Cav's Place

Stumbled upon an animation with an environmental theme recently and made the mistake of glancing at the comments. It seems like whenever I do that I should add people to a potential hit list. For example the author of the comment that starts with “Environmentalists are more anti-human than any other ignorant -ism I have seen. They feel that the environment has its own value aside from its use to humans, even though without humans there would be no one to give it value. They anthropomorphize mindless beasts in order to play on people’s emotions.” (At least the spelling’s proper!)
Let’s analyze that for a moment. The way humans treat the Earth is certainly similar to the way a virus treats the organism it infects, using resources without providing anything in return, multiplying recklessly, causing damage to said organism’s components, eventually even changing the way that organism’s inner systems work in order to cause even more harm and ultimately causing the organism’s death. Actually, that’s the description of a stupid virus, because smart ones don’t cause that much damage and certainly don’t kill their host, therefore ensuring their own survival. Humans aren’t just a virus, they’re a stupid virus!
Now, on to that comment. Having established that humans are a stupid virus, why exactly wouldn’t one be anti-human? I don’t see anyone saying they’re pro-ebola, for example… Moving on, who exactly gave humans the right to establish the value of things greater than themselves, like the environment? While we’re at it, the question should be what’s the value of humans if they’re of no use for the environment, don’t you think? I mean, if we want to have any value, shouldn’t we work towards evolving from a stupid virus to a symbiote? As for those “mindless beasts”, they cause far less harm than we do, and when they do harm it’s not on purpose. Besides, for any really intelligent species which might be observing us, we’re the mindless beasts. Put that into perspective.
Thinking about it logically, we weren’t “put” here for a certain purpose and neither was the environment. It’s just the way things developed and we should strive to live in harmony with each other, with all the other creatures that we share this planet with (except the viruses and parasites, since they won’t live in harmony with anything) and with the Earth itself. (And even if you look at it from a religious perspective and say everything was “put” here by a greater intelligence for a certain purpose, you still end up with the conclusion that humans are the stewards of the Earth and therefore need to take care of it, not destroy it.) When we’ll manage that we’ll be worthy of calling ourselves “intelligent”. Until then we’re just the human virus…

Remember when I said that Spain should hurry up and help bulls as soon as possible if they’re keeping an eye on animal rights? It would seem that, about a week before that, the International Court of Justice for Animal Rights had tried bullfighting and its supporters and urged the abolishment of this cruel practice.

I remember when we were getting bullfighting on TV here, shortly after the Revolution. Some of our best known sports commentators practiced broadcasting on TV on that. I guess they thought it was a good idea at the time, considering the bloody events that had just taken place and were still taking place at the time. It was probably also cheaper to broadcast than most other things.
I was watching it because there was literally nothing else to watch. The state-owned TV station had just switched from a broadcast schedule spanning two hours each day and featuring only propaganda to around sixteen hours per day (roughly, I don’t remember exactly) of “normal” broadcasts, so people stopped struggling with antennas to try catching some Bulgarian broadcasts, but private TV stations hadn’t yet surfaced. This is what was on around lunch time during the weekend (forgot if it was on both weekend days or not), I didn’t want to eat with everyone else anymore and it was a suitable excuse… I was five at the time, maybe six by the time they stopped broadcasting it. It felt wrong… Who knows, maybe watching that at such an early age has something to do with my current love for animals.

I remember seeing a comment a couple of weeks ago, while looking through various news sites to find the most suitable link to add to my post (which then kept getting postponed). It was something like “As an animal lover I hate it. As a Spanish animal lover I love it. You’ll never understand it unless you’ve been raised in this culture.” and it outraged me. What the fuck is there to love in ritualized butchery? As it was said before the Court, no tradition can justify cruelty to animals!
What if we’d create a new tradition, turn things around a bit? It’d still involve a bull and a human in an arena, but the human would be the one wounded before the fight and wielding no other weapons than the ones Nature provided while the bull would sport some enhancements (like spiked shoulder plates). It’d still be fairer for the humans than it is now for the bulls, since the bulls wouldn’t have allies waiting to intervene at the appropriate moments and they wouldn’t switch weapons during the fight. I wonder if bullfighting supporters would still enjoy it that much then… What do you think?

And here I am, picking up from where I left off and reaching the final part, after she met him. Painful to think of, but I do it a lot and it’s the part I tell people about most often. But that’s not the point here, I’m not telling the story, I’m only posting “images”, moments frozen in time…

Her being giddy after chatting with him for the first time, wondering what’s happening with her and where is this heading.
Next day, her asking me how can she fall in love with someone else while still being in love with me. Me explaining the idea of polyamory again, which caused her to just stare at me for a moment, then say she knew I was for this but, despite all I kept saying, always assumed I only saw it as being acceptable for others and perhaps myself, but not that I’d accept sharing her. Sad that after all that time she still hadn’t realized I don’t have double standards.
She was giving me oral after I had given her some. I was just about done when we heard the key in the lock. She rushed to close the door to our room while I wrapped myself in the blankets. Her mom called her as soon as she got in, so she threw something on and left me like that, rushing to get dressed as well. After a while she came back, sat on the edge of the bed, called me over and told me to pull down my pants. I did, she said to be done quickly and went at it hard and fast. It was over in about 20 seconds (though afterwards she said she thought it was about one minute and that I took too long since she had told her mom she’ll only need a moment because she was in the middle of something, which was perfectly true actually). She then wiped her mouth while swallowing several times so there won’t be visible traces left, then rushed back to continue the talk with her mom.
Lying in bed together, discussing him, their plans to meet and my terms. Her saying she’s not sure anything sexual will happen and that she wants me around at all times so she’ll be able to rush to me if she realizes she only thinks she wants anything to do with him.
She was starting to do oral to me, stopped and said she wants to ask something. I ask what, but she shakes her head and says she changed her mind. I insist, she says that if she’ll say it she probably won’t want to continue anymore. I say I’ll take my chances and she says she was wondering how would it be to film this. At first I’m shocked since she had opposed the idea so vehemently until then that I had given up on it completely, but then we talk about it for a while and decide to do it.
The first red flag, when she told me he asked her why do I have to know about it. I just said “because I do”. It wasn’t a red flag concerning her, so I let it slide.
Her buying some new panties and asking me to take some pictures of her in them to send to him. Me asking her to let me take a few pictures of her naked in return, something she had never allowed me to do before. Eventually she agreed, but was edgy about the angles and even more so about having her face show. She saw the results, didn’t like how they turned out and had me take an equal number of pictures while she actually posed, apparently throwing insecurities aside.
While she was getting ready to leave for the training camp and I was struggling to cope with the thought of not being together for three weeks. Looking pointedly at me and saying he’s quite jealous and a little bothered by the idea of sharing her, but accepts it because he already knows her well enough to know she’ll always choose against anyone who makes her choose. I look oddly at her and say I never even thought of making her choose between me and him. She says she wasn’t talking about that, but about making her choose between me and what she has to do for her future career.
The phone talks while she was away, about one hour each and that being only because I was cutting them short, thinking of the bills. The way she kept saying she can’t take it anymore and, as fun as that training camp is, she just wants to hop on a train and be back with me as soon as possible.
Walking around the room one night, thinking about how will this work out. Being both excited by the possibility of actually walking my talk about polyamory and scared at the same time (I think it’s the first time I admit this). Praying for guidance.
Talking on the phone with her after he had to cancel the plans to meet after she got back from the training camp. Her anger and determination to call everything off and never even speak with him again.
The day she got back. Me rushing down as her mom was still parking the car, her climbing out, pulling me around the corner and kissing me hard. I think this should be here but it could also belong in the previous post because I’m not sure if this happened after the camp was over or after she went to Bucharest to apply for it.
The first time we had sex after she got back. She was on the computer verifying the contact information she had from the people she met there and chatting with them while I was feeling more than a little left out. All of a sudden she got up, came next to me in bed and said “come on”. I pulled her panties aside, got my cock out and we went at it without any kind of preparation, kissing furiously. After a little while she stopped for a moment to pull her panties down, I also tried to pull my pants down but didn’t quite manage in time so they were left clinging to one of my legs. After she had her orgasm I asked where does she want me to come and she said on her belly. I moved inside her a few more times, stopped, started again, stopped again and then restarted and kept a slow and steady pace for a minute or so. It probably made her think I wanted to come inside of her. She put a hand on my face and looked right into my eyes, very reassuringly. Eventually I pulled out and did what she said, of course.
Three days after she came back, when she decided to talk to him again, thinking she’ll only do it to let him know just how angry she is. 30 minutes later all was forgiven and they were making plans again, but he was trying to get her to go to him and she was refusing vehemently.
Her wanting to film ourselves having sex too. Then, a few days later, to also film me giving her oral. This latter movie was quickly deleted because all you could see was the back of my head. (She also deleted the one of us having sex, later, after she kicked me out of the room, saying she didn’t like how she looked in it.)
A common friend coming over to spend a couple of days with us while Andra’s mom was away. Picking her up from the train station under a pouring rain. Getting home and discussing the whole situation while drying ourselves.
Putting on an episode of a (supposed) reality show from Playboy we were recording because said friend had said she was curious, but she was already struggling to stay awake so she fell asleep while watching it. Andra then went to the computer to talk to him and I eventually got in bed next to said friend intending to go to sleep. Bubu stared at me, stared at Andra, stared at our friend, walked around a little and then, with the feline equivalent of a shrug, went to sleep in his usual place between us. We had a laugh about that afterwards, saying that it seems that as long as he has a “daddy” and a “mommy” he doesn’t much care who they are.
Around dawn Andra wanted to go to sleep and the initial plan was for me to go to the living room and sleep on the couch there. But then she came with me, we stretched out the couch and she was feeling “playful”. We kept listening carefully in case our friend woke up, since the living room doors had windows and hardly stayed closed anyway, the slightest touch would open them.
The first major red flag. Completely out of the blue, she says she doesn’t need to keep doing things for me just because I’m allowing her to do things with him if they’ll meet, she’s thankful for it but if I wouldn’t have allowed it she’d have kicked me out immediately and done whatever she wanted anyway. I ask where did that come from and she starts laughing and says she has no idea. Made me think though, especially about the part where she said she does things for me because I’m allowing this. She was obviously doing lots of things that she kept refusing until then and being way more attentive towards me, but I thought that was because meeting him and actually considering something like this made her open up more, not because she was feeling guilty.
Her mom coming through our room to get something while she was chatting with him and he had his webcam on (luckily only showing his face). Her mom stopped, turned around and asked who that is. She just said “some guy” while I was biting my lips not to laugh.
Another red flag, I think it was the very next day. I was playing Knights of the Old Republic II and all of a sudden she says she’s actually considering going to England to him and, if things work out, staying there for some six months or so until she can arrange for me to come live with them, assuming I’ll have all the required papers ready by then. I casually ask what happens if I don’t want to live in England. She snaps at me, saying that in that case I can do whatever the hell I please, but he can’t move to Romania so that’s the only way. I turn around and just stare at her. She lowers her eyes and shrugs.
I think it was that night, but it might have been the night before. She came to me saying she’s horny and wants me to take her from behind. Now for some reason I could never last for any remotely reasonable length of time while doing it doggy style and that time was no different. I meant to go again after I came but she said she can manage by herself and had me lie next to her while she masturbated, looking away from me.
The next time we had sex, which was also the last time before she kicked me out of the room. He had just masturbated for her on the webcam or something, not exactly sure what, I was reading a book, and she just rushed to me, threw her clothes off and said she needs me inside her that very second. I ask if that’s his effect on her and she says “what do you think?”. Wanted it from behind again and the result was the same as before. She got up right after I was done, went to the computer to tell him what she did and that she’s going back for “round two” and did just that. Still wanted it from behind, but because I had just had an orgasm I was hardly feeling anything so I had no problem keeping a solid rhythm for quite some time. After a couple of minutes she asked if I’m even feeling anything, I said I’m feeling being inside her and that I thought the whole point was for her to feel more this time. After this she was visibly distraught and it didn’t exactly go well.
I think it was just a few hours later. Something was obviously bothering her and I pressed until she eventually gave in. She asked me to sit down with her and, looking down, trying to cover her face and struggling to find the words, she eventually managed to say that the last two times we had sex she was imagining I was him and that’s why she wanted it from behind, then kept saying she can’t understand how can that happen since she still loves me. (Later she said it was also because she started to cry when she couldn’t keep up the illusion anymore and didn’t want me to see.) I hugged her and we talked about it very openly, or at least that’s what I thought.
I think it was the next day (and I’m sure it was just four days after that friend left). She had seemed lost in thought earlier, but in the evening when I woke up from a nap she immediately came to me to give me a hug and a kiss and things were looking great.
I went to watch a match on TV, came back when she was going to bed and shortly afterwards she started complaining that my typing is keeping her up, then yelled at Bubu for making noise too, then at me again, then got up and hit me hard over the head with her towel. I just reacted to being hit, got up and pushed her violently away. She “growled” a “be very careful, you just hit me”, but I had already calmed down and was able to very calmly say that she hit me first. She started laughing hysterically, said “fine, then we’re even” and went to take a bath.
She came back after well over one hour in the bathroom and seemed to be in a murderous mood. I tried to find out what really happened but she wouldn’t say anything. Eventually she snapped at me that she doesn’t have enough space and is too stressed for this and I’m not even letting her use the computer enough. I reply that I let her on whenever she wants and always have, she says “I want to use it now and it’s not free, is it?” and I get up and let her on.
I spend some time in the kitchen, she comes to grab something to eat, I try to hug her but she just stands there, arms limp, so I sigh and let her go. Then she goes back to our room and closes the door. I wait I little longer and then try to go in. As soon as I open the door she yells at me to get out and stay out, so I go to her brother’s old room and curl up in a ball on an armchair, on top of a big pile of clothes.
Eventually I try again to get back in our room. Knock on the door, she asks what do I need, I open the door and ask if I can come in again and she firmly says no. I ask when will she let me back in and she quietly says she doesn’t know. I ask why did she kick me out and she angrily tells me to leave her alone. I ask what am I supposed to do now and she looks down, plays with her fingers, shakes her head and very quietly says “I don’t know, just please give me some time, please”. You could hear the tears in her voice.
For those three weeks she wouldn’t let me in the room with her while she was awake, but did let me come and use the computer after she went to bed or when she was taking a bath. I’d try to get things done on the computer as quickly as possible so I could crawl next to her in bed afterwards and just be close to her. Crying, caressing her, asking why… If I managed to fall asleep before she woke up, sometimes she’d let me sleep there. Other times she’d turn on the music or a movie very loudly to get me out. I’d always gently brush my hand against her on my way out, sometimes briefly hugged her too. If I was up and looking like I was feeling, namely absolutely devastated and going insane, chewing my fingers or pulling my hair or other such things, she’d just ignore me completely.
Three tormenting days after being kicked out, the common friend I mentioned earlier convinced her to stop ignoring me, so for quite some time we were exchanging e-mails. We were leaving messages for each other, discussing it like that. At first she was absolutely furious, accusing me of anything and everything she could think of. Eventually she admitted that she had forced herself to dig up everything that could make her hate me because loving two people at the same time is simply too much for her, she needed to push one away and didn’t have a history with him to find enough bad moments in, so the only way was to make herself hate me.
Bubu needed to be rushed to the vet. I obviously meant to go along and Andra couldn’t say no because she didn’t want to have to explain what’s going on to her mom, who was driving. Just looking at her and touching her fingers with mine as we were both trying to comfort him.
A few days before the end of that terrible period something seemed to be changing. She came to me in the living room to say she has to go to the post office. I asked if she’d like me to go with her but she refused. A little later she came to tell me that she broke her glasses. Then an e-mail from her said she finds that she went from barely managing not to kill me to tolerating my presence without too much effort.
Thinking things might be settling down and also because she was sometimes leaving the door open now, I was coming to talk to her whenever I had anything to say and as long as I wouldn’t actually enter the room she seemed fine with it. Apparently I was assuming too much, because she closed the door once and I immediately went there and knocked. She yelled at me to wait a moment, then asked what was it. I said I thought we were over hiding from each other and she said I thought wrong and closed the door again.
Exactly three weeks after she kicked me out. She went to take a bath and told me to go to the computer if I want since she’ll go to bed just after she gets out. I got on the computer while she was still in the room, but then went to the bathroom, just in case she’ll take a long time. When I came back I saw that she had sent him a “fuck you” from my account. I tried explaining that it wasn’t me and asked him what did he do to her. He didn’t reply.
When she came out of the bathroom I asked her what happened and she asked what did he tell me. I said he didn’t say anything, then proceeded to press her for answers. Eventually we ended up in bed together and we talked for a long time. First about their current problem, then about them in general, about her plans (the day she kicked me out she had decided to go see him), about us and how she sees my future, everything…
At some point the talk turned sour and I couldn’t take that kind of treatment anymore. I turned around, said “just think about what I’m doing” and started crying. She fussed with the blankets for several minutes, then wrapped her arms around me. I turned my head and we kissed, crying our eyes out and her repeating that she’s sorry over and over.
A little later I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back she asked me to guess what did she do while I was gone. I tried a few things and she said all were wrong. While doing that I brushed my fingers against her hips by accident and didn’t feel anything there. I didn’t think much of it, so I just tried a few more things, but she said they were all wrong again. Then, not thinking it could in any way be true but running out of options, I said “you took off your panties”. She smiled and showed me.
After masturbating her for a while, I got my head down there. As soon as I did that she started crying and told me to stop. She managed to say that she really tried, but just can’t bring herself to do anything with anyone but him anymore.
A few hours later, already morning. She was kissing me again, getting on top of me, trying to get my cock out… I was pushing her off, telling her she doesn’t really want this and that she’ll feel really bad if we do it. She said she has gone far enough to feel really bad afterwards anyway and asked if I didn’t want it too. I shouted “what I want is to spend my entire life with you, not just fuck you one more time” and she said “we’ll see”.
She seemed to have given up, but not entirely. We were lying next to each other, tired after the struggle. I was gently caressing her and she was looking at me and asked in a very hurt voice if she doesn’t attract me anymore while she pulled her t-shirt up to reveal her breasts for a moment. I couldn’t hold back anymore, so I jumped on her and entered her immediately. She gasped, held on to me tightly and then said “with your pants still on?”. Don’t know how she thought I would have managed that…
We just stood like that for quite some time. I couldn’t really move because I hadn’t even masturbated during those three weeks, so it would have been over very quickly. Eventually she started fingering herself and told me to just stay inside like I told her I wanted to (in one of those e-mails). I had second thoughts and tried to stop it several times, but she was clinging on to me desperately and begging me not to. Eventually she came and then so did I, on her belly. She completely let herself go during her orgasm and then said it was the best she ever had. I think it was the same for me.
After we caught our breath I asked her not to cut me off again. She looked at me for one long moment, then said “you know me so well, that was just what I wanted to do”. A moment later she added “fine, I’ll try, but don’t be surprised if I’ll crack again, I make no guarantees, it could even be tomorrow”.
She sent him an SMS to let him know about what happened and ask if that changes anything. He replied to say it doesn’t. She then said she wants him to have all the details but she can’t bring herself to write about it, so she asked me to do it. I did, she read it, told me to add a few more things, I did and then she sent him the result.
The only other time we tried anything sexual before she left. We were in bed together and she pressed against me. I asked if she expects me to try going to sleep like that or wants me to try to change her mind (after we had sex she let me back in our room and we’d hug and kiss, but she had said no more sex). She said she doesn’t know, so I tried the “changing her mind” part. She seemed quite wild after a while, moaning gently and trying to masturbate. I was pushing her hands away, she kept trying to put them back and was obviously getting extremely frustrated. When I thought she was where I wanted her to be I asked what did she want me to do. She froze, stared at me and started crying. I tried to give her oral but she stopped me and said she can’t handle this. At first she really wanted to do it with me but after I got her really worked up she slipped into her fantasy again and imagined I was him, so when I spoke that fantasy shattered and she just couldn’t go on anymore.
Chatting with her while she was in Bucharest, getting the required papers. Her sending me the pictures she had taken of herself for him and also telling me about the other things they did and their plans.
The morning she left. She was going crazy with the luggage and I was doing my best not to collapse before she was out the door (did that by reading a book, was one of the hardest things I ever did). A moment when she asked me to try on some clothes she wanted to give him.
The final moment. Her mother (who thought she was just going to visit a friend) was going crazy, trying to make sure everything was where it needed to be and telling me to check various things. I was just standing in the middle of the hallway, crying my eyes out and completely unable to move. Andra came to me, took my hands in hers and kissed me passionately. Then she said we’ll see each other in about a month (that was the original plan), turned around and went out the door.
I was out on the balcony, looking after her and contemplating jumping. Her mom rushed back in, telling me to find Andra’s jacket because it’s not in the car. I managed to go to the door, but that was it, I couldn’t do anything but cry. She found it and went out. The moment she opened the door I meant to run out, get to Andra and beg her not to go, on my knees, in the middle of the street, at 4 AM. I couldn’t move. I didn’t. (She later said it would have made no difference.)

There are some things I could say about the time after she left, but I won’t make another post for those. For now they’re irrelevant, because they’re not really “flashes”. There’s only one that really is, and I’ll add it here:
She had been there for over a month already, changed the date of her return flight to stay one more month. Then, one day, she asked me to check if it’d be cheaper for me to call her or for her to call me. I did and told her it’d be cheaper if she calls me and she did. She was crying and saying she locked herself in a room and doesn’t know what to do anymore. I panic, thinking he abused her or who knows what, but eventually she calms down enough to explain that she read a conversation he had with another woman. He was saying he wants to be with that other woman as soon that could happen, which due to very objective reasons was not for another two and a half years or so, and that Andra is just somebody he spends time with until then. She asked me what to do, then said “don’t answer that, I know what you’ll say”. I said “no, I won’t say that, I’ll say think things through and do what you feel is the right thing to do”. Considering where I am right now, you know what she chose… The same thing I’d have chosen if I were in her shoes… (The same thing regarding him at least, I wouldn’t have dumped me…)

If the previous posts turned out to be more than intended because I also included flashes I got while writing about the ones I’m usually getting, this one was even more than that. It’s almost the entire story… What I always do when my mind goes there, tell everything… 49 “images” to cover two months and one week (plus one that happened later), three more than those covering the 21 months of living together before she met him. These “images” are also far more detailed than the rest.
If you look at it, it seems so logical. The signs were there and it seems so obvious that this is how it was going to turn out. But I see nothing I could have done to keep her, all other options seem to have resulted in even worse outcomes. I blame myself for all of this but can’t figure out what I should have done, which makes me blame myself even more. There’s just too much pain…

She’ll probably be quite angry if she’ll ever see this posted publicly, but it’s my story. I actually think it’s way more my story than hers, because mine it still is while hers it only was.
On the other hand, it’s the first time I post the story (or significant parts of it at least) here. I guess people thought I posted the whole thing a long time ago, but no, this is it…

I think this post will cover the time after I moved in with her, before she met him. Perhaps a couple of things from my previous post should be here and a couple of things from this one should be in the previous one instead, but I can’t place them that accurately anymore… It should be a shorter post, though. The first one had 36 “images” that happened over two weeks, the second had 62 and it covered almost 14 months. This one will cover 21 months and I’m expecting it to be shorter than the previous one, isn’t that strange?

Her grabbing my hand and pulling me back to say she’s not asleep yet and couldn’t sleep without me next to her after I thought she was asleep once and tried to get up and go to the computer since I wasn’t sleepy myself.
Hugging her, burying my head in her hair and saying I loved her after she fell asleep. Did that on most nights, or mornings or whatever they were, after she told me to stop saying it and start proving it one time too many. If I had to choose one thing I miss the most, I think this would be it, as strange as it is since it’s not something she did…
Both of us reading in the bathtub, which usually turned into her reading while I was masturbating her. Sometimes that’d turn into some quick sex or I’d get some oral, but more often than not I’d make her come like that and then came on her myself.
Having the maid her mother hired come on Tuesdays. Us waking up to let her come clean our room only to move to the living room, somehow squeeze together on the couch and go back to sleep holding tightly to each other.
New Year’s. The two of us, her brother and his girlfriend, Delia. They were pretty much broken up at the time but he had invited her before he ended it so he kept his word. Midnight, Andra kissed me and Delia was crying her eyes out. He didn’t seem to care while me and Andra didn’t know what to do (or if we knew what we didn’t know how) to calm her down. Andra went to bed around 1:30 and eventually I went to our room as well. Spent some time on the computer, then got myself in bed next to her, though not before her brother came in to say something and caught me with my pants down since I was just changing clothes.
Dad coming to visit, taking us out for a pizza and me and her starting to fight over how to share ours. He quickly “had to go to the bathroom”. We were just laughing about the whole thing by the time he got back.
Being taken to a doctor while dad was also there and lashing out at doctors in general after getting out. Her saying that if it weren’t for doctors Bubu would have been dead by now. That was too much, so I just turned around and walked away alone. Eventually managed to find my way back home while apparently they were still searching for me around that area (dad didn’t want to believe I could have gone somewhere on my own). Packing my things as soon as I got in, then getting in bed and crawling under the blanket.
Later that evening, she said dad asked if I’m serious about packing my bags and she told him I wasn’t. Then stopped and asked if I really wasn’t.
Same doctor, a week or so later. Him needing to look at my cock and balls and asking if I’d like her to get out of the room. She said “I don’t think it’s me he’s worried about, I think it’s you”. Got that right…
The first time she shaved my head. I felt like crap looking like that.
Pufi (the older female cat) needing surgery. Me being worried sick while she and her mom were with her at the vet. Pufi getting back all bandaged and drowsy. Trying to go to Bijou (the younger female cat) for comfort but Bijou not recognizing her anymore and becoming aggressive, leaving Pufi very hurt and confused. Me staying awake until morning, so for nearly 24 hours straight, to look after her while the others slept. Letting her out of my sight for a moment and having her try to jump on the heater and then fall off. Finally going to bed after Andra woke up only to be woken up by her brother shouting only a few minutes later.
Being dragged along when she had to meet with somebody since she didn’t want to go out without me. Both me and that guy feeling very awkward about the whole thing. She realized it afterwards and didn’t press the next time.
Her pissing me off just a couple of days before her brother left for Spain. After a little argument in our room her brother called her and after she went to him and he asked what took so long she said, loudly, that some asshole was holding her up. I just flew out of the room in a rage and started shouting at her. Her brother got in between us, I started shouting at him, then she got between me and him…
The next day she was furious that we were late somewhere and I was apparently taking too long to take a piss for her liking. This being after she had spent some two hours getting ready. She started shouting and I just rushed to her, stopped so close our noses were touching and very calmly kept asking her to go to our room and talk about it if she has a problem while she kept shouting and pushing. Her brother hid in the living room and was just poking his head out. Later, he said that after seeing us both at our worst she’s clearly worse when angry than I am.
Once when we fell asleep in a pile, naked and with the room door open, after having sex. Wondering if her grandmother came by and saw us like that after we woke up, since she came by on most days.
Easter there. Me wanting to go to church the night before since I was still celebrating it at the time, being the only Christian thing that ever had some meaning to me. Her grandmother being happy that at least one of us is interested in such things and wanting me to go with her, but I didn’t want to and eventually went alone to another church. Got lost in the graveyard while trying to get back afterwards. Came back with mud up to my knees and Andra had some fun at my expense before getting angry when I meant to take the candle I had brought from church into our room.
She was having fun talking with a friend of hers while pretending she was me and that I had found someone else and planned to leave her. I was quite pissed off. So was the friend, after he found out.
Her mother had asked us to hang some sheets out to dry so I got to it. About one hour later I was still struggling with them. She poked her head out to ask if I’m still not done, I said yes, she sighed and went back in. This actually amused me even then.
Taking a shower together during a time when she really wasn’t in the mood for anything. Ending up having a quickie standing up, facing each other, with her pressed against the wall. I asked what got into her and she said she didn’t do anything, I just “took” her, and reminded me that the hardest part is to get her started.
Our worst period, sexually, when she wouldn’t even hear of it. I was climbing the walls and a friend was telling me enough is enough and I should tell her that unless she does her part to fix this I’ll leave. Considered it for the briefest moment, but then told him I’ll never leave her, no matter what.
Going to the doctor to have her birth control pills changed because the ones she was on were making her not want to have sex at all. I waited, she came out and said her doctor asked why’s it important to want to have sex. She said for her it isn’t and her doctor sighed and said she understands. Great, so I was the bad guy for wanting to do something with my girlfriend…
Was masturbating in our room while she was taking a bath. She came back sooner than I thought she would, startled me and that somehow made me come unexpectedly. Messy situation, literally.
A night when I was watching porn and masturbating when she woke up to go to the bathroom. She stopped next to me and looked oddly. I asked if I’m not even allowed to jerk off now. She just said she didn’t say anything and smiled.
The end of that period. Taking a shower together after two and a half months without sex (and it had been two months between the last two times too). I hadn’t even masturbated in the last three weeks, too frustrated even for that. She turned her back towards me, leaned against the wall, spread her legs a little and told me I have exactly five seconds. I was confused, so she pushed against me a little and said the clock’s ticking. After all that time, let’s just say that I didn’t even need the full five seconds… After that we slowly started to solve our problems in that aspect.
We did it while she was on her period, she had an orgasm and then immediately got up and went down on me. I was surprised and after I was done she asked if it was because she put her own blood in her mouth. At that moment she was hardly bleeding at all so I was more surprised by her doing what she did the way she did than that.
Taking a bath together, ending up doing things, I had just brought her to orgasm and she was starting to do something to me when her mom knocked on the door saying she needs to go to the bathroom. I stopped her and tried to get up, but she held me down and started masturbating me vigurously. I stopped her again, she said “your loss, I’m not going to do anything to you after we get out” and we rushed out. Once we got to our room I said “you realize you’d have left semen clogging the drain if we didn’t have time to clean up, right?”. Apparently she hadn’t. She didn’t stick to her word of not doing anything after getting out of the bathroom, thankfully.
We were coming back with Bubu from the vet and she wanted to go buy some things since we were out anyway. I went up with him but then realized she had the keys. We waited for her for about 20 minutes, him getting more and more agitated. When she finally got back and I told her why we were there she said she realized that as soon as we split up, but didn’t think to run after me. Annoying then, funny now.
Her “metal” phase. Downloaded lots and lots of songs and had me sort them. Especially when I spent three days sorting through a huge mess of Nightwish songs only to have her delete them after I was done because she found them already sorted in somebody else’s share and thought that looked nicer. Something else that’s funny only in hindsight.
The e-card she sent me to say she loves me but just can’t say it to my face. This should stand out far more than it can in writing…
All her disbelief in such things being turned around the moment she went to her grandparents and bumped into a healer her grandmother found for her grandfather when the doctors didn’t seem to be of much help anymore. That woman apparently just turned to look at her and told her what her problems were. She came back very excited and saying she’ll go have sessions with her and learn everything.
I started being a believer as well after she persuaded me to go, saw some results and managed to twist things around and explain them through my own belief system. One night me and Andra tried meditating together but she kept giggling.
An evening when she was in the living room and called me over from our room to give her a pen that was just out of her reach. She said she just didn’t feel like getting up. I think you know you love someone when something like that makes you want to hug them and not hit them.
Having the house all to ourselves for the holidays. Trying out each room and various positions one evening. What really stuck was when she was trying to ride me on the living room couch. We were just fooling around, having a laugh, not really doing much.
New Year’s. Our best and last together. Finally alone and being able to do whatever we wanted. We called it “junk food New Year’s” since that was basically all we had. We were too sick of setting the table and going through courses like before, so we didn’t bother with anything now that we didn’t have to anymore. Going out on the balcony from her brother’s old room, hugging tightly and freezing our butts off to watch the fireworks.
Her walking around the house naked one day. Got to the kitchen window, I hugged her, then she jumped, realized she could be seen, pushed me away and ran back covering her face with her hands.
Going to a small shop she found with a lot of organic things, herbal medicine, aromatherapy oils and other such things. She went in, I waited outside… She came out over one hour later.
Her waking me up very roughly one day by accidentally dropping her cell phone right on one of my eyes. Now that hurt! She seemed amused…
All the struggle to help Bubu pull through his health problems. Especially one visit to a vet that we were referred to because the problem had gotten worse than any of the other two were comfortable with handling. She was in there with him for a long time while I just paced around outside, worried sick.
The time we thought Bubu was going to die. I was a wreck, but she just refused to believe it, kept saying he has to pull through and that we’ll do it our way, not the way the doctors suggested since that seemed very bad for him. Looking for solutions and then being my job to give him the pills and teas and everything else two or three times per day, every day from then on until I was kicked out. Maybe you can say that she pulled me through and I pulled him through.
Me being worried about a possible health problem and leaving her a message about it on the computer, then locking myself in her brother’s old room and staying there for several hours. She had to go to school that day and apparently hadn’t taken her clothes from that room. Didn’t really mind, said it gave her an excuse to stay home.
Actually being taken to a doctor by her and her mom because of that. Freaking out before going, screaming and crying on the balcony, looking about as frightened as Bubu who was right next to me and wondering what was going on. She was really pissed. Freaked out while there as well and threw up on the way back.
Her telling me later that night that I need therapy for this. Also mentioning that dad talked to her about this when he came by back then and told her to never tell me. He had also arranged with a doctor he took me to then to tell me “things that were supposed to mean you should find a therapist”. Didn’t work…
After exchanging some e-mails with my dad, he asked her if that’s it and she’d like him to come pick me up. She turned towards me and said “doesn’t it just make you feel so much better knowing he trusts what we have so much?”.
Her staying at a friend’s place in Bucharest for a few days to apply for a training camp. Me thinking I’m chatting with that friend until she played along when I made a sexual joke. That made me suspect something, but I didn’t see any reason for her to do it so I ignored it… Until she eventually said it was her, acting as her friend.
Her not having the presentation for her final paper (don’t know how to call it to explain more clearly what I’m talking about to people from other countries) done the night before she had to present it. She slept while I worked on it based on her notes. Barely managed to finish before she had to leave. Cursed all through that night. She complained about the cursing.
We were out and the bottom of one of my shoes came off. Luckily we were close to home so I could rush up and glue them back together. She had some fun at my expense.

I guess that pretty much gets us to the moment she met him. I told you this was going to be shorter… It actually has 46 “images”, not that many more than the first one which is covering only two weeks! Then again, this series of posts became more than I intended it to be, since a lot of the “images” written here (for example over a third of the previous post) are things I remembered while writing the “flashes”. They’re still not things I have to actually try to remember though.
I’m quite happy for doing this, though. There are far more things I remember than what I’m writing here, now that I’m going through it in my mind, and far more details I could say about each. I’m just posting the flashes (even if some of them happen while I’m thinking about the rest and not out of nowhere) and only the things that, to me, are directly related to our relationship (or the cats, I consider the cats as being part of what we had). For example anyone knowing the story might notice that there’s nothing here about the book club, and that was an important part of everything…

The problem is that memories are fewer and more faded as time goes on, and flashes even more so. The beginning and the end are very fresh in my mind and most flashes are either from one or the other. The more I advance into the relationship, the less I seem to remember. A good part of the time we spent living together is just a haze, until it becomes crystal clear once again towards the end. Pehaps it makes sense, for a lot of reasons, plus that it seems I’m forgetting the bad things more often than not, but how many good moments are slipping away as well? But I’ll just pick up from where I left off in my last post… Just the flashes, moments frozen in time, many of them likely in the wrong order… This is deeply personal, treat it as such.

Getting picked up from the train station, her mom’s (future) boyfriend driving and pointing out the best places to find prostitutes. Us struggling to keep our eyes and hands off each other while in the car.
Getting to her place. Her brother opening the door. Wondering what am I getting myself into.
In her room, seeing the cats, asking how can she tell them apart. Funny, considering that at some point I became able to figure out what each of them meant to express by their posture, facial expression or the tone of their “voice”. Then, later, saying “it’s so nice to have some little souls around you like this”.
The time I apparently punched her in my sleep when she was trying to wake me up. She locked herself in her brother’s room and for several hours I thought I was alone in the house, wondering where everyone was. Took quite a while to get her to let me in, then even longer to figure out why she was so upset.
Trying to make her let me send dad an e-mail to “cancel” the one I had sent before, after a fight. Actually, first trying to get into his account and delete it, but I didn’t manage that.
The time we had sex while she was upset with me and said we were just friends. Both of us close to orgasm and me asking if this is what friends usually do. Her saying yes while breathing heavily. Then looking at each other in a way that said more than words ever could.
Waking her up one night because her brother had apparently unplugged a cable, Internet access was down and I was too shy to go to him and say something.
Watching a porn movie she said she liked. She wouldn’t do anything during it so I just played with myself for all the two hours it lasted. Her asking how could I even keep it up for so long.
One time when she initially didn’t want to do anything since it was that time of the month, but then decided she wanted to “play” with me and said to tell her when I’m getting close so she’ll stop because she doesn’t want to go all the way. So I do, but she just gets more determined. I say “you should really stop now if you don’t want me to finish”, she doesn’t… Afterwards she just says “you could have made more effort to stop me” and laughs.
The time I “tormented” her for some two hours before finally getting her over the edge. She was wild that night, threatening to tear my clothes off (since I kept them on most of the time), trying to get me to get her off by force after a while… Never saw her like that again, though I always meant to do something like that for her one more time. Never got around to it and I really regret that.
All the scratches and bites I was getting from Bubu (the male cat), which surprised everyone since he was so nice all the time. But she was “his”, so I had to fight for my right for a while I guess.
How Bubu always got in between us when we went to bed. How he knew the moment we got in bed and rushed in even if he was in another room.
The face she made whenever I went to kiss her after doing oral to her.
Her saying “I make a lot of noise in my head” and me replying with “this might come as a surprise to you, but I’m not a telepath” whenever I complained that she was so quiet during sex and I had nothing to guide me.
Last night before coming back here. Candlelight sex. Tears. Regrets. Hopes.
Her coming here for my birthday. Giving me the first three Harry Potter books and the teddy bear in the evening, after keeping them hidden until then. My usual reaction to gifts, especially since I felt quite embarrassed for getting something like that… If I only knew then how that teddy bear would become my lifeline…
That night, her driving me crazy and pretty much paying me back for the two-hour “torment” I mentioned above. She never did something quite like that again either. It was quite a struggle before she allowed me to do something for her too… At some point she was riding me and said I should assume I hired her for the night, so to just tell her what I want and she’ll do it because that’s her job. That sort of spoiled it for me a little because that’s not how I wanted to see her, not even for a moment, but overall that night was the best present I ever got, though just the fact that she came to spend that day with me would have been enough in itself.
A moment, I don’t know if it was that same night or some other night when she was here and had me far too worked up, when she was trying to very gently put a condom on me so I could get inside of her and come like that. It didn’t work, I was too close and the touch brought me over the edge. The instant she realized I’m past the point of no return she switched from being very careful to touch me as little as possible to masturbating me vigorously. That loss of control was great, though afterwards I felt like shit and she had to struggle to calm me down.
While I’m at it, that look she used to give me when I was about to come after she was already satisfied and everything was well between us. It simply made all problems go away each and every time. Also, giving her orgasms, mainly when I could see her face right at that moment. Probably has a lot to do with how I see sex, as something far beyond the physical.
Lying in bed and her saying she did something really bad and doesn’t know if I’ll be able to forgive her. I ask what did she do, she asks what’s the worst thing she could do to me, I say “dump me”, she says “besides that”, I say “as long as we’re together, other things don’t really matter”. She lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment and then says she read all my passworded documents. I just hugged her and told her to just ask next time.
I was playing Arcanum while she was in bed. At some point she starts to giggle, I turn to look and realize she had just masturbated. I ask why did she do that and she said it seemed I was busy so she took care of herself. I asked if she considered telling me she was in the mood to see what I’d do before deciding I wouldn’t care and she said she just didn’t think it was the case.
Me sending her sex stories I was writing while we were apart again. The day she said she had eight orgasms while reading them, twice her previous “record”. Getting “rewarded” with one written by her involving two flies on the bathroom wall. Too funny to be annoyed.
The time she said she printed out one of my stories and went to read it while taking a bath, but just broke down and started crying and couldn’t stop for a long time. The long talk we had after that, the worries, the frustration that I couldn’t be there to hold her close until all the bad thoughts went away.
The night we tried cybering and after things got “serious” she let me type alone for about three minutes and then said “I’m done, what are you waiting for?”. My first thought was “that was fast”, followed by “I had both hands on the keyboard apparently helping you along, what do you think I’m waiting for?” and then hurrying to “catch up”.
The time she took that pill her stupid doctor gave her for the yeast infection, which didn’t get rid of the problem (made it immune to pretty much everything else) but had her spend the night sitting on the toilet and throwing up. Frustrating that I couldn’t be there with her once again.
Getting a message from her saying she has a really important talk with her family. Later explaining that they went through a lot of topics and she eventually told them what was really going on between us, which seemed to come as a complete shock to them.
Right before New Year’s, here. Her being surprised that the teddy bear looks “so clean”. I asked if she expected it to be all sticky and she said that’s sort of what she was thinking, since it was from her. It never even crossed my mind…
New Year’s. Her getting drunk even though she hardly drank anything and then spending about an hour and a half contradicting herself about a movie. Then she was getting rather bold on the living room couch the moment my parents were leaving the room, even if only for a few seconds.
Eventually we went to my room in the morning and tried to have sex. Didn’t quite work out right, she was still a bit drunk, I was tired… While I was trying to do her from behind she just said “maybe this is a sign we aren’t meant to be”. Not the best way to start the year…
At her place, the first time I went there after she had that talk with her family. Us being in the room, with the lights off and the TV on while her mom and brother were still awake. There was a horror movie on HBO. She put the blanket on the floor, saying “I bet they’re waiting for the slightest squeak to know what we’re doing now”. Having sex while commenting on the movie and talking about other random things.
At her place, during the finals, though I don’t remember if they were the winter or the summer ones. Looking through her Finance manual and asking if I can tear it apart and throw it away after a single page. Yes, it was that annoying!
Around the same time, her wanting to see if she could study while having sex since she didn’t seem to get anywhere otherwise anyway. Me going at it while she was trying to find positions in which she could read at the same time. She said it helped a bit, I was just amused.
She, her mom, her mom’s boyfriend, her brother and her brother’s girlfriend gathering in her brother’s room just to “socialize”. Me being invited insistently, finally trying to go, taking one look inside that room and running back to her room. Pulling the blanket over my head and not coming out for quite some time.
She was trying to study but was feeling naughty at the same time, so she decided to masturbate me through my pants, gently and stopping whenever it seemed I was really getting into it. At some point I forced myself to stop responding completely and she went at it until I came without her realizing it. She was a little pissed…
Her coming from the bathroom with a piece of bloody tissue in her hand (I mean bodily tissue, not the kind you wipe something with) and saying that’s what she has to put up with every month. No, I didn’t get sick.
Her talking with her mom and her mom’s boyfriend about buying sex toys. Me making my way to the living room to listen to the conversation and wonder at how close-minded that guy could be.
Her ordering one of them, being unhappy with it after getting it (box appeared to have been opened) and going to the shop right away to have it replaced. Then trying it out and being disappointed.
Winter. The day she came to me after lunch with her family at her grandparents and said her mom’s boyfriend made her mom want to kick me out and there’s nothing we can do.
Next morning, sneaking out with her and her brother to catch the morning train before her mom woke up, to avoid any scandals. Lots of tears and promises since she couldn’t come with me just then.
Her coming here as soon as she could. The talk she had with her grandmother on the phone, saying she won’t come back or even talk with her mom until I can go back there without any problems.
Fooling around one night. She didn’t want to do anything more so in the end she just masturbated me in a towel using just the tips of her fingers while we were sitting in bed, facing each other. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but my mind seems to think differently.
Sort of making out one evening, though nothing much was happening since she didn’t feel like it so we were talking more than anything else. Still, the window was wide open and the lights on. At some point she realized we might as well sell tickets, but didn’t seem as bothered as she would have been at any other time.
Easter, here. Parents away and she wanted to take a shower together. That turned into fooling around, she did oral and said she wants me to come on her tits, which I did. I think it’s the only time she actually asked for that, still don’t know what got into her.
Going on a walk together since she wanted to see the city. I certainly didn’t but just tagged along, as always. Becoming rather lost for a moment.
Discovering used book stores around here. Her getting really excited about it. Spending quite a lot of time in one of them and me pointing out some rather silly things.
Getting oral on the living room couch while we didn’t know when the creature was going to get back home. We were done in time, but just barely.
Me trying to persuade her to do it on my parents’ bed since it was bigger and nicer. We never did, mainly because she didn’t want to see herself in the mirror that’s in front of it.
The morning when she had to leave and then, out of nowhere, said we’re breaking up that very moment if I don’t come with her. I told dad that I’m going and need a ticket and was all packed up and ready to go in 20 minutes, crying my eyes out. Dad kept asking if I’m all right and if I really want to go. I was crying both because I was scared that we might actually break up and because I was happy that I could spend more time with her, but certainly not because I didn’t want to go.
Her also starting to play Arcanum and getting hooked on it. Eventually she got past the point where I was stuck, despite having a really poor party. I never managed to get past that point.
Me picking her up from the train station by myself, barely knowing how to get there and very uncertain I was going to be on time. I was, though.
Getting here after a show we wanted to watch had already started. Both of us piling up on an armchair in the kitchen and watching it while making out. That was an interesting piece of multitasking.
Her telling me to drop my pants so she could get busy the morning she had to leave, just minutes before the time she was supposed to leave to catch the train. Dad was already up and walking around, since he was going to drive. With my door not locking, it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he didn’t come in. She said I owe her one after I was done.
At her place. Her talking with the creature on the phone, apparently being told to make me go back to school by any means necessary if she really loves me. She replied “I do love your son, ma’am, and just because I love him I won’t do that. In the time we spent together I have come to realize that going back would destroy him and I don’t want that to happen. If you know him less after being with him since he was born than I do after one year, I feel sorry for you.” and ended the conversation.
Her not wanting me to sleep unless she did because she didn’t want to go to bed without me so she wanted me to be sleepy when she was. That caused a real problem when she stayed awake for some 40 hours once. At the end I could barely breathe anymore and she felt like going out. I just very quietly said “you will get in bed and go to sleep, now” and she did, thankfully.
Going to the pottery fair. Her getting stuff and telling me to pick something as well so it wouldn’t be just for herself. I didn’t want anything but in the end I picked something decorative. Treasured items now, of course.
The time she blindfolded me. Initially said she’d tie my hands too, but then changed her mind and only told me not to touch her and she just masturbated next to me. After a while we switched, but when she asked dubiously if I really wanted to blindfold her too I decided against it, just told her not to look while I “took care of her”.
Might have been the same day, just after that part, but I don’t know. I had just finished and she got on top of me right away, causing me to come again immediately. Only time that happened and I certainly wasn’t happy about it, but she was just laughing. I wanted to try a third time but she got bored of trying to get me up again after a few minutes.
Rushing with her to her grandparents’ place when she knew they were away for a short while, so I could take a shower since there was no hot water at her place those days.
Dad picking me up from there. She stayed with me in the car for a few minutes and when she said bye and got out I tried to reach for her hand and hold her back. I missed and wondered all the way back if dad realized what I meant to do. That was when I decided this can’t go on anymore and I need to move in with her.
Me taking her to the train station by myself, early in the morning, wondering how I was going to get back.
Apart again, discussing how I could move in with her there since it was unlikely that the creature would let me if she knew my plans. Her saying that from their talks she’s certain I won’t be allowed to go there again until after my birthday. Making plans to leave as soon as possible after that.
Getting there, knowing it’s for good while dad thought it was just another visit. Thinking things are finally working well for us…

I guess that’s another part of it, the time we spent actually living together will come later… Maybe…
It might seem that I’m focusing too much on sex, but I didn’t ask you. I’m just saying what I remember without really trying to, the flashes I get, nothing more, nothing less.