Cav's Place

To start with the early hours of January 17, I started eating dinner at 3:40 AM, after having lunch in the evening. Then, after having lunch in the afternoon, I left at 7:10 PM, first checking the Mega Image on the way to Penny and finding the zacusca I wanted there, then getting the frozen spinach and corn puffs I wanted from Penny and also two large beets, since dad said he wanted some large ones. The total was a bit higher than it should have been, however, and the cashier also rounded down the change, giving me 0.07 RON less, and I noticed the reason for that higher total after arranging the purchases in my bags, when I checked the receipt and saw that she had charged the beets as black radishes. It’s the second time the two are confused at that location, but if the first time, when the confusion went the other way around but also replacing the less expensive with the more expensive, I noticed after leaving and went back and the guard gave me the small difference from his pocket, now I just pointed it out to the cashier and when she asked whether there was a price difference I told her what it was over my shoulder as I left.
That made me want to find some coins, wanting to be fair and just put what I should have paid under “house” expenses, with the difference, including the change not received, filed under my expenses, and I deduct found coins from those. And I did find the needed amount, and actually a bit over, just after putting my things in a cabinet once I got to Kaufland and looked around a little. Then I checked prices there… And found better looking beets, including some large ones, for a price between what I should have paid and what I really paid at Penny, so I got two from there as well, added them to the cabinet, then went to Carrefour, just getting some bread for dad. Then I returned to Kaufland, added the bread in the cabinet and washed my hands, but if when I first got there I had noticed that bakery discounts had already applied but decided to pass by that area, wanting to see whether they’ll increase at 9:30 PM, by the time I got back no discounted products were left, the employee cleaning the area. So I just got a few other things, used the self-checkout without problems and was retrieving my things from the cabinet when the announcement that the store was closed came. Still took my time to arrange everything, however.
Got back at 10:35 PM, then had an orange and finished the cake dad had brought from his sister two days earlier. Started eating dinner at 3:30 AM and got in bed at 5:25 AM… And going to bed right after dinner has likely been damaging my liver and I was getting really worried about that, even making a mental note of some pain in that area after waking up that day, and since then I’ve been increasingly worried about retaining fluid in my abdomen. The possibility hadn’t even crossed my mind before going to Floreasca, and I didn’t really think about it even after a small amount was found then, but that guy who was the last to be brought in before I was released from Coltea really stuck in my mind and after the MRI confirmed that the liver is the source, I’ve been increasingly worried about it and the symptoms seem to indicate that it’s getting worse… And also that very small quantities had probably first appeared quite a long time ago, if I try to remember the first times when I noticed such signs, though back then I was at most amused, just thinking that my body was doing something funny, if I thought about it at all.

On January 19, after waking up to pee at 7:45 AM and 9 AM, I didn’t check the time when I woke up the third time, thinking it must be close to 1 PM, but I guess it wasn’t, because after I guess briefly drifting off to sleep again I did decide to check and saw that it was just after 12:30 PM, and at that point it indeed was too late, so I just crawled back in bed and maybe napped just a little bit more, then woke up again a few minutes before 1 PM, turned off the alarm and got up. Then I had the usual stuff plus almonds, with a slice of cozonac with added honey as the sweet thing, just wasted time on the toilet again, put on what I was wearing inside those days, the old running suit plus an old t-shirt, plus the gloves and that thing around my neck, and the jacket for the way, tied around my waist as I ran, also took a few things in the pocket of my pants, and left a bit after 3:40 PM, when the reported temperature was 4-5°C, supposed to drop by a couple of degrees by the time I’ll finish.
The time was 48:47.73, with sector times of 4:11.30, 5:14 (5:13.81), 5:58.75, 4:37 (4:36.81), 5:13 (5:12.38), 5:59.65, 4:31 (4:30.47), 5:18.07, 5:52.43 and 1:54.06, making for lap times of 15:23.86, 15:49 (15:48.84) and 15:41 (15:40.97). Feared I won’t even stay under 50 minutes when I started, but the first sector was better than expected, and without giving it everything, so I had hope for a better time. Sector two put me back in my place, however, and at the end of the lap I was thinking that, since I won’t maintain that pace, 50 minutes must remain my target. But lap two made me hope to stay under 49 minutes, and while I thought it was unlikely, I pushed and sector one of lap three was promising. Sector two put that target in doubt again, but I just gave everything I still had on sector three and was safe before the final sector. A poor time, but all I could manage without that huge dose of iron…
There were fenced off areas in parts of sectors two and three, including a part of the long sector two straight, plus two small patches on sector one. The problems caused by people were on sector two, including brief stops because of roadblocks on laps one, as I approached the bridge, and three, the dogs of two people getting interested in each other at the start of the long straight and one pulling his large one away and continuing to walk across the path with his eyes in his phone, getting right in front of me. And I also had to take to the grass on that part of the long sector two straight where there were fences, on laps two and three, just a step on two, more on three. Otherwise, the time just wasted on the toilet had some effects as I was pushing, from the start of lap three, but it wasn’t bad. And there were no other specific physical issues, other than the fact that I just couldn’t push harder. The right nostril was awfully irritated after the run though, staying so for days and forcing me to wear that other thing that’d go around my neck inside as well, so it’s a good thing I now have two, since I wouldn’t have wanted to use the one I wear outside in that manner.
Back to that day, I just checked that Carrefour after the run, then had lunch after getting back, before going out again a bit after 7:20 PM. Went to Obor, being surprised to see that the yogurt I wanted had a higher price at that Carrefour than at the one from the park, so I just got a few other things. Then I also went to that Kaufland, put my things in a cabinet, washed my hands, and as I was on my way from the bathroom to the store’s entrance I was approached by a girl saying she was doing a survey. She had assumed that I was coming from the checkouts, however, saying she needed the receipt, so she couldn’t continue, and by the time I was done, seconds before the announcement that the store had closed, she understandably wasn’t there anymore. Either way, I got a number of things, quite a few of them on discounts, had no problems with the self-checkout, and while the closing announcement came as I retrieved my things from the cabinet, I still took a bit of time to arrange the purchases in the backpack and bags, walking out at 10:05 PM. Then, just outside, I took some more time to arrange my clothes, and finally got back here at 10:55 PM. Then I had a sweet pastry and an apple, it was almost 12:10 AM when I went to the toilet and to take a bath, and was out of the bathroom at 1:15 AM. I still had plenty to do, however, so it was 3:50 AM when I started eating dinner and 5:25 AM when I got in bed.

After having requested it on The Community Giveaway on the GOG.com forums the previous evening, on January 21 I received Pillars of Eternity: Deadfire – Obsidian Edition, again donated by that same user who donates so much. Interestingly, it was also in January, but last year, when I received the first game from him as well.
With a backlog that, considering how few games I finish per year, is certain to last me well over a decade, it’s increasingly hard to justify even entering contests, much less asking for games directly like this. But others have even longer backlogs and I’d never purchase these games myself unless, on top of being DRM-free, they’d end up being really cheap and without regional prices that are higher than the base price, and those conditions are less and less likely to be met, and I’d rather not get back to “piracy” if such other options exist, so I still make use of the chances I get, even if I feel increasingly embarrassed because of it, because someday I would like to play these games… Assuming I’ll live long enough, which is getting less and less likely, but that’s an entirely different story. Something that I have to think about now, however, is what to do about backing everything up on the external HDD, because this last game was large enough that I again ran out of space, and while for the moment I found a solution, I don’t exactly like it and there are just a few GB left even so.

On January 22, I meant to leave around 7:30 PM, but had barely finished lunch at that point, so I was thinking to at least leave before 8 PM, and in the end only managed to do so at almost 8:10 PM, also taking the recyclables, a burned LED tube and light bulb, and the used masks. Dropped the recyclables in a bin, then first went to the Carrefour from the park, dropping the tube and bulb in the appropriate bin from that mall and then seeing that the cakes I could get from there had a low price for the boxes of two. So I got one of those, to cross getting something from the confectionery at Kaufland off the list, then added some yogurt, the old price still applying in that location, and a few other things.
Then I went to Kaufland, putting my things in a cabinet and the masks in the appropriate bin and at first just checking for cat litter. Since I again found none, I even asked an employee and he said that there’s a problem, it’s not delivered anymore, and since the QR code on the expiring bread I meant to grab for dad was partially torn and obviously couldn’t be scanned I just went back out without purchasing anything, dashing to that pet shop to make sure I’ll take care of the cat litter before anything else… Even if the price had just increased by over 20% the day before, at least according to what I had seen on their site. I guess that was why Kaufland no longer carried it, and I think that manufacturer was manufacturing their store brand here as well, which would explain why that’s also gone, but we needed some right away, so I grabbed a bag and then added it in the cabinet… At which point I noticed that it was a bit torn and a few grains were spilling out. Hadn’t noticed that in the store because an employee pulling a large pile of products was just getting to that area, so I reached around him and took one of the bags that were on top without looking more closely.
Either way, I then washed my hands and got back in Kaufland, finding that the bakery area was almost completely cleared and nothing I’d care for was among the few things that were left. But I did grab some carrots, potatoes and bananas that had evening discounts, then dashed to add something else for myself just as the announcement that the store would close in five minutes came, had no problems with the self-checkout even though the bag with the potatoes had torn and I had placed them in a sturdier one, which added a little to the weight, then retrieved the other things from the cabinet, took some time to arrange everything in the backpack and bags and got back at 10:40 PM, having carried 22.5 kg.
The plan was to wash the stove top if the water was hot, and while it wasn’t as hot as I’d have liked, I could work with it, so I told dad to remove it while I just had a banana and put a few things in their place and went to work at 11:20 PM… And it seems I’m learning how to do that a fair bit better, because when I called dad to take it back he surprised me by saying that it was only 12:30 AM! Either way, then I went to the toilet and showered, and I guess that the fact that the temperature of the water was dropping made me finish faster, being out at 1:20 AM. I still had things to put in their place and plenty to clean after dad had cooked, however, so while I did have one of the cakes while doing that, it was 2:45 AM when I really started making the salad and, while I might have managed to start eating dinner an hour later, I decided to first go to the balcony to check whether what dad had cooked had cooled, and while that wasn’t the case, passing through the living room meant that I saw that he had left some more things there that I also took and washed. So I took it easy, since it was already so late anyway, and ended up starting to eat dinner at 3:55 AM, finishing at 5:10 AM and getting in bed at 5:30 AM.

I think my feet, mainly the right one, were burning again the following day, maybe after having carried so much, but I only really noticed it on January 24, and while the feeling persisted during the following days as well, and reappeared later, I can still say that there has been a significant improvement from that point of view, as the burning no longer went up on my legs as well, and the feeling is less intense anyway… Or at least it was, because while it’s not back to how it was at the worst times, lately that’s been getting worse again as well. But I’m on January 24, and that was when I made another note of getting really worried about my liver and having fluid in my abdomen, being increasingly scared about this. So I decided to try to not eat so late at night anymore, making the salad in the evening, eating much of it with lunch and leaving the rest for the dinner which I finished by 2:35 AM.
I messed up with one of the cats’ plates that evening, however, since there are also two identical ones that we use, or at least that dad uses, since I try to keep them in the cupboard. I clearly recall that at some point, no idea when, I had finished washing everything that was in the sink, then took that plate and ended up leaving it there. Couldn’t recall even then whether I had meant to do something else before washing it or I got distracted by something, and had absolutely no memory of what I did later, but I placed one such plate on my bowl when I microwaved lunch and that was still in my room when I went to make dinner and found the other among the clean ones, set to dry, having no idea when I washed it and put it there. It did seem like that one was less shiny and was still a bit dirty on the bottom, so I think that was the cats’… And also hope it was, since otherwise it means that the cats’ plate ended up on my food, and then also on this cloth I use when I eat on my desk, and also on my towel, but I’m not really sure.
And I guess that was the final straw at that moment. I was trying to push through until the run planned for January 26, but that just made me crack and I almost ran to wake dad up and cry. Just barely managed to sort of control myself that night, but when I got up the next day and went to the kitchen and dad came with Micky and closed the door to keep Liza out, making me feel trapped there with him, I really cracked and had to run. I did return to the kitchen for a bit while he was in the living room, but then spent most of the day in bed, and when I went back there in the evening to wash what he had left, I froze when he first came to bring something else, and when he came again I again had to run and get back in bed for a while. And that also meant only having lunch after he left in the evening and dinner later than I meant to, though I at least finished at 3:35 AM… And I’ve been managing to finish around that time most nights since then, with a couple of exceptions either way, continuing to make a note of those when I finished later.

And this is how far I got before dad got back this evening, so I scheduled it to be posted at 11:59 PM, in case I won’t be able to get back on-line by then. And then, since I cooked and again was at the very edge of a breakdown, I only managed to write a couple more paragraphs by midnight, so I finished it at night and just added everything else, and also edited an earlier paragraph and added a clarification, before going to bed in the morning.

A protest was taking place on January 26, against the hunting quotas for birds becoming daily instead of yearly and the minimum required training for hunters being reduced from one year to six months, but there was no way I could go when I was in that state. So I stuck to the plan to run that day, hoping the run will “reset” me at least to some extent, getting up when the alarm rang, at 1 PM, and just managing to check the forecast one more time before dad also got up. Then I had the usual stuff plus almonds, again getting back to the old usual stuff by having those wheat things as well, one with honey and another with jam, put on the old running suit, with an undershirt as well as a t-shirt under the shirt and a few things in a pocket, also took the gloves and that thing around my neck, pulled up on the way, and also wore the jacket on the way, tied around my waist as I ran. I left at 3:35 PM without checking the weather again, so I just have the forecast I saw after waking up to go on, which stated that the temperature was supposed to be 2-3°C at that hour, likely to drop to 1°C by the time I’ll finish, and it was also overcast.
I went for 16 km and the time was 1:21:22, with sector times of 4:16.92, 5:12.00, 6:02 (6:01.53), 4:34.50, 5:11 (5:10.81), 5:59.13, 4:40 (4:39.69), 6:41 (6:40.90), 6:10.00, 4:49 (4:48.78), 5:22.35, 6:15, 4:47, 5:21 and 6:03, making for lap times of 15:30.45, 15:44.44, 17:31 (17:30.59), 16:26 and 16:11. At first I memorized the exact times in case I’ll end up stopping after ten kilometers, but then ended up doing it all the way to one hour, when my stopwatch stopped showing them. Either way, at first I was aiming for 1:20 and not even hoping for anything better, but the first sector was slower than I thought and after the first lap I ended up thinking of 1:21. Dared to consider 1:20 again after lap two, but that huge loss of time on sector two of lap three made me wonder whether I even still had any chance to avoid being slower than two weeks earlier, when it had been so crowded. Since you can clearly see that on that sector alone I lost at least 1:20, and maybe up to 1:30, even if you can also say that I rested during that time, it’s likely that I’d have just managed to stay under 1:20 without that problem, especially since being so disheartened likely made me a little slower than I’d have otherwise been on the next sector as well. And maybe I could have also been a little less slow on lap four, since I just maintained what I knew to be a manageable pace, only really pushing again on lap five, when I realized I might just have a small chance to beat that previous time, which I eventually did.
There weren’t many people, so there was some weaving and going the long way around and I also took to the grass twice on the long sector two straight, the second time, on lap five, taking several steps and going around a garbage can, but there were no real roadblocks. There were fences on much of the route, however, starting from the turn before that last sector one straight that I don’t usually approach as such, though in that area there were just pieces of fence with some distance between them and the new surface didn’t seem fresh, so they were probably preparing to paint it and had placed the fences before placing ribbons between them and while I did my best to heed those fences, a few times, when people were blocking the way ahead, I did go around them and on the new surface. But after that area ribbons were also placed, so sector two was fenced off until close to the end of the long straight, where the fences finally stopped, which meant that I had to go the long way around quite a lot. As for physical issues, I did feel some warnings from my lower calves at the start of lap two and from my hips from the long straight of lap two, and that was despite being unable to use the new surface in that area, so I guess I can rule that out as the possible cause. But those warnings lessened later, the main problem remaining that I just couldn’t push harder.
But the major loss of time was, as I already stated, on sector two of lap three. Two people were ahead of me, one being a guy with a handicap that I keep seeing there, and while I usually try to give him space, since he walks with serious difficulty, he was on the side with the fences and I had to just squeeze past him… And I have no idea whether the shoelaces from my right shoe, so the one which had been towards him, had been undone already and I just noticed it right after passing them or he stepped on them, but I saw it just after I squeezed through… And they weren’t just undone, but also knotted and tangled up, so I lost a little over a minute because of that, 1:02 passing between the moment when I checked the time, after stopping and bending down, and that when I resumed running… And after a few steps I decided to stop again, to untie and retie the other shoelace as well, to make sure I won’t have another surprise, which likely cost me another 20 seconds or so, though I didn’t check the time again at that point. And, again as I already stated, being disheartened by that loss of time likely caused me to lose a little more later as well, plus that I was overheating a little when I stopped and being still and sweaty in the cold made me start to freeze, needing a little time to warm up again.
Moving on, after the run I went to Carrefour, jogging much of the way, grabbing a few things and also jogging almost all the way back. Then I had the remaining cake out of the two bought before washing the stove top and lunch, with an entire large bag of corn puffs instead of bread or some other bakery product, and it was almost 7:50 PM when I went back out, again to Obor, first checking that Carrefour as well and getting a few things, including an expiring cozonac that was just like the one I had bought from there a week earlier and just put in the freezer without touching, only 50% off…
Either way, I then went to Kaufland, put those purchases in a cabinet, washed my hands and headed straight to the bakery area, seeing that some of that bread was still there and discounted. So I went to take a paper bag and have a quick glance at what else was available, returned for it… Only to see that the employee had just cleared it away! And it was just a few minutes past 9 PM… So I just got one pastry, which was meant for my mother but which I ended up eating myself some days later because dad changed the plan and no longer went there those days, and two buns. Then I got the food for Liza, which had been my main reason to go there, after which I went back to the discounted bananas I had seen, ending up digging through the boxes and filling a bag when I saw that the discount had increased even more, the price going down to a mere 0.50 RON / kg.
Dad had sent me an SMS while I was getting the food for Liza, asking me to look for potting soil if I still could, but it was only after getting all those bananas and grabbing a few other discounted things that I did so… And couldn’t find it, so I meant to ask an employee, but on top of my state of mind making that even harder than normal, the two who were in that area were arguing, which made me hesitate even more. But I was running out of time, so I eventually did ask and was pointed to where it should have been and told that more should be on the other side, in the auto section. The only bag I found in its proper place was torn, however, and when I told the employee she just repeated that I should also look in the auto section, but despite looking quite thoroughly I found none there, and could see no reason why any should have been there in the first place.
Closing time was quickly approaching by then, but I still wanted to also get some more garlic, at a mere 1 RON / kg. I guess I shouldn’t have bought it at 6.50 RON / kg a week earlier, but that was already 50% off, they claimed that it was from Romania and it’s not like I could have known that they’d still have so much and drop the price to that level when I’ll get back there. Either way, two other men were digging through the crates and I checked the time when I joined them, seeing 9:56 PM, so we just dug through the top crate, finding enough that was quite good while one of the two was also offering advice on how to select and store it. I think they continued for a little longer, but when the announcement that the store had closed came, I said that we shouldn’t keep the employees waiting after us and went to the self-checkout. Scanning the 30 pieces of cat food one by one took a while, however, and an employee was next to me by the time I finished, but there were no problems with the machine and when I apologized for holding her up she told me not to worry about it, plus that I wasn’t the last customer anyway.
Then I retrieved the other purchases from the cabinet and quickly walked out, arranging everything in the bags and backpack outside and finally walking away at 10:20 PM. The problem was that one bag was tearing and I had to stop a few times to find ways to hold it, and I just managed to make it back before it completely fell apart, getting here at 11:10 PM, having carried 16 kg. Then I had a banana and, after putting most of the purchases away, it was almost 12:30 AM when I went to the toilet and to shower, getting back to the kitchen when it was almost 1:30 AM and starting to eat dinner at 3:20 AM. Of course, I was ever more worried about having fluid in my abdomen, but the run did “reset” me to some extent, so at least I wasn’t running and hiding anymore, though I was, and clearly still am, at the very limit.

On January 29, the noise dad made when he got up woke me at or just after 9:15 AM, and after I went to pee after he came out of the bathroom I couldn’t get back to sleep, eventually getting up again just before 11:15 AM. Then I got back in bed at 1:30 PM, maybe slept for an hour before waking up to pee again, and then I might have just napped a little more during the next hour and a half, eventually getting up again at 4:30 PM. And then, after having started it two days earlier, that evening I finished The Thief of Fate and wrote the quick review.

As for January 31, I got up when the alarm rang, at 10:30 AM, though I was awake for a few minutes at that point, and then left a bit after 12:15 PM, to withdraw the money for the state bonds purchased a year ago… Only to be rather lost in my own mind and end up going the wrong way. Returning to the known route would have just meant losing a few minutes, but I thought it should be simple enough to get there from where I was… And yet somehow missed the street, thinking I hadn’t yet reached it, so I kept going in the wrong direction for quite a long time, a funny thing being that I was asked for directions during that time, and it’s not the first time that happens when I’m lost. Either way, I eventually realized I was far off and found my way back to the street I should have been on in the first place. I didn’t know just where I was on it, however, so I kept going in the wrong direction a little longer before finally realizing that I was way past where I should have been and making my way back, a trip which should have taken less than half an hour ending up taking exactly one hour. But at least that meant I passed by a recycling center I wanted to check again for a long time and saw that they offered a little more for paper, which was useful earlier this week.
Either way, things were simple enough once I got to the Sector 3 Treasury. The guards just asked whether I had a certificate when I was looking around, since the door to the stairs was closed and I was uncertain I could go up, and when I showed it one just glanced from a distance and told me to go up. And there was no line and the amount was what I had calculated, so after they confirmed that I went back down, was soon called and received the money. Then, after making a little detour to see just where I had missed that turn, I was back here a little before 2 PM.
Before going out again I cleaned the space inside my desk meant for the UPS, and also behind the desk in that area, since cables were not in the way, in order to finally be able to move the UPS back, and while I was at it I also quickly vacuumed some parts of the room. Only actually moved the UPS two days later, however… And while I’ve been keeping a rag and the furniture spray here since then, right next to my chair, meaning to continue what I started then and clean my room a little, I’m yet to do so even now.
Back to that day, since dad had cleaned the litter box once and thrown away a lot, we needed cat litter again, so I went back out at 4:30 PM and rushed to that pet shop… Or more exactly to that area, since I first checked that Kaufland again, just in case it had reappeared there. But it hadn’t, so I just looked through the pile of expiring bread and bought two for dad before going to the pet shop… And finding none of that kind there either, only the more expensive types still being available, and when I asked an employee he confirmed that they no longer had any. That left me wondering what to do and I started jogging, then thought to go to Auchan and jogged that way for a little while, but then changed my mind and went back towards the Carrefour from the park, as originally planned, still jogging. However, when I reached the intersection I remembered that there’s a pet shop in that farmers’ market as well, so I crossed the road and went there, finding that I did so just in time, since it was closing in ten minutes. And while it had none of that cheaper cat litter, what it did have was cheaper than it’d have been in Carrefour, and also a little cheaper than the cheapest one left in that pet shop, and it was supposedly scented as well, so I bought a bag.
With that problem finally taken care of, albeit for a higher price, I went to Carrefour, asking the guard to put a sticker on the cat litter. He told me to put it in a cabinet, however, so I asked whether he’ll watch to make sure that nobody else will take it, since I had no coin and would therefore be unable to lock the door, and he just dismissively said that nobody’ll take anything. So I put the bread there as well, got almost everything I had planned to get, minus one bag of bagels for my mother, since that cat litter had cost more and I had given dad everything I had minus what I thought I was going to need, then retrieved my things from the cabinet, put the cat litter in the backpack and rushed away.
Well, I was carrying 17 kg, so jogging was out of the question and even rushing might be a somewhat relative term, but I nevertheless managed to get back right at 6 PM, as planned. Then I just had grated apples with sugar and showered, and in the evening I decided to do the day’s squats in the living room, next to dad, since I was watching the end of a match, which also meant that I could time them and the time was an amazing 1:58! Either way, I then made mamaliga… And was reminded that I really need a new and good whisk, since what definitely looks like rust keeps reappearing on this one right away and it visibly leaks into the water if it’s left there even for a few minutes.
Otherwise, my feet were burning and freezing and numb, but I was still far more worried about my abdomen, with the dull pain and the feeling of pressure, or of something possibly swollen, in the lower, or perhaps middle, right side, which I had been noticing for a while, returning. It seemed too low to be caused by the gall bladder, and clearly too high to be the appendix, so on top of the continued concerns about fluid, I was wondering about some possible hernia as well. However, it might have also been, at least in part, a case of pain radiating from my upper thigh, since I later realized that a muscle or tendon from that area was hurting quite badly, and that particular abdominal issue subsided when that got better. But the overall situation hasn’t gotten better, in fact quite the contrary…