Cav's Place

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4
Mind:	2.9
Body:	6.3
Spirit:	5.8
Friends/Family:	1.8
Love:	0
Finance:	4.8
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Body and spirit should probably be reversed, but otherwise…

Five years ago right now, give or take a few minutes… Yes, I still remember every detail… Hope I’ll never forget anything related to her… Nothing left but memories and pain… At least the pain I feel when I think back is bittersweet, while the present is only bitter and the future looks even worse.
As I said, don’t mind me…

Just thought I’d post this, considering how much I stressed about it for all this time…

Actually managed to go and get my eyes checked, and properly this time. Scared out of my wits, of course, had a moment when I even forgot how to read, was seeing the letters but they were just random signs to me, but it’s over now, thankfully.
Also thankfully, nothing really bad is going on. There seems to be a small indentation in the retina of my right eye, probably that’s the spot I noticed first, some two years ago, and the place where now I’m quite obviously not seeing, but he said it’s not an injury or something degenerative, seems like that’s how that eye developed and it just became noticeable now because of the normal changes that the eyes go through around this age.
But seems like I need to wear glasses, the other problems most likely being caused, aside from the same normal changes, by too much eye strain. I really don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to at least consider it for a while. The thing is that I even have an objective reason not to want glasses, the skin problem I have on my head means the skin behind my ears will be rubbed raw if anything would press on it constantly.

It’s been exactly five years since we first met to go on that vacation together. What an insane plan that was, meeting after talking for two months and going somewhere together, when neither of us had ever been on a trip alone before and I certainly knew I couldn’t take care of myself in such a situation. Yet, those turned out to be the best days of my life, despite all the problems that arose.

Initially we meant to be just friends, but that idea only lasted until shortly before midnight. I was angry that my parents didn’t leave as they said they would and she found herself hugging me while trying to calm me down. That was strange, since she avoids physical contact unless she’s extremely close to the person, was telling me before we met that she might make me sleep on the floor in the hotel if she’ll feel as weird about sleeping in the same bed with somebody as she thought she was going to feel.
But stranger yet was that, during that hug, she pecked me four times around the lips. Always said she has no memory of doing that, but she did it. And that made something either click into place or snap apart in my mind and I found myself kissing her… Or trying to at least, since I had no idea what I was doing there.
So I stopped, pulled back, mumbled “sure shows that I don’t know what I’m doing” and then tried to think of a quick way out of that situation, because I was sure she was going to react badly. Only she didn’t… She stared at me without moving a muscle for about a minute, during which I think I forgot to breathe, then slowly said “then let me teach you”. And that’s how it all started…

I think of the more than three years that followed and can find only good thoughts. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have problems, I think we actually had big problems more often than not, whether they had to do directly with us or not, but I used to say that her being with me makes me much happier even when everything else goes wrong than I could ever be if everything else would be perfect but she wouldn’t be next to me. Always meant it. Still do.
I’m still not sure when exactly did we break up, as strange as that might sound. All I know is that my life ended right then and there and all that’s left is pain and sorrow. Being with her was the only thing I ever truly felt was worth living for. I mean, what else is there? Plans, dreams, ideas? Nothing but wisps of fog dissipating into the morning breeze. Besides, saving the world is so much less than just being with the one you truly love.
So, yes, it certainly was worth going through everything I went through before that moment, and even more so getting past all the problems that arose while we were together, and even all of what I’m going through now will certainly be worth it if I were to ever be with her again.
What’s not worth it is to keep going like this if that really will never happen, especially as things can only get worse (worried most about eyes right now, considering how the image I’m seeing keeps shattering into dozens of pieces and how it feels like my brain is putting together puzzle pieces so I’ll still be able to make out what’s in front of me, but nothing I can do about it and nobody’s willing to do what has to be done). But I already know I’m too much of a coward to do what needs to be done, plus that there’s still that tiny shred of hope that maybe one day it could still happen. Too little to keep me going, too much to be able to say there’s nothing left to lose…

Spent the day till now in bed with the teddy bear. Been months since I did that, more because of all the noise than because I didn’t feel the need to. But today the world seemed willing to just let me be.
Started raining last evening and only stopped in the morning. Lightning, thunder and wind as well. That was nice, I like rain, storms and cloudy days. Got in bed to rest my eyes after eating last night and fell right asleep. Must have something to do with how I haven’t been sleeping more than three hours straight or more than five per day for more than one day per week for a couple of months now because of all the people hammering and drilling all day long in this building.
There were fries in the fridge last night, so I ate that. Been over a year since I touched those things, but I just felt like something like that. For anybody who knows what I’m talking about, it feels quite ironic to write “fries”… (Also find myself wanting popcorn for a while now, but that’s not going to happen unless I say it, and I won’t.)

Today wasn’t too sunny either, and thankfully not hot at all so I didn’t need to drink anything. I know I’m not throwing up only because there’s nothing in my stomach. Right now clouds are covering the sky again, so I’m hoping for more rain.
All the hammering and drilling was also toned down. Don’t know how come, but I’m very thankful for it. Still didn’t sleep much, but at least I could just sit in bed without getting too angry and needing to come kill some things in a game…
But I had a nice dream during one of the naps that I managed to take. I’m sure you can figure out what it was about… The hardest parts are still realizing that those are the dreams, not this the nightmare.

Hope she’s really happy at least, so this won’t be all for nothing…
I’m going to go curl in a ball again and wait for the rain. My eyes need the rest anyway, I keep closing them for a moment after every few lines since I get this very distinct feeling that something is just moments away from tearing somewhere inside them.
I’m going to do something really stupid tonight… But what else is new?

The sad thing is that it didn’t seem to have the expected impact. There was significant media coverage during that day, certainly, but a few channels focused on it while most others only mentioned it after the supposedly more important local news, though how can anything local be more important than the whole world is beyond me. And if that’s how things were Saturday, the aftereffects are even less noticeable.
Another problem is that a good part of the existing coverage focused on the concerts and artists themselves instead of the cause. Pardon me if I’m wrong, but I thought the purpose was to get a message about protecting the environment across, not one about how many artists performed in how many places and in front of how many people! But, of course, the media focuses on what the people want to see, hear or read…

And that brings us to the next issue. I keep saying that those who are interested in these issues already know what they need to know and are already trying to do something about it, while those who aren’t interested now won’t become interested if somebody tells them once again that there is a problem. Those will probably only go straight from disbelief to despair when something will happen to make them realize the gravity of the situation, missing that crucial middle position where they’d actually do something about it.
My point is that such an event should be the end of any attempts to inform people on a large scale. If this didn’t do it, nothing will. As for those who haven’t heard about it, it’s unlikely that they’ll hear about any other national or international campaign either, so the only way to reach them would be to send people directly to those villages and small towns to spread this information person to person.

But what can the rest of us, those who already know what’s at stake, do? One idea would be that expressed in this month’s Romanian edition of the National Geographic Magazine by the editor-in-chief, Cristian Lascu, “Environmentalists and adepts of the so-called sustainable development encourage us to “think globally, act locally”. But all we can do right now is think, be informed, try to understand the complex relationships between phenomena, estimate the effects mankind’s actions have on the environment in our immediate vicinity, and only then will we be able to act.” But is there still time for such a careful approach?
I couldn’t answer that question with any degree of certainty, and I doubt anyone can, but anybody who is even somewhat aware of the state of things will be able to tell you that we shouldn’t wait to find out. We already have a lot to repair, so better prevent further damage even if we will eventually be able to repair all of it. You must always think before you act, but what’s stopping us on acting on one issue while thinking of another, taking one step while thinking of the next?

We must first make the average person want to do something for the environment. And most people think firstly of their pockets, then of their comfort level and the degree of social acceptance they enjoy.
Therefore, a first step would be to tax products according to their environmental impact (energy/fuel consumption, average lifespan, recyclability, biodegradability of what’s not recyclable, what resources and materials are used in manufacturing, etc.). The least harmful, and especially those that would somehow aid the environment, should be subsidized with the money earned from taxing the rest, so people will end up buying them more.
Next, we should encourage research towards finding ways to make environmentally friendly products create the same level of comfort as those that are not. It’s certainly possible, but such research projects require a lot of funding and large companies have no interest in financing them because they base their profits on the current state of affairs, so why would they want to change it?
As for social acceptance… I think events like Live Earth do all that can be done on that matter. Despite the fact that I’m bothered by the very concept of “cool”, I find it quite refreshing when it starts to be “cool” to be “green”.

“Ok,” you’ll say, “but all of that is for politicians, CEOs, managers, artists and other such people to decide, what does it have to do with me?”
The answer is: Everything! The more consumers will demand such products, the more companies will need to manufacture them and governments will need to support them. The more voters will demand such programs, the more politicians will need to focus on them and companies will need to finance them. And the more people will care for such causes, the more entertainers will add their voices to the calls.
True, initially it won’t be because most of them actually care, but just for creating a better image of themselves, but does that really matter? Does why it gets done matter as long as it does actually get done? I find it really refreshing to see that being “green” is slowly starting to be good PR, and even good business. This means that, sooner or later, people who actually care for the environment will make it through the ranks, because they will become really useful in gaining customers, votes or fans.

So how do you do that? Shop around and buy the most environmentally friendly products. Be as “green” as you can at home, at school/work and on the street. Sign petitions, take part in protests, write directly to people in positions of authority and encourage others to do the same. Demand better fuel efficiency standards, better public transportation, energy efficient lighting on streets and in public buildings, more parks, less deforestation, cleaner power plants, bigger penalties for anything from minor littering to large scale industrial pollution, subsidies for “green” businesses and environmentally conscious citizens, better access to recycling centers or, dare I say it, especially population control.
Pick any or all of those if you want, pick something else if it appeals to you more, just do something, anything! Because nothing’s more important than the whole world…