Cav's Place

Since this is the last would-have-been anniversary before getting to be hurt longer than I was in the relationship, I’m trying to figure out exactly when that’ll happen. But it depends on the day I consider as the day we broke up. I don’t think that will ever be clear, but I tend to take the day she left as the day we broke up, though if you think things through it seems the least likely out of all the options. Still, if it’s that day then the tipping point should be December 12th… Exactly five months from now. Sure, a lot can happen in five months, but that’d be nothing short of a miracle and I seem to have been found unworthy of any of those.

I’m just sitting here and remembering bits and pieces, perhaps reliving some of them… It’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. Yes, far more terrible than wonderful, considering how things stand, but I wouldn’t give up what we had for anything. I wouldn’t give up what I’m feeling for anything either, regardless of how much it hurts. The feelings, memories and precious few items I still have that I can somehow connect to her are all I have left. And the pain they cause is infinitely better than the nothingness that would be left without them. But enough about that. Here’s our relationship in the flashes that are running through my mind…

The first time we met, exactly six years ago. We had no idea how it would turn out, just hoped we’d manage to go on that vacation together and really thought we’d do it as just friends. Train station, me looking right at her as she got off the train but thinking that can’t be her. But then she caught up to me, struggling to drag her luggage after her, and pulled on my sleeve.
Later that day, sitting on my bed with quite a bit of distance between us. I got a strange urge to tell her I like her eyes, so I did. She rolled them and said I’m not the first to say that, but it doesn’t work with her. I wondered what didn’t work, since I wasn’t trying to do anything.
That evening. Me being angry at my parents because they didn’t leave as they said they would. I turned towards the wall, fuming, but she got in front of me, hugged me and pecked me four times. Never on the lips, but close enough.
Then the kiss, or the attempt anyway. I’ll never know what got into me to do that… Mumbling “shows I don’t know how to do that” and then staring at her as she was staring at me, unblinking, for about one minute. One endless minute of sheer panic, not knowing how she’ll react, until she finally said “then let me teach you” and proceeded to do just that.
Her begging me to go sleep with her in the other bedroom since my parents left it for her when she said she didn’t want to sleep in the same room with me before reaching the hotel. Eventually each of us sleeping alone. Me staring at the ceiling for a long time and wondering what’s going on.
Next morning, parents gone, waking up to her looking at me and saying it’s already too late to be sleeping. I thought I was in trouble, stumbled upon a morning person…
A little later. Kissing and groping each other until I had a really bad case of blue balls and she said she’s hurting in certain areas too, but we didn’t move further than that.
Next day, on the train, her trying to hold my hand and cuddle, or at least get me to react somehow, and me ignoring her completely because I was too uncomfortable since there were others around.
Getting there, looking around confused, wondering what we were going to do next. Her taking charge, picking a cab driver and being on our way to the hotel.
In our room, or apartment to be more exact. On the floor, me struggling with her to find out why she was upset. Then making out a bit right then and there, until she got worried that somebody might see since all windows were wide open. I doubt anybody could have seen us, not without a helicopter at least.
Going out to eat for the first time, after she took about one hour to “get ready”. Me saying “next time I’ll tell you we should go out an hour early” right as we went past the maid. Her whispering “now you just confirmed it” a few seconds later, referring to the fact that those at the hotel thought we were married, somehow.
The waiter at the restaurant asking me for the order. Me promptly getting up and running away, leaving her alone. I kept running until some barking scared me, then I just stood there, frozen. Eventually went back in, with her, feeling like shit.
That night, fooling around until I came, clothed. Washing my underwear in the sink while she was laughing her ass off.
Later that night, me feeling bad about what had just happened, thinking we went too far. Her getting upset at this. Arguments. Breaking up, apparently. Despair. Long talks. Hugging and making up after a sleepless night.
Going out while there, me keeping my distance, not wanting to hold her hand. Her being frustrated every time.
Third day there, her wanting to do oral to me in the morning. Me worried that I’ll give her something if she does, considering the rash I had been having there for years (recently found out it’s atopic dermatitis, nothing much to do about it). Her saying she’ll take a look and judge for herself, checking out my cock and balls on all sides, saying she doesn’t think it’s contagious and starting to play with it.
That night, her going all the way with the oral after a long talk about what to do when I’ll come. She said she’ll kiss me and pass it on, me saying ok and her doing just that after I was done. A long time later, her telling me that moment was crucial in getting rid of her blocks when it came to sex.
Same night, taking a bath together with the lights off because she wouldn’t have it any other way. Trying to be really quiet because she was afraid others from the hotel would hear us…
Next day (I think), walking and talking. Finding out our grandparents are from the same village. Her saying that if we dig deep enough we might find out we’re some kind of cousins. Me thinking that’d be seriously fucked up.
Me tricking her into letting me do oral on her. The initial protests quickly dying down, but her eventually stopping me. Me asking if it was that bad and her saying “no, quite the contrary” while appearing quite confused.
The night we tried to go all the way for the first time, worried about lots of things and not managing much in the end because we were both too tense.
Next day, things finally working well. Her saying “I think I might have finished too if you had kept that up just a few seconds more” just after I was done. Me getting pissed and asking why didn’t she just say so and her saying she just didn’t want to.
A morning when the maid wanted to come in while we were sleeping (again). She got up and went to the door while I crawled on to an armchair and almost toppled over immediately.
A couple of days later. Me getting a cold, her getting me something for it which made me quite drowsy but I wanted to do it. Was done in about five seconds. Felt like shit.
Our only real hike, up to a cabin that was actually the starting point of several trails. All the times she said she’ll stop and wait for me to get back. Me wanting to pick a trail and keep going after we reached the cabin, but her barely being able to make it inside, sit down at a table and order some food.
Her first orgasm with me. She was exhausted, fell asleep while I was doing oral and woke up having an orgasm.
The only other trip outside the city while we were there, climbing up through the forest and back down on a ski slope, talking all the time. Or a ski slope is what it looked like, but it was summer so we couldn’t be sure.
A dinner at a gas station. No idea why I remember that so vividly, but I do.
An evening when we were in bed, eating and watching TV. Her saying “you’d say we were married”, me saying “no, if we were married we’d be doing something else in bed” and her replying with “no, before marriage we should be doing something else in bed, afterwards we’d do exactly this”.
The time she wanted to have sex during a Formula One race, just to see how good I am at “multitasking”. I was just going through the motions while my attention was on the race, which seemed to amuse her quite a lot.
The last night there. Making the most of it. Her saying she wants me inside of her when I knew I was so close I couldn’t even put a condom on. Her saying we’ll do it without one in that case and managing to get me in anyway despite my protests. Me asking if she’s sure she wants me to come inside of her, her saying no while at the same time clinging on to me tightly and starting to move, which caused the inevitable to happen in about two seconds… Both of us being worried sick about it afterwards. Still not proud at all for allowing that to happen, even though nothing bad came out of it.
The sadness we both felt while waiting for the train that’d bring us back, not knowing what would happen next. A moment when I was just walking around with the camera, turned towards her and saw her looking the other way. I took a picture, it turned out bad, but it means a lot.
The inner struggle to mask the joy we both felt in the car after getting back here, when dad said they’re planning to have some work done on the house and asked if she could arrange for me to live with her during that time instead of dragging me to my grandparents as they’d have done otherwise.
The frustration we felt while trying to act as just friends again around my parents for the few days she spent here after coming back from our trip, before her mom came to get her since she didn’t want to go back alone.
How careful we were about anything we did at night so nobody would hear anything, since that bed squeaked like crazy.
A moment when dad started calling me while I was doing oral to her. Someone else was around as well. My door can’t be locked. We both froze. That evening he asked if we had slept earlier and I managed to say “I guess so, why?” while we both kept a straight face. The laugh we had about it after we got back to my room…

And here I go focusing on just those first two weeks again. Have to post this now because I want it posted today and there’s not much time left until midnight. I seem to focus on the beginning a lot when I remember things. I guess it’s normal, everything was new, everything happened the first time for me, everything started from there. But I’ll keep writing this and post the other flashes later too. It probably won’t be a very accurate description of our relationship, but it’s not meant to be. Only images running through my mind these days, nothing more…

Today is World Population Day and I couldn’t miss the opportunity. It’s been far too long since I wrote about this, and that’s strange because I see overpopulation as the worst problem these days. At first I wanted to have a series of posts on this topic, but after the first I just couldn’t bring myself to it anymore. It’s a big struggle to write this too because I feel I have to write it and I can’t want to do something I have to do, just how my mind works, and if I don’t want to do something obviously I can’t do it well, and when something this important turns out badly I feel like crap. But I feel like crap anyway…

The purpose of this day seems to be to create awareness about the availability of safe, affordable and reliable voluntary birth control. Some would say that’s enough to stop our population growth, but I don’t think so. It works with intelligent people who are interested in the big picture, aren’t driven by their instincts and don’t accept society’s norms, but that’s only a very small percentage of people. Yes, of course you’ll reduce the number of births and offer a lot of other benefits by eliminating unwanted pregnancies, but that reduction will not be enough, not to mention that making safe, affordable and reliable birth control available to all doesn’t equal eliminating unwanted pregnancies.
The problem here is that there is massive resistance to any attempt to limit births. Even in China’s case where such a rule has been implemented and considered successful by the authorities there are plenty of exceptions and loopholes, plus people who would rather have more children and face the consequences anyway. Many see it as their right to have children, maybe even as their duty! Whether for religious reasons, tradition or simply because they are driven by their instincts, people will not voluntarily reduce birth rates so much as to quickly begin significantly reducing the population worldwide. I think the fact that some people are trying to come up with cheap fertility treatments and their reasons for doing so proves that point.

Still, it’s a good sign that even financial institutions support reducing the number of births. The current world economy is designed like an ancient empire, it needs its base to continue expanding in order to be able to support itself, and the population is that base. But it seems that we have reached a tipping point, the base is too large to be sustainable anymore so the expansion has to be halted for economic reasons too. Never thought that’d happen…
Considering how influential the rich are, if the current population is becoming unsustainable from a financial point of view as well then there might actually be some hope. On the other hand, more people means more demand, resulting in higher prices and potentially greater profits. Some will stop their reasoning right there regardless of circumstances, even when it’s obvious that such a demand can’t be met anymore and that the only possible result of that is the population being reduced by famine, disease and war.
But maybe enough will see how things truly stand, look beyond today and be willing to make their resources available so this problem will eventually be solved. There are plenty of organizations trying to make that happen already, though some are going too far (if only because we still need to clean up our own mess). Some try to achieve that through education, others through legislation… I don’t think any one means is enough and perhaps not even all of them together could solve the problem quickly enough unless paired with a very direct (and harsh, wherever needed) approach, but everything helps.

What humanity as a whole needs to understand is that people are the only species that managed to override the laws of Nature on this planet. Or at least the only one which has survived (so far) after doing it. Everything that happens without being caused by humans should happen, whether good or bad that’s the natural order of things. However, when we get involved then everything should be judged according to the results, the effects each action has over the planet as a whole. And from that point of view we have a lot to answer for, and a large part of that is simply because there are so many of us!
The human population has more than doubled over the past 50 years! Knowing that, how do people expect anything other than our current problems? Of course there can’t be enough food or water for all of us, of course there can’t be enough room for all of us to live in decent conditions, of course there can’t be enough resources to create necessary items for everyone, of course there simply can’t be enough things to do for all to earn enough to make a living!
A hundred million people would probably be able to live well even without being too careful with the amount of resources they use, not to mention that they’d be able to settle only the most suitable regions and therefore have the best living conditions at all times. Two or three billion people could also live in decent conditions if they’d be at least somewhat careful, and I think that’s what we should be aiming for… Because nearly seven billion is just mind-blowing…

July 12th is coming. It’d have been our sixth anniversary. As it is, it just means it’s been nearly three years since she left. Getting closer and closer to being hurt longer than I’ve been in the relationship.
I’m just stuck on that now, have been since last week, but I supposedly have work to do these days so I have to let it out early. Not that I see any chance of not crashing completely two days from now, but maybe I’ll manage to get something done until then. Dad again, of course, but at least this time I don’t mind since it’s something I would have done anyway since I meant to post something on the topic tomorrow. Just wish it’d have been any other time, but others have picked the date a long time ago.
On another note, the summer has been surprisingly nice so far. Not too hot, some wind and rain, occasional brief storms… I like storms. It’s so sad that most people run away from Nature instead of embracing it.
I’m thinking of the cats a lot too. Miss them… Blacky as well, wonder if she’s still alive. Considering what Andra said about her condition when we talked and that it’s been several months since then, I guess the right thing would be to hope she isn’t, so she won’t be suffering anymore.
Just bruised my knuckles punching the door. At least I’m alone right now. I’m alone and all I’m doing is sitting here, listening to depressing songs and writing this. When I wrote that it’s been several months since me and Andra talked I just had to do that. Not that it helps with anything. There was a time when turning some of it into physical pain made it a little more bearable for a little while, but I guess that’s over too.

Sweden certainly doesn’t seem to live up to its name of flag bearer of freedom anymore. After apparently losing the right to choose who to invite to your party, its residents will also lose the right to communicate privately, as well as the presumption of innocence it seems…
This fight against terrorism certainly seems to be a good excuse for anything, doesn’t it? Don’t let the fact that any terrorists with the brains to mastermind a devastating attack would also be smart enough to code their communications properly fool you… Keep people scared and you’ll be able to do anything you want. Not that the people approve of something like this, but if you manage to implant that doubt in the minds of some then the protests won’t be quite as vehement and you just might be able to get away with it.
What makes it even worse is that it’s Sweden! When something like this happens in a country that’s so well known for actually being free (as opposed to just claiming to be free, like the United States), it has a greater impact. That could very well be the actual idea, make others wonder what chance do they have to stop it from happening in their own countries if it already happened in Sweden. Just a conspiracy theory you say? Time shall tell, but I’m starting to wonder if these theories even go far enough…

In other news, YouTube will have to give all user histories to Viacom! It’s a “piracy” issue again, of course, and it seems very similar to the Swedish law in a way. It seems to be one more move aimed towards demoralizing people, because a big media company won even against a giant like Google.
Google might not actually be that innocent when it comes to copyright issues. I’m not talking about current laws, I’m talking about what laws should state if they’d be fair, namely that commercial use of another’s copyrighted material is illegal, but non-commercial use is not a problem. I don’t know how YouTube earns money for Google, but if they earn anything when people watch or upload content it means they use that material commercially, even if they don’t upload it themselves. If they do earn money that way then it’s something that could be argued, but the debate should end there!
I look at this and don’t get what does all that private data have to do with what type of content is more popular. Couldn’t they just ask for the number of times each video has been played, or perhaps at most the number of unique visitors for each? Not to mention that in a fair world the only request from Viacom’s list which should have even been considered would have been the one about the advertising schema, for the reason I mentioned above, but that was denied and this was approved! The only explanation I can find is, I say again, that it’s a show of strength, proving that they can do it in hopes of scaring everyone else into submission.
People are already a bit bothered by Google for taking down videos whenever the copyright holders request it, so their attitude when it comes to this ruling is going to tip the scales. Complying with something like this means betraying their users, as simple as that! On the other hand, if they decide to fight it at all costs, especially if they do that by lashing out against distributors in general, they’ll have millions of people backing them in every way that they can. With such a strong company in the front lines, good things might actually happen…

The bottom line is that we need to put aside our differences, leave our comfort zones and fight as one against the common enemies, because otherwise we’ll all end up treated like criminals and lose our rights and freedoms faster than we’d have thought possible until recently. A single ant is powerless against a large animal and even dozens of them might be squashed at once, but when an entire colony is determined to take down said large animal it eventually will. I think we have a lot to learn from that.

For a test that has obviously received a lot of attention from its author, it’s strangely inaccurate. How can it say I avoid intimacy? And this is actually the lowest I can get that rating without lying directly, because if I weren’t to adjust my answers slightly according to how it works (as opposed to what it actually asks) I’d get The Doormat (“You are uncomfortable getting close to others. You want emotionally close relationships, but you find it difficult to trust others completely. You don’t believe you deserve very much, so you don’t try very hard to win favor. You prefer to lie there until someone comes along to walk all over you. It’s okay. You’re used to being stepped on.”) and, while the second part of that description is reasonably true, saying that I’m uncomfortable getting close to others and have difficulty trusting them completely is absolutely wrong.
I’m quite sure I should have scored The Cling Wrap (“You want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but you often find that others are reluctant to get as close as you would like. You are uncomfortable being without close relationships, but you sometimes worry that others don’t value you as much as you value them. You tend to follow people around, trying to make them like you by doing nice things for them. Unfortunately, this tactic tends to make people uncomfortable.”), or at least that’s how I see myself (except the part where it says I try to make people like me by doing nice things for them, why would you need a reason to do something nice for a friend?) and wish a lot more people would be like that as well… Or at least those I am or might want to become close to, so I’ll stop feeling stonewalled all the time.
But I guess it’s a reasonable compromise, as there’s no way I could get that “avoidance” rating that low (below 15%) without lying through my teeth. An easier way would be to get both my ratings slightly lower, but that would once again be lying because while I wasn’t too afraid of being abandoned before Andra left, I certainly am now. Why doesn’t it split friends from family and people you’re close to from people in general I don’t know, because the way I view and treat those groups are almost opposite so putting them together will obviously cause strange results. Quite a pity, considering all the effort put into it…