Cav's Place

There went another good edition, though I think not as good as last year’s. It would appear that many countries are starting to learn the kind of songs that may have a chance and selecting accordingly, which is a good thing. On the other hand, I wasn’t exactly pleased by the overall show value of this year’s entries, as quite a few seemed to pay little attention to that, especially if you’re to only take what actually happened on the stage into account and ignore the fireworks and pretty pictures.

I’m not sure that Azerbaijan deserved the win this year, but if I’ll listen to it several more times I might end up agreeing. Either way, they could have won in any of the previous three years and I never put them lower than second until now, so it only makes sense that when I put them lowest, if you consider fourth being low, they’d actually win, but I really don’t mind it. They gathered enough Eurovision karma so far to deserve it. The only problem is that I really don’t care for encouraging the Azeri regime, and having them host the next edition could be seen as doing that.
Italy had a song that I could recognize had great musical value, but somebody’d need to really force me to listen to something like that. I couldn’t even listen to it all the way to the end when I went through them after all entries became known. It’s been quite a while since I disliked an entry quite so much. I think the fact that they returned to the competition after so long had a fair bit to say in the amount of points they got too.
Sweden was all right. Catchy, powerful and with a reasonable show value, it had everything required to earn lots of points, but nothing standing out enough to give it a chance to win.
Ukraine had great show value, and in fact was this year’s only entry truly worth remembering because of that. The song was quite good too, but during the semifinal I was focusing almost entirely on the sand painting and had trouble even listening to it. Oddly enough, though I’d think that semifinals put entries that rely on show value at a significant disadvantage, as viewers are no longer surprised by it in the final, it did worse in the semifinal than in the final, being only sixth. I’m quite confused about that.
As for Denmark’s entry, the song itself once again had everything required to earn a lot of points and a good message on top of that, but the lack of any “tricks” to boost its show value into the “good” range dragged it down.

On my end, I decided to change my ranking system a little by allowing for half-point marks, which resulted in 6.5 being used a whole lot and at times making things even less clear than under the old system that made me constantly wonder whether a song deserved 6 or 7. Oddly enough, 6.5 got used a whole lot for the show rating as well, though the old system had very clear specifications as to exactly what deserved each possible show rating, so was more or less inventing conditions as I went along. As a result, I wouldn’t call this year’s ratings properly calibrated, though for the most part they were close enough and certainly made it easier to rank at the end of the show.
Perhaps largely for my own use, so I’ll be able to compare next year, I’ll provide some more detail this time around by also listing the marks I gave instead of just my classification and the actual place in the competition listed between parentheses. You’ll see this additional information after the country name, between parentheses. The first number is the average between the song rating and the show rating, which is the first criteria. The second is the song rating, which is the second criteria. In case my “personal opinion” rating, which I always put in to cover various things that the two main ratings can’t quite include, is not neutral, you’ll see “plus” or “minus” as the third value. The show rating isn’t listed because you can figure it out based on the song rating and the average. As always, if everything is equal, the classification is a result of me trying to quickly compare what I remembered of the songs in question at the end.

1. (4.) Ukraine (7.25, 6.5, plus)
2. (19.) Lithuania (6.75, 7.5, plus)
3. (9.) Georgia (6.75, 7)
4. (1.) Azerbaijan (6.75, 7)
5. (3.) Sweden (6.75, 6.5, minus)
6. (24.) Estonia (6.75, 6.5, minus)
7. (16.) Russia (6.75, 6.5, minus)
8. (5.) Denmark (6.5, 6.5, plus)
9. (17.) Romania (6.5, 6.5, plus)
10. (13.) Slovenia (6.5, 6.5)
11. (22.) Hungary (6.5, 6.5)
12. (20.) Iceland (6.5, 6.5)
13. (6.) Bosnia & Herzegovina (6.5, 6.5)
14. (23.) Spain (6.5, 6.5, minus)
15. (14.) Serbia (6.5, 6.5, minus)
16. (12.) Moldova (6.5, 6, plus)
17. (15.) France (6.25, 7)
18. (18.) Austria (6.25, 6.5, plus)
19. (8.) Ireland (6.25, 6, minus)
20. (11.) United Kingdom (6.25, 5.5, plus)
21. (21.) Finland (6, 6.5, plus)
22. (25.) Switzerland (6, 6, plus)
23. (10.) Germany (6, 5.5)
24. (7.) Greece (6, 5.5, minus)
25. (2.) Italy (5.25, 4.5)

I got Austria and Finland right, was one place off for Serbia, two off for France and Sweden and three off for Azerbaijan, Denmark, Slovenia, Switzerland and Ukraine. On the other hand, at least ten places off for Estonia, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy and Lithuania. Italy truly deserves a special mention, since I was no less than 23 places off! As I already said, recognized the song’s musical value, but I largely give the song ratings according to how much I personally like the song and this one I didn’t like in the least.
As for the semifinals, I’d have picked Albania, Croatia, Poland and Turkey instead of Finland, Greece, Serbia and Switzerland from the first one and Slovakia instead of Ireland from the second one. Yes, actually had nine of my ten picks make it from the second semifinal. Unfortunately, Slovakia was number two in my classification. Then again, Turkey was number one in the first semifinal…

Now let me briefly explain my top ten picks, since I already said this year’s competition wasn’t as good as last year’s, so there’s no real reason to say something about each of the songs as I did then.
Ukraine had a good song, but a few others were better, so it needed something more in order to really grab my attention and the sand painting certainly did that. As I already said, it was the only entry truly worth remembering because of its show value, making me put it a full point above anyone else in that respect and say that, as a result, it had by far the best overall package.
Lithuania seemed to me to be this year’s typical Eurovision song. A really nice ballad and an outstanding voice made it have no true rivals as far as the song itself was concerned, at least in my opinion, but the lack of a show value meant it had to settle for second.
The Georgian entry was the only remaining “harder” one, so I probably gave it half a point extra because of that and as a result it climbed through the rankings. The rapping part bothered me, but not enough to detract from the fact that it represented genres that I like but are rarely seen on Eurovision.
Azerbaijan did better than in the semifinal, in the sense that the singers slipped up less, but it made no difference in my ratings. In truth, I’d have probably put them third if Turkey would have qualified, as Georgia would no longer have been the only representative of those genres of music, but for once they couldn’t have challenged for the top two positions in my classification.
The Swedish entry gets the “best of the rest” title, as I doubt I’ll be remembering any entry outside the top four for much longer. Already said that it had everything required to get lots of points but nothing to make it stand out, but should also add that I was quite bothered by the lyrics.
Seeing Estonia sixth reminds me that I sometimes don’t agree with my own classification. This is one such situation. I thought the song was just silly ever since I first heard it, but can’t deny that it’s catchy and they at least bothered to do something to give it a show value. Nothing worth remembering, but it was enough to make it end up several positions higher than it would have otherwise.
Russia may well be a second case of not agreeing with my own classification, though not quite so much. The song was all right and, though once again it was nothing worth remembering, they went through some trouble to give it a show value as well. What really bothered me was that he talked to the audience several times during the song, but not enough to make me put it any lower.
Thanks in part to the overall sound, but perhaps mainly due to its message, the Danish entry seemed to me to be the best of quite a long series of pretty good songs that had only a marginal show value, in the sense that there were several people on stage and they didn’t just sit there, but they didn’t do anything worth noting either. In fact you’ll see no less than eight entries that got 6.5 for both song and show from me.
Romania followed in Denmark’s footsteps in every way, including the message, but our entry seemed just a little below the Danish one in every respect.
Finally, I ended up ranking Slovenia as the best of no less than four entries with the exact same ratings because it had fewer things that bothered me than any of the other three.

Since this week’s second post will be about Eurovision, I can easily put in another personal one as the first. And I do have quite a few things to say, though actually writing is quite difficult right now because parents are cleaning or who knows what they’re doing and I keep hearing them outside my door, even with headphones on, so I’m sitting here all curled up…

Yes, that means I’m not feeling any better. If anything, it’s even worse. I’m more and more scared by everything, curl up and need to turn headphones way up when I hear them talk around the house, still rush and dodge when I need to go to the bathroom, fearfully poke out of my room at night to eat and jump at any noise while in the kitchen… Been in damage limitation mode all these years and really got to the point where too much damage has been done even so.
Getting more and more stressed by doing anything with others in Forsaken World as well, so can’t wait to get the last God’s Trial achievement so I’ll stop doing that too and just stick to doing my own thing, even though it’ll basically mean no longer leveling at all, because I need more and more time to unwind after it. More and more scared to say things on the forum as well, though so far I still do and just keep wincing whenever I see another reply being posted on those threads. Still rather surprised that nobody gave me crap in game as a result of disagreements on the forum so far, but it’s probably just a matter of time.

Back to my parents, at least they did leave me alone lately. I think dad actually read my previous post on this issue, though I’m not sure what he understood from it. They haven’t called me over for anything, haven’t tried to talk to me when I rushed to the bathroom and I saw no more notes on the kitchen table at night until last night. But that little note left last night was enough to send me rushing back to my room. Or to my room’s door, at least, because I stopped there and eventually made my way back and very slowly picked it up and read it next to the window, using the streetlight to try to make it out, because for some reason it felt less scary in the dark. It was just something about Micky, but still had me hug my knees on the floor and whimper for a few minutes afterwards.
The problem is that the deadline to submit some papers to donate 2% of my income taxes to an NGO of my choice is Monday. Since I guess I’m still an employee of dad’s firm, I should be doing that, and in previous years I was the one who pressed them for it even though we’re talking about a very tiny amount, maybe some 25 lei, 30 at most, but really can’t think about it enough to choose. Actually, I logged on to my e-mail a couple of days ago to delete the messages that had gathered once again and I saw a few from them, one with that form number as subject, but of course I didn’t read them. I didn’t even read that newsletter I was saying before I considered safe. Just logged on to delete things and that’s all I did. If I was shunning any “real life” issues before, now I’m running away from them as fast as I can and I don’t see how this will ever change again in the future.

Well, it could change if my situation would change drastically, but since that can’t happen… At this point I don’t think anything short of living with her again, but just the two of us alone, and everything going even better than it ever did way back then, would cut it. Even so, I’d probably need to spend the first week in bed with her, neither of us getting out for anything other than going to the bathroom, grabbing something to eat that could actually be eaten in bed and perhaps at most some 30 minutes per day spent on-line. Yes, we’d also have sex some three times per day during that week, but the rest of the time we’d just cuddle and talk… Or maybe just cuddle, so I’ll have a chance to recover at least a little bit from this.
Afterwards, somebody should knock me out and have a doctor check me out from head to toe so when I’ll wake up I’ll know exactly how I stand instead of worrying about things that just frighten me even more and being too frightened to even tell anyone, even the people who couldn’t do anything about it anyway, what it is this time. But I’m trying to not think about that too much before the cuddling part and so far it’s actually helping me feel slightly better when I manage it. Right now I just need to be held for a very long time by someone I feel close to before I’ll even be able to think of anything else… I’d probably spend a week cuddling with any person I ever felt really close to at this point, with no questions asked. It’d stop at cuddling unless she’d also be in some way involved, but even that’d be something. Not that it matters, since that means exactly four people, and I’m not even so sure about the fourth, and all of them have completely stopped talking to me.

Oddly enough, despite being so frightened of everything, I went and bought a few things on Tuesday. That was probably the mean reason why I spent all of yesterday in my pajamas and with the blinds drawn, but there you have it. Been planning it for over a month, but feeling more and more scared made it less and less likely, so I always delayed it. That resulted in me being completely out of three things I needed, almost out of two more and have a third that needed to be replaced long ago, so I decided to see what happens, seeing as asking dad for anything was out of the question. That I actually managed even more than I really meant to really surprised me, though it came at the usual price.
What was nice was that no employees stopped me to inform me of special offers or anything else of the sort anymore and, with one exception that made me wander around for a while until she finally found what she wanted and moved on, I didn’t bump into other people carefully checking out the same things I was, so there was nothing to frighten me even more while I was looking for what I wanted. And then, while looking over the cashiers, I was also able to pretty quickly spot a young woman who struck me as someone I would have relatively little difficulty approaching, so I did and everything went smoothly.
As a result, I got all I went there to get, plus a few things to munch on. In fact, though it may sound odd, I think deciding to treat myself to a Snickers bar helped being able to purchase the rest a fair amount. (The other couple of additional things I got were actually healthy though, as I spent a fair amount of time reading labels and checking out the options.) Of course my hands were still shaking like crazy when I was in front of the cashier, I had difficulty counting my money and felt the need to say something which obviously came out awkwardly even if you were to ignore what I’m sure was an idiotic grin on my face.
Still, after doing that I went straight into the Orange Shop from there without giving myself time to reconsider and recharged my prepaid card as well, since the active period expired again and I thought I might as well. Was shaking even more and also felt the need to explain myself even more, which came out even worse, but at least it was done… Spilled what was left of my money on the floor afterwards, since my hands shook too badly when I was trying to count, but picked them back up, went out in the rain and slowly started to regain my composure… At least no car hit me while I was still too out of it to pay much attention…

As for that mention of OkCupid in the title, it comes as a result of me sending a message to someone I supposedly had a 99% match with. Now huge matches aren’t that uncommon after all the changes they did, so that score has become next to irrelevant, but also had an 85% friend score and 15% enemy score with her, which sounded surprisingly good for someone I had 1558 questions in common with. In addition, the individual match scores listed, for each of the categories that questions are filed under, were also very high, with only one under 80% and a couple even above 90%, and those don’t seem to be modified as the overall score is, so they’re usually quite accurate.
Indeed, there were plenty of important things, both in her profile and in the answers I looked over, as all were public, that indicated we were very similar. But there were also some things that indicated we were very incompatible. There were no less than 422 questions, so more than a quarter of the total we had both answered, listed under “unacceptable answers”! So I looked over the most important ones and, though otherwise I sent a message commenting on parts of her profile, I charged directly towards the one crucial difference between us.
Yes, I got a reply, but it sure proved how much the matching system sucks now. She was surprised by the scores as well, considering the differences, then said she’s not the kind of person I’m looking for, quickly pointed out the important ways in which we’re similar and the biggest problems, threw a direct hit back at my opinion on the issue we disagreed about, then said she’s going to block me because our attitudes and world views are so incompatible that anything else I could send would at best prove unhelpful, and probably quite seriously damaging to her. So it may well be the first person who blocks me on there as a result of something I send, and so quickly too, yet their system said we were almost perfect matches. Really amusing.

Today started reasonably well, so maybe I’ll be able to actually write something non-personal here for a change. And the best bet seems to be this post that’s been in my drafts for over two years and on my mind for even longer. The topic, as the title shows, is housing. More specifically, how could we ensure that all have decent housing of their own, as in not only making sure that nobody’s left homeless or living in unsuitable conditions, but also that nobody needs to live with anyone other than those they specifically want to live with. After all, this should be a basic human right, shouldn’t it?

Anyone who knows anything about me will know that I’ll start this by mentioning population. If the population would steadily drop, there would be no need to build new homes, the existing ones eventually becoming sufficient and then even exceeding any potential demand, at which point large apartment buildings could be replaced by smaller ones and eventually even by houses, while those who already live in houses could end up having bigger and bigger gardens. Granted that human greed would immediately find a way to mess that up as well, but the point of this post isn’t to go that far, but to analyze the current situation and offer some solutions that could, at least theoretically, solve the problem in the very near future.

This “crisis” that started in 2008 and is still apparently affecting the whole world was actually caused by the housing sector. United States banks gave loans to people who wanted homes but couldn’t afford them in any way and, at the same time, attempted to use risky investments as a safety net, which obviously exploded right in their faces. Which, when it comes to the matter at hand, boils down to the fact that housing is not affordable. Whether a person chooses to take out a loan in order to purchase a home or goes the completely wrong way and rents it, they’ll end up needing to pay an arm and a leg for it every month and a whole lot of people couldn’t afford having their own place at all.
That shouldn’t happen! But it’s not that easy to find a culprit, because everybody’s to blame for the current situation in one way or another. The real estate industry is a symbol of greed, inflating prices as much as they possibly could every step of the way, or at least they did before the “crisis” and they’re doing their best to get back in that position as soon as possible. The banks also bleed any potential buyers as much as possible when they offer them the loans that these insane prices require. And the buyers themselves perpetuate this situation not only by accepting these conditions but also, in case of those who have at least a reasonable income, by looking for the biggest and best they could possibly afford, and sometimes even more than that, instead of stopping at just what they actually need.

So what do we do about it? Well, I think declaring the right to live in adequate housing without any need to share it with anyone you don’t actually want to share it with a basic human right could be a start. But those are just some words on a piece of paper, so the important part comes afterwards.
Any homes built from now on need to be as environmentally-friendly as possible and also made to last. When the population will hopefully finally drop to the point where we’ll start thinking of tearing down existing homes to build smaller ones because there’d be nobody left to live in them, there are plenty of older ones we’d need to set our eyes on, so all new ones must be built with the future in mind. That means being extremely sturdy and energy-efficient, but also built in areas that currently aren’t and likely also won’t be threatened by major natural disasters. This ensures that future generations will have good homes readily available to them, without the need for major repairs or improvements, therefore greatly reducing future resource consumption and costs.
But, you will say, that implies putting a whole lot of care, effort and resources into construction, which means the resulting homes will cost even more! Which would be quite right if the homes would be built and sold or rented as they are now. But they won’t be. In fact, the next step would be to make any new homes really simple, only answering to the actual needs of the people and allowing each of them to later make improvements or additions as they see fit and can afford to. Yes, that means no more homes with everything already in place the moment they’re bought, and it also means no more really large homes for anyone unless they can afford to build them themselves and can do so without negatively affecting the environment or taking up space that would otherwise be necessary to build simple homes for those who actually need them.
As long as greed doesn’t rear its ugly head yet again, that shoud theoretically make homes much cheaper at first, with all additional costs handled by the new owners as time passes. After you have a home of your own, you can worry about making it end up just as you want it. Besides, this way you can actually do that, without anyone shoving anything down your throat. But, of course, there will still be lots of people trying to shove things down others’ throats, so any and all rules that require homes in a certain area to look more or less the same need to be completely forbidden and the market for the products and services people will require in order to turn an empty, simple dwelling into a proper home needs to be properly regulated so nobody will be able to saturate it with just their products or artificially inflate prices.
On top of that, since we all know greed actually will rear its ugly head, strict regulations need to be put in place for the real estate industry as a whole, making sure that any new homes fully adhere to the standards and don’t cost any more than they really need to. In addition, I think nobody should be allowed to own more than two homes and checks should be in place so large families who live together won’t be able to own a large number of dwellings they’ll never personally use either. That should take care of the utterly evil concept of renting a place to live, paying someone else every single month of your entire life for the right to have a roof over your head and yet still need to respect their rules and put up with their demands. Renting should only be available for those who know for sure that they’ll spend no more than, at the very most, a few years in that particular city, so there’s little to no reason to have any significant number of homes available for rent unless the city is an university center, in which case the prices need to be suitable for students.

A basic home, which everyone should be entitled to own even without paying anything, would basically include the walls, roof, plumbing, wiring and any equipment essential to make it energy-efficient and environmentally-friendly. The numbers I’m working with right now call for 25 to 30 square meters of usable space for each of the first two people a dwelling is meant for, an additional 20 to 25 square meters for each of the next two and 15 to 20 square meters more for each one after that, but no more than 150 square meters total, to add one more way to discourage large families. This doesn’t include the attic or any rooms built underground, right under the house, for those who’ll have houses.
On a related note, I’m thinking there should be few dwellings meant for a single person and that living alone should be somewhat discouraged in other ways as well, but not so much as to make it a problem for those who really need to move and don’t have anyone they’d really want to live with in their city of choice. The main purpose of this would be to encourage people who are in relationships to move in with their partners and those who are not in relationships to at least move in with close friends. But that has to do with encouraging people to depend more on their family of choice and give more importance to it over anything else, which I guess is another issue entirely.

There’s a whole lot to say about this and I’d have plenty of other details to add, but I’ll need to get back to it some other time because it got messy enough already and, considering how I’m feeling, it’ll only get worse if I continue. The point is that people should fully own their homes and be able to live in them without the stress of having family members or simple roommates they don’t actually want to live with around. A resource-based economy would go a long way towards ensuring that, but some things can be done even under the current circumstances.

I haven’t been reading my e-mail for weeks now. Mentioned that already at some point, but this is not a post that you’ll get any links in. It’s hard enough to even use punctuation at this point. Anyway, as I said, after only checking it late at night, after eating, since October, I stopped reading completely a few weeks ago. Logged on a couple of times to delete the hundreds of messages that had gathered and read one newsletter that seemed completely safe, but no more than that.
After a while, dad apparently realized that I was serious when I said I won’t be reading anymore and he really was talking to himself if he was sending anything, so he started leaving notes for me on the kitchen table. So instead of only seeing any potential messages after eating, so I knew I’ll at least manage to eat somewhat, I ended up seeing everything just before eating, prompting me to start whimpering and say “leave me alone” out loud… But so far there was nothing bad in them, so the reaction was just due to the fact that there was any sort of communication.
That changed tonight, when the note asked me to create a new e-mail and give it only to him if I refuse to check my regular one anymore, because “we can’t live without communicating”. Who the fuck does he think I’m trying to avoid communicating with by no longer checking my e-mail if not him? Others can find me on Facebook or Yahoo! Messenger, after all, and so far that’s not a problem at all. I mean, you’d think that rushing and trying to hide myself as much as possible even when going to the bathroom for weeks, not to mention ducking and then rushing back to my room when I made my way to the kitchen a few days ago and he passed by, would tip him off! If anyone else would scare me, it’d be easy to just block them on-line and that’d be the end of it, but if he scares me, and he does, he’s here in the same apartment, so just blocking him on-line doesn’t do all that much, as this message just proves. A couple of days ago he didn’t press when I wouldn’t open my door, but now I get this!
So I was a mix of terrified and furious, not even knowing which was winning myself. Crumpled the piece of paper and threw it on the floor while saying “leave me alone” out loud once again, then did the same with some bag, though I later picked that one up. My hands instantly went numb, then I spent the rest of the time alternating between whimpering, crouching on the floor and hugging my knees, and making angry gestures at thin air. I’m sure the food went down really well under those circumstances…
Now I’m sure I’ll get all sorts of crap for that, all sorts of pressure piling up more and more when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till I’ll pass out, then wake up to see that these past five and a half years have all been just a bad dream. But I can’t even cry, of course! And I won’t see that it was just a bad dream because it’s not just a bad dream! So there’s no solution and no way out, and I’m asking for help that can’t come because there’s nothing anyone can do. Or nothing anyone who could in any way care to do anything at all about it at some point can do. Not even telling anyone about the more specific issues this time around, haven’t been for months, because there’s no real help they could possibly offer and I couldn’t possibly take as much as a mention of the sort of “help” they may be likely to offer.
I’m too frightened of everything to take anything anymore. Or at least to risk taking anything that I’m not certain I can easily block out completely the moment it makes me feel even worse, since of course things can, and do, always get worse. They only get better in the movies, and various campaign advertisements… And him I can’t completely block because he’s right here and even if I won’t read anything, cover my ears all the time and never get out of the room again, not eating or drinking and pissing and shitting in a corner of the room when I’ll need to, he’ll barge in at some point, so can’t avoid him entirely no matter what I do! And he can say and do so many things that can affect me so much, and none of the plausible ones are likely to have any positive effects, in fact very much the contrary. But, of course, I couldn’t survive in any way if he wouldn’t handle everything either. Not that he can, since I’m not even telling him about things I really need anymore, and there are a few right now. And not moving things around the room to spray something against the mold for so long either because I’d need his help but couldn’t be in the same room with him.
And this was supposed to be just a short rant. No chance of that happening, is there? It became a pretty regular post, and being the first of the week and considering this mood and how things are likely to continue, it seems very likely that the second one will also be a personal one. So much for my hopes of putting in more non-personal ones…
Anyway, have no idea what’s happening anymore. I just know I can’t take any of it! Hear me? I can’t take it! It just needs to be a bad dream and I need to wake up from it now! I probably should have said something else as well, or perhaps shouldn’t have said something I did, or perhaps shouldn’t have said any of it. I don’t know. I just know that since then it’s been five and a half years of shit happening and feeling like nothing is or could ever be worth doing anymore, just like there have been nearly 18 years of the exact same thing before…

I was saying a week ago that perhaps I’ll be able to write two non-personal posts this week. As you can see, that’s not the case. How could it be when I’m just sitting here and whimpering… And somehow arguing with people on the Forsaken World forum and likely setting all of them against me, as I usually do.
Yesterday I also pretty much negated all I had managed to do earlier this week towards a certain thing I’d rather not mention here. Maybe today I’ll make up for yesterday, but I highly doubt it considering my mood. Last night started whimpering and said “just leave me alone” out loud once again when I found a note from dad on the kitchen table, since I’m still not checking my e-mail at all and don’t plan to start checking it again…

It sounds rather weird, doesn’t it? Wanting to be left alone so much yet playing an on-line game and arguing with people on forums… But of course I don’t actually want to be left alone by everybody. I need her and a best friend, who ideally would perhaps become more than that at some point after I’d be in some sort of relationship with her again, and then one or two other close friends on top of that would be nice too. So, while I do by best to shut away the world and kick and scream at it and poke it with whatever I can find lying around if it tries to close in on me again, I also wait for one or two of the few people I’m still in some sort of contact with to perhaps someday decide to do the same, show “real life” a big middle finger and cut themselves from it, ideally finding and settling down in a nice relationship that they’ll fully focus on while also still being able to spare some time for me as well without “real life” topics popping up. But I’m well aware that it’s highly unlikely for that to happen, as things usually only get worse anyway, plus that it’s pretty clear that I don’t know anyone with “best friend” potential, so I’ll still need to find one someday either way.
What does that have to do with the game and forums? Nothing really… It’s just what I had to say right now. What I keep needing to say, actually, since you’ll see something along those lines in most of my personal posts for a long time now. If such a desperate need is not fulfilled, it can only become more pressing… And I guess the game is a way to hide from it for a little while and the forums are just me doing what I usually do, which is seeing people act like most people do and lashing out at them because their behavior is utterly infuriating. Wonder how long until the enemies made on the forums will start affecting me while playing as well, since they obviously know my character name…