Cav's Place

The winter solstice has always saddened me. I don’t like the day, I don’t like sunlight, I don’t like all the hustle and bustle that comes with them. I can’t say I ever feel in any way which could somehow be described as “well”, haven’t for over three years, but I certainly feel somewhat less bad in darkness.
Others take comfort in the idea that the days will get longer, they enjoy it, most religions celebrate it… I don’t. It feels as if something is slipping away from me. Perhaps as a blanket being pulled off me, leaving me cold and exposed. It’s harder to hear your own thoughts in the light, but easier to see just how alone you are. And it’s much more likely to find yourself alone in a crowd under the light.

I still wish I’d spend a winter somewhere far to the north, as long as the house I’d live in would have very good insulation and heating. Long nights and snow… It’s a dream of mine…
Long rainy nights would be better if I would never leave the house, but I’m quite sure I’d want to go for a walk now and then too. Rain is wonderful for staying in, but awful for going out. Snow, on the other hand, is nice either way. Of course, if I’d go out I’d also need suitable clothing, or perhaps equipment would be a more appropriate name for it, to deal with the cold.
Yes, such a winter would be nice. Several of them could be nice, actually. As long as I would be far away from there by the time summer would draw near, making nights very short and days very long…

But, leaving that dream aside for now, I’m still here and the reality is that days will start to get longer and I’ll be able to wrap myself in the vaguely comfortable blanket of darkness less and less. Winter solstice sadness, as always… Like I needed another reason to be sad…

I have recently found myself saying a couple of times that I know exactly what I want that money can’t buy, but have no idea what I want which could be bought. That doesn’t mean I don’t know the product categories. I know I want carpets for my room and a good video card and also thinking about some things which could pass for decorations, though that wouldn’t be their main purpose. But I don’t know what I want specifically, I’m not able to say that if I get this thing I’ll be happy with it and not find myself wishing I’d have chosen something else soon after. So I’d rather not get anything, choosing to allow myself the possibility of a good purchase at some unknown point in the future instead of trying something now and likely being less than satisfied with it.

That got me thinking. I choose not to get things (or to tell others to get me things, as it is) because I know they’re unlikely to result in contentment for any reasonable amount of time and don’t want to waste money (even if they’re not my own) and time on things which won’t offer what I’d expect of them. Whether that’s just because I don’t know exactly what I want or, on the contrary, because I know exactly what I want but it’s not available, or at least not affordable, is not important. It seems perfectly logical to choose to wait if what I could get now wouldn’t be good enough.
Perfectly logical to me, that is… However, it seems that most people don’t see it that way. Some actually think that getting one thing or another will make them happy even though it won’t, or at least not for long. They go with the impulse, don’t analyze. Then they end up feeling the need for something else to replace their recent purchase with and repeat the process, getting more and more things without even noticing the pattern. Others, on the other hand, are aware that their purchases won’t make them happy, but they still won’t hold back. They hope that someday they will find something that will make them truly happy, even if by trial and error. Or they are completely disillusioned, no longer hope that they could achieve happiness, and therefore willingly settle for things which will only make their lives a little better for a little while.

Businesses certainly like these kind of people, those who keep buying, and are very happy that they make up the vast majority of the population. Yes, many don’t buy things because they can’t afford them, but they’re in the same category because they would if they could. Businesses encourage the behavior, they are thrilled by people who don’t think, don’t plan, don’t control their impulses…
It’s a very sad thing to see. People wasting their lives working to make things others want (but often don’t need) in order to earn the money they need to purchase the things they themselves want (but often don’t need), made by others. On the other hand, it was very nice when somebody recently echoed a deep conviction of mine by saying “no amount of money is worth my time”. How much calmer, and therefore nicer, the world would be if many more people would think like that…

We could do so much more for ourselves and each other if money would stop being so important, if “stuff” would stop being so important, if we’d put contentment over achievement… The time thus freed and the peace of mind thus achieved would allow us to care much more for one another. It’s likely that many still won’t, humans are certainly not inherently good beings, but those will no longer have excuses, they’ll be exposed for who they are. As for the rest, they could then do, offer and receive so many more things that money can’t buy.
There is a lot of truth in the saying that money can’t buy happiness. Having enough to live comfortably is certainly a great help, but it all depends on what you have to do for them, how much of yourself you have to sacrifice. What’s the point of having money when you can’t enjoy them, when most of them are spent on things meant to counter the stress, unhappiness or even more serious health problems caused by what you have to do in order to obtain them?
No object can make up for the lack of your presence in the lives of those who love you, just like none could make up for the lack of their presence in your life. A hug and some heartfelt words are worth more than any token present you could offer your friend or significant other. A long and intimate discussion with someone who’s sad is worth far more than anything you could buy them in hopes of cheering them up. Being able to have frequent long and romantic lovemaking sessions with your significant other is worth far more than the exotic vacation you might be able to afford if you’d slave away all that time at work. Actually helping someone create what they want to create is better than just buying them some better tools. And I could go on and on, but you get the idea…
I’m inclined to say that people forgot those things, the important things… But did they ever really allow themselves to know them in the first place? When has society truly encouraged people to pursue their dreams and their positive emotions? Such sad things we are, fighting to chop each other’s wings off so none will rise above the rest instead of helping each other grow them so we could all rise together.

In the end… You can buy a lot of things, but so many of them are not necessary and have little value except the purely monetary one. However, a lot of other things, like peace of mind, health or love, can’t be bought, and many of those are necessary and of great value. Try to remember that long enough to teach it to others, so they’ll be able to teach you again in case you’ll ever forget.

The article about Mars from this month’s National Geographic Magazine somehow managed to make me suddenly realize that we’re really there, wandering around on Mars and taking pictures at ground level. By “we” I mean humanity, even if only through machines.
This is not news, of course. As far as rovers are concerned, Pathfinder has landed on Mars back in 1997. Not to mention Spirit and Opportunity, which have landed in 2004 and are still wandering around. But apparently it took the pictures from that article to make me fully realize what it means.

Yes, for now we are just playing in the dust, but even that is very significant. The Moon is just a satellite, what happened there matters far less. Now we actually have a presence on another planet! And soon enough it seems that we’ll be having a mobile laboratory there too.
But this also means we have a great responsibility. We must make sure we won’t poison Mars as we did Earth. The materials used must be carefully considered so they won’t cause any damage to the environment. There may still be a chance of finding some simple life forms there, perhaps buried in the ice, and those could be easily wiped out by introducing foreign substances into their environment.
This makes me be very worried by the proposed nuclear power supply of the next rover to be sent to Mars. Even if there will be no accidents, it will be left there after the mission will end, when the power will run out, and the plutonium will be left there with it, obviously. Not to mention that using such a power supply means the mission duration is pretty much fixed, which is not the case for a solar powered rover. (Keep in mind that Spirit and Opportunity were planned to be operational for 90 days, but they’re still wandering around and collecting information even now, after nearly five years!) This doesn’t seem to be the best course of action from my point of view…

Personally, I’m in no hurry to send humans to Mars. I think that increasingly complex, sturdy, efficient, reliable and independent machines could explore the red planet well enough, and then they could even build a base for a potential future manned mission, meaning that humans would find suitable conditions when it will be feasible to send them there.
But I wonder how much those who operate those rovers are still aware that they’re just machines. Especially if we’re talking about Spirit and Opportunity, which have been there for so long and done so much. I’m sure that only extremely dedicated people could be assigned to them and it seems very likely that they’ll develop some sort of emotional attachment in the process. It saddens me to think of how much those people will suffer when their “babies” will inevitably cease to function.

On the other hand, as surprised as I was by how much we know about Mars, and how much we are actually doing on its surface, something else is what truly shocked me these days.
Looking for information on the current status of the exploration of our solar system, I was shocked by how little we know about Pluto. It may no longer be considered a “real” planet, but we should know more about it! Right now it seems to simply be “out there”, treated as not even being a part of our solar system…

I saw a question in a survey once which has been on my mind ever since. It asked if you have suffered longer than the relationship lasted. In this desperate attempt to at least find milestones in the future since there’s nothing to live for but I’m too much of a coward to do what needs to be done, it became sort of a goal for me, to make it far enough to be able to answer “yes” to that question. Now I have…
At least I hope my calculations are right. Not that a day more or a day less would matter that much… Still, I took some time two days ago, while I was lying in bed after waking up after only some three and a half hours of sleep, to determine it exactly, since an initial approximate calculation, made at the time I saw that question, said that moment would come on December 12th, 2008. It would appear that I was only wrong by one day.

That first kiss was on July 12th, 2002. It happened around 11 PM, but that was our anniversary so I’ll start from that day. From July 12th, 2002 to July 11th, 2005 there are three years, one of which a leap year. That means 1096 days.
Despite other days appearing better suited for this, I’ll consider the day she left, September 27th, 2005, as the day she broke up with me and the first day of suffering, especially since she left around 4 AM. From July 12th to September 11th there are two months. Since both July and August have 31 days, that means there are 62 days. That brings the total to 1158 days.
From the 12th to the 26th there are 15 days. That means we were together for a total of 1173 days.

From September 27th, 2005 to September 26th, 2008 there are three years, one of which a leap year. Once again, 1096 days.
From September 27th to November 26th there are two months, but only 61 days since September has only 30 days. That means I need to add one more day, November 27th, to get to the 62 days of the two months taken into account above. (I assume this is where I went wrong when I tried to approximate the date the first time.) That makes 1158 days.
From November 28th to December 12th there are 15 days. That brings the total to 1173 days.

That means the next day, today, December 13th, 2008, is the day I can answer “yes” to that question. Of course, a person who has been in a relationship for just one week and got over it ten days later could say the same thing and hardly mean anything by it. Still, I wanted to make it this far.
I didn’t dare hope we’d be together again before this day, not even about a year ago, when we were talking again, so the option of not reaching this day due to a happy event did not exist. Of course, I could have died before this day, but knowing that I don’t have the courage to kill myself that meant it had to happen due to a disease or an accident, which would have most likely meant added suffering for some time, so that wasn’t desirable. Besides, since I couldn’t do it when I should have, I might as well try to stick around for as long as there is still a theoretical chance.

Speaking of that theoretical chance, from my point of view it still exists as long as no children are involved. She changed her mind about wanting to be with me once, so it is at least theoretically possible that someday she’ll do so again, though I truly hope she won’t hurt someone else in order to do that as she hurt me the first time around. However, I will not change my mind about children. I clearly consider human overpopulation as the worst problem this world is facing and therefore see having children under these circumstances as the worst crime possible and do not want anything to do with anyone who commits it, and Andra’d be no exception. I also include adoption or simply caring full time for other people’s children here, because knowing that these options exist encourages some to have children even if they know they couldn’t care for them. (I make an exception for children whose parents and grandparents have died or are incapacitated due to severe illness, but I’d still hate what they represent so I wouldn’t want to be around them myself. I think they have enough problems without me sending bad energy their way, albeit not on purpose.) So I just hope that’ll never be the case…
Actually, I hope it’ll never be the case but fear that it will, or already is. Some of the things she said when we last talked made me worry less about this, but others had quite the opposite effect. This is why I find myself wanting to hear from her, or at least of her, again, but at the same time fearing that moment. It’s absolutely the only thing which could and certainly would make me not want to be with her again, but it wouldn’t change what I feel and it wouldn’t make me look for anyone else either. I said my promises are forever and that won’t change. This means that, if children would end up being involved at some point, there wouldn’t even be a theoretical chance left of anything good ever happening in this life of mine.

This is probably what kept me from sending something to Dave for the past few weeks. Feeling absolutely awful and just needed to throw something their way, and since it’s quite obvious she has me on ignore I felt it had to go to him. Of course, he could have me on ignore just as well, but I don’t know that. It wouldn’t have been something bad or angry, I just needed to say something about how I’m feeling…
Last night I did it… I’ve been struggling really hard not to for the past few days and thought this couldn’t last for long, so I said I’d better send something now, when there’s an “occasion”, an event I can start from, a chance to say something which might have some meaning, than try to hold back and inevitably end up blurting out something a few days later, when I wouldn’t be able to stop myself anymore.
Now, of course, since I sent him a message, I don’t dare log on to Yahoo! Messenger again, just in case he did get it and did reply and that reply might mention something I fear… As much of a coward as always, of course…

But now my question is… What next? Ever since I saw that question it was sort of a goal to make it this far, but now that I did… Where do I go from here? What else could keep me getting out of bed every day when hope’s too slim to make any difference?
When I asked someone that yesterday I was told “you’ll be fine”. Right, easy for you to say… Not that I expected anything else, nobody understands… Or at least nobody I know. I’m sure there are some other people in a similar situation, but I never seem to meet any. Why is that?

This post is going to be a collection of thoughts regarding this season and all the consumerist insanity and stupidity it generates, so I’m going to move from one to another rather quickly. They are just my usual thoughts about these things, so it seems rather pointless to delve deeply into them yet again.

Giving gifts on a certain occasion takes away any meaning they might have had.
If the gift is something the receiver really wanted, offering it when the occasion traditionally demands giving gifts leaves the impression that you could have obtained it sooner, and likely did so, but preferred to wait for that specific day to give it. That means your main motivation was not to offer that person something they wanted, but to have something to give them for that occasion because you felt you had to give them something then. It’s not about them, it’s about you.
If the gift isn’t even something they really wanted then it’s even more clear. You never cared about them at all, you just completed a chore, bought something generic, gave it and called it a job well done. Only it isn’t…
If you want to give someone a gift, you ask them exactly what they want. If they give you an answer and you can afford it, you get it for them as soon as possible, without waiting for any occasion. And if they tell you they don’t want anything, or at least not from you, listen to them! If they say that but expect you to ignore them and get them something anyway it’s their problem, not yours. Your problem is if you get them something they don’t want or wait to give them something they do want until an occasion makes it “appropriate”.
Besides… By far the best gifts are those which money can’t buy.

Which brings us to consumerism. Especially during the holidays, people allow themselves to be brainwashed by this notion that buying things will solve their problems, will make them happier, will please their friends and family and perhaps even appease their enemies. It certainly works for some, but not for long. And besides, why would a thinking person care for those who can be bought?
It’s insanity! Everybody wasting time and money to buy what they are told they need, or at least would make things better. The sad part is that some of them know they’ll be too tired from all the running around and preparations and too worried by the fact that they will have money problems for months to come as a result of their shopping spree to enjoy their purchases, but they still get caught up in it. It’s a tide which many lack the strength to swim against and it shows how not fighting against society is enough to support it.

Which brings me to this… I was looking through one of the many catalogs making their way into this house, thinking the usual thoughts about wasting paper, giving bad gifts and consumerism, when I saw a section with traditional food and sweets. It struck me how sad it is that people these days work more and more in order to earn more and more in order to be able to afford to buy more and more of the things they have less and less time to do themselves because of all the time they spend working in order to be able to afford buying them.
It’s a vicious circle that most people don’t seem to even want to get out of anymore. I guess giving up is their right, but why do they have to take the rest down with them? Because that’s what they’re doing since, as I said above, not fighting against the status quo implies that you support it.