Cav's Place

Glancing through a post which I wrote nearly four years ago and still ask anyone new to read when they seem to start giving me that particular talk, reading the full lyrics of My Dying Bride‘s The Light at the End of the World and listening to Edenbridge‘s Forever Shine On… And I guess even this combination will lose its effect now that it worked, just like everything else that helped me cry before did.
The last time I wrote that I could really cry was close to three years ago and I really don’t recall managing it since. It was on the same song back then as well, but it alone wasn’t enough to have the same effect again afterwards, though the chorus may still get my eyes a little moist if I really let it take me away. Now reading those lyrics does always get a few tears in my eyes when I reach the end, perhaps particularly because I don’t exactly do that unless I go to that post, which usually happens when I want to ask someone to read it for the reason I mentioned above, so there’s a very clear connection and it also happens rarely, but it also hasn’t been enough on its own, or even combined with the post, to make me really cry. Yet happening to have it all combine like this, with me reaching the end of the lyrics just on the final chorus of the song, seemed to have been enough, so I put the song on repeat and read the lyrics a few more times, eventually managing to cry for perhaps some 15 minutes and very briefly burst into tears a couple more times after that as well.
It’s not that it really does any good, but not even having the possibility of this release because I basically can’t cry when I’m alone is just terrible. I feel the need to and it simply isn’t happening for years, as you can see…

Accidentally pressed the enter key while writing this entry’s title and noticed that it saved it as a draft. At least it’s a good thing it didn’t try to publish it right away. Then again, this also allowed me to see that the bug that made it no longer automatically save every minute in previous versions once you had manually saved the draft in that particular editing session is now gone, so that’s good. Now if they could also make it delete the database entries used for drafts after you publish a post, so the next one’s number would come right after it instead of skipping, it’d be even better. Granted that it’s a minor issue, but it’s annoying.

As the title suggests, I’m writing this because I’m wondering whether I should stop struggling to just write something in order to have two posts per week and just drop to a single one or not. Don’t intend to do it just yet, in fact likely won’t do it until the end of the year even if I will decide that it’s the better option, but I’m wondering about it. I’ve been wondering about it since last year, actually, since I’ve really been struggling for a long time, which you should be able to notice by counting how many times the second post of the week was on Sunday…
Really don’t want to do this because this blog was started just so I’d get some practice at putting my thoughts into a human-readable form, plus that it’d mean failing at something I freely chose to do and that doesn’t depend on anyone else but me. But it never got any easier, in fact quite the opposite, both the amount and the general quality of my posts dropping constantly over the years, for a long time now being very hard to write anything at all. So I have already failed at it whether I’ll fully admit it by giving up on the two posts per week goal as well or not, meaning that other things need to be considered.
If I’d cut down from two posts per week to a single one, it would then be all too easy to stop writing completely. After all, most of the time I’m only writing here because I need to stick to the plan, otherwise my natural tendency being to just think about things in ways that I find extremely difficult to explain to others, at most launching into some lengthy rants when someone I already know happens to appear momentarily available for something like this. So deciding that this plan can be set aside would mean that any new one could be set aside as well and I could end up just writing on the rare occasions when I really feed a need to do so and think I could actually manage to do so reasonably well… Or just when I’ll no longer be able to hold back another personal rant along the same lines as most others…

The thing is that I am writing. I’ve been writing every day for over a year now, ever since my mind really pestered me with something so much that it became all too obvious that it’d be less difficult to try to start writing it than not to, even though we’re just talking about the marginally lesser evil. It’s going extremely slowly though, the weekly word count often barely matching that of one good blog post, and not a particularly long one at that. At this rate, it’ll take me several decades to finish it even if nothing else gets added along the way, so something really needs to change.
On the one hand, if I stop writing on here I could at least dedicate the one day per week that I currently spend struggling to write a serious non-personal post, since I very often tend to have one personal and one non-personal one, to making some more headway there instead. On the other, it won’t get any easier to write. If I stop writing on the blog because it’s too hard to keep up, I’m not exactly likely to feel any better about putting that time into writing that other thing, resulting in me likely dreading it even more, which certainly won’t help. So this is yet another reason why I should perhaps continue to struggle with two blog posts per week, even though the original plan has obviously been a failure for a long time now.

But the real problem has all too little to do with writing. Sure, I don’t have the required talent for it and nothing will ever change that, but my thoughts and ideas do get more polished with time and the practice gained from writing in some sustained manner all this time should have some positive effect, even if only a minor one. So it’s only getting worse for other reasons, which should be pretty obvious. You can’t write any better when you’re feeling worse and more and more hopeless all the time, especially not when you’re struggling to write about something other than the reason for said state of mind.
It’s been close to six fucking years! And I’ve only been feeling worse and worse as time passed, so I’ll say it’s quite an achievement that I can still put two words together under these circumstances, particularly two words that don’t concern her in some way or another! But the funny thing is that I still have idiots who give me the whole “you’ll get over her” rant, or at least say that I should… You’d think they’d have gotten the message by now, but guess not…
I said nothing has any chance of working, or actually that I have no chance of functioning again in any noticeable way, until I’d spend at least a week in bed with her, only getting up to quickly grab something to eat or go to the toilet when needed. Got all of two hugs since she left, so really need to catch up on affectionate touching in a very “intensive” manner. And yes, of course that’d include catching up on sex as well. My sexual thoughts and fantasies have been getting out of hand in a pretty worrying manner lately, to tell you the truth, but any “catching up” would need to be done in such a manner as to be especially meaningful after all this time, hence the week in bed with her and all it entails. (Yes, physical touch is very clearly my love language, so go figure.)
While I’m at needs that will never be met, of course I’d really need to have a solid relationship that’d go really well while at the same time keeping in close and personal contact with her. Since I strongly support polyamory, I guess that relationship wouldn’t necessarily have to be with her, as long as I’d at least have some sort of relationship with her at the same time. At a minimum, the relationship with her could be on-line, usually having deep discussions as close friends, detailing what we do with our respective primary partners and occasionally having a little bit of on-line fun, but also spending at least a few weeks per year together, during which we’d intensively catch up on the physical part of the relationship, and having the on-line conversations focus more on the two of us at least a little while before and after the time spent together. But something would need to happen with her and I’d need serious assurances that it will truly last this time before I’ll even think of anything else… Which obviously implies that I’m highly unlikely to think of anything else either way, since that seems even less likely to happen with her in my life, regardless of any understanding we’d have, than it does without her…
With none of that happening, I’m stuck getting worse and worse all the time and really surprised that I can still put two words together or get out of bed for any reason other than really needing to go to the bathroom. But then I realize that doing that the way I do is a sign of weakness as well and it starts making some weird sense… So I’m just left with plans and fantasies about having this need fulfilled and feeling at least content enough with the fact that I’m still alive to find any motivation to struggle to write what I’m really getting to want to write more and more and also, if at all possible, look for a way to meaningfully fight for the top causes I support, never being in the spotlight or obtaining direct personal benefits, but simply knowing that I managed to do something truly worth doing. In fact, the writing and the fighting could work quite well together, but neither will be happening without her and the relationship, so they all are and will always remain just pointless figments of my imagination…

Oh, I almost forgot: Hi again, little stalker. How’s life treating you lately? I swear, at times like these you seem to have even less of one than I do, which is quite an achievement… A very sad one, that is. But at least I gave you something to work with in this post, didn’t I?

Unless you’ve been in a coma since Friday, I really shouldn’t have to tell you what happened. There’s so much information about it everywhere that I wouldn’t even know what to link to first if I were so inclined. There’s always Wikipedia for a starting point, of course, but if you’re missing any details I’d strongly advise you to go to whatever source you deem most trustworthy and look for them there. Then again, if you haven’t bothered to do that already you probably shouldn’t bother reading this post either, so move along now…
If you read the above, are still here and not just because you plan to troll, I should also mention that I won’t be writing about the actual events, but comment on the lessons I believe should be learned from them and the fact that people obviously refuse to do so, in fact most often going exactly in the opposite direction. Seeing as you are also a person, you most likely won’t agree with me, but that never stopped me before, did it? It’s not like I’ll be saying anything I haven’t said before whenever such issues came up, though I don’t think I ever put all of these ideas together in a single post before.

I’ll start with how effective such actions are, seeing as people react to them so strongly. They may or may not gather public and even official support for the terrorist’s cause, but they at least make the existing support more visible. People react to fear after all, so they will tend to do things that are likely to reduce the perceived risks, such as giving in to the attacker’s demands so there will be no more attacks for the same reason in the future, even if this reaction will only be subconscious.
Yet that’s not necessarily how such attacks are most effective. They usually cause a significant amount of backlash as well, which largely counters the initial fear-based reaction on the issue at hand. Sometimes the backlash is even stronger, especially when the target of the attack was poorly chosen and generates a large amount of sympathy, potentially resulting in a net change that will actually go against the attacker’s wishes. However, any and all such attacks play right into the hands of those who are enemies of freedom and diversity in general, desiring more and more power for themselves. They’re experts at using such events to push forward new measures ostensibly meant to improve security, but which in fact reduce the rights and freedoms of innocents, and often even directly harm them, far more. These individuals always make the most of such chances, so you’ll see all of this happening now as well and this is the thing we’ll need to stand united against.

Secondly, it’s obvious that this form of multiculturalism doesn’t work within the current framework. Some people will simply refuse to accept others no matter what anyone says or does, which generates tensions. These tensions may ultimately lead to acts such as these, but in fact this is less significant than the constant stress and harassment, whether real or perceived, caused by this situation. It doesn’t help anyone and the sooner we move past it and start doing what needs to be done, the better. While some will still refuse even that, many people will find it much easier to work together if they won’t have to live together as well anymore.
What am I saying? The same thing I’ve been saying for many years: Simply being born within some lines on a map doesn’t mean anything, what defines you as potentially part of a group being your ideals and beliefs. As such, countries should be defined by laws and people should be free to relocate to the one that best suits them from that point of view, each country being allowed to very strictly enforce its laws upon its adult citizens. Some will be founded by people who promote tolerance and diversity and draw individuals with a similar mindset from many current nations and cultures, others will reject certain beliefs and behaviors and accept all except those who exhibit them, while yet others will be very strict, only accepting a very narrow set. As such, any person who freely chooses to move to or, upon reaching adulthood, stay in a country will know exactly what is expected of them and also that they won’t be bothered by people who are different from them in deeply troubling ways, whether that means people who would ask for tolerance or those who’d promote intolerance.
Ideally, the current countries would simply vanish and new ones would be created according to these rules, but that’s a project for the distant future, so for now we could start creating largely autonomous regions within existing countries, particularly in the larger ones, for each significant group known to have problems with another, while also developing the means to allow people to continue working together despite no longer living together. And there’s also the issue of children to consider, as they shouldn’t be treated the same as adults and a certain part of their education will also have to be unified, to ensure that all know their options upon reaching adulthood. But this is a long and complicated discussion that is a key part of my “ideal world” plans, so there is another time and place for it.

The next issue is less major than the first two, but also important and in fact very much connected to the first one listed. I’m talking about gun control, which is once again brought into focus whenever something like this happens. Those who have every interest to keep all control and those who are too frightened to think straight about this issue use such events to push for tighter regulations, limiting the right to own weapons more and more and potentially even pushing for a complete ban on firearms for civilians.
The bad guys will always find a way to cause damage, period. They’re likely to find ways to obtain weapons illegally if it can’t be done legally, or if not they’ll find a way to make bombs, which will cause even more death and destruction than a gun could. For example, if Breivik wouldn’t have been able to find weapons I’m quite sure he eventually would have put even more effort into his bombs, making sure they’d all detonate instead of just one and placing them in several places instead of leaving a large part of his explosives behind when he went on the shooting spree. And don’t tell me that those substances need to be more tightly controlled as well, because that’s yet another way of making life harder for innocents.
The thing is that guns allow people to defend themselves. When I hear of such a shooting spree, I’m not wondering how did that one person get a gun, but instead why didn’t anyone else nearby have one as well. Sure, create some checks to keep the truly unbalanced individuals from legally obtaining weapons, but allow the rest the chance to defend themselves and those around them. After all, even if a few would be unfortunate enough to be caught in the crossfire, there would still be far fewer victims, as the gunman would be quickly shot down or at least forced to retreat and no longer in a position to continue the rampage.

Next is the greater issue of free speech and openness, which also connects with what I said above about such events playing right into the hands of those who want to reduce freedom. Not even counting the fact that some proceedings have been hidden, what’s truly important to note is that people fear speech and try to stifle that which bothers them. Whether we’re talking about a government, whether openly authoritarian or not, trying to silence criticism and calls for reform or about a society as a whole trying to stop hate speech, it’s the same thing. When some move from words to actions, it’s another matter, but all speech should be free, regardless of what’s being said, at least until what I said above about new countries or regions will become reality.
This is particularly relevant when it comes to such events because we see what happens when certain groups or individuals are driven underground because their opinions aren’t acceptable in the open. They get angrier and more determined while the rest of society tends to forget about them, or at least assume that they’re no longer a real threat, and then when they do strike it’s completely unexpected and the effects are even worse. If, on the other hand, a constant dialogue between all sides would be not only accepted but strongly encouraged, no matter how extreme some views would be, things would be very different. A person is less likely to kill you while you’re communicating and offering them a platform to present their side of the story.
I say again: As long as countries remain as they are today, all speech should be free, rejecting one view, no matter how disturbing, being no different from rejecting another. Once someone moves from speech to action, things change, but words, even the worst extremists’ words, need not be feared. What needs to be feared is silence, because most harmful plans are carried out after those behind them, whether terrorists or governments, stop openly stating their views and intentions and start hiding. Besides, who knows, such dialogue may even create some solutions, even if some that people aren’t currently willing to consider.

Last but definitely not least, we’ve been reminded that such attacks can never be fully prevented, that risks can never be completely eliminated. And they shouldn’t be. I recall an article I read some years ago that said that in Nature the alert level is always at least orange and that if our bodies would try to eliminate risks as much as our society does we’d stop breathing and die. Instead, our bodies accept everything that comes their way, but they have senses to provide some warning of imminent danger, an immune system to repel threats that made their way inside, a capacity for healing to fix the damage caused and even the ability to still function to some extent even with significant damage. So our society should work in a pretty similar manner when it comes to terrorist attacks, preventing only what it can without risking to negatively affect the lives of innocents, efficiently fighting against active and proven threats once they reveal themselves, quickly fixing any damage caused and being set up so it can continue to function despite said damage.
This is yet another thing that ties in to how such attacks play into the hands of those who desire more control, as we keep seeing for the past decade. There is a point past which any added security becomes too restrictive or simply too troublesome to be justified for all and we’re already way past that point when it comes to terrorism in Europe and North America. Anything beyond that point should be optional, only for those who specifically state that they’re willing to give up rights and freedoms for some added security. Otherwise, people should be given the chance to properly defend themselves and should learn that some risks can’t be eliminated.
Besides, the risk of being injured or killed in a terrorist attack is already extremely small in the developed countries, putting even more resources into reducing it further no longer being justified even if we ignore the negative effects this has on individual rights and freedoms. Far, far more people are injured or killed in accidents, whether on the street, at work or at home, and many more others suffer or die as a result of diseases that could be prevented or cured. Just think of all the suffering, whether physical or mental, caused by the by-products of our very society, whether we’re talking about pollution or stress…

As I said in the title, these are things we have once again been reminded of, but we’ll never learn. Or maybe someday we will, but I personally don’t have much hope for the current version of human. If we were going to see how things truly stand and approach matters rationally, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Since anything I could say would be extremely inadequate and either way there would be all too much to say but all too little point in saying any of it right now, not to mention that discussing just one issue, or even just one event, would be terribly unfair towards the others, this seems to be the most appropriate thing to do under the circumstances, and you even get to pick the reason why you’re observing it. I can think of at least six different ones right now, considering what’s been going on in the world just during the past two days… May all of them rest in peace and may we learn the correct lessons so all their deaths would at least have a purpose.

In 1957 we were capable of putting the first artificial satellite in Earth orbit. In 1959 we managed the first lunar flyby and the first lunar landing, though it was not a soft landing. Then came 1961 and the first manned spaceflight. 1965 brought the first EVA. In 1966 we achieved the first soft landing on any body other than Earth and managed to put the first artificial satellite in orbit around any body other than Earth, the obvious target of both being the Moon. Then came 1968 and the first manned spaceflight to leave low Earth orbit, reach another body and achieve orbit around it, the target obviously also being the Moon.
Then, on July 20, 1969, at 8:17 PM GMT, the first humans landed on the Moon (yes, really). Now, 42 years, 13 hours and 40 minutes later, on July 21, 2011, at 9:57 AM GMT, the Space Shuttle program ended with a successful landing, leaving a huge void in its wake. And I’m not really sure what else is there to say, because nobody’ll make you understand what this all means and why’s it so wrong if you don’t already, though I stumbled upon one article that certainly gave it a good try…

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the Space Shuttle shouldn’t have been retired. It’s been slightly over 30 years since the first launch, after all, so the design itself was badly outdated, especially for such terribly demanding applications. But the problem is that it’s not being replaced with anything, or certainly with nothing worth mentioning. The problem is that, for three decades, mankind had this vehicle capable of repeatedly carrying humans and large amounts of equipment and supplies into space and then returning them safely to the ground in a completely controlled manner and now we no longer have anything like it.
Yes, all the milestones I pointed out in the first part of this post were achieved before the age of the Space Shuttle, but that hardly means such a vehicle isn’t necessary for proper space exploration or that we’re not going backwards. You can start doing new things without reusable tools, in fact that’s often the case, but it’s very difficult, not to mention terribly wasteful, to keep doing them for long like this. A vehicle like the Space Shuttle may not be required to do something the first time, but it’s definitely required in order to turn the milestones and achievements into the sustainable routine required for proper exploration and development.
How far do you think we’ll get now that we’re back to splashing down somewhere and struggling to retrieve the crew after each manned mission? Or how far do you think we’ll get now that we’re back to separating the crew and the equipment to be used or deployed, assuming a mission requires both, into different modules? Basically, what chances do we have to go forward now that we went back three decades?

Not that any future plans could change the fact that we currently no longer have any such vehicle in any way, but whenever you hear about plans for any vehicle similar to the Shuttle you should also keep in mind that all such programs have so far been canceled, no other similar vehicles ever operating. That should put any current promises into the proper perspective as well, particularly when the current political, social and economic climate is perhaps more hostile than ever to research in general and space exploration in particular, don’t you think?
But what’s worse than canceled programs is this utterly idiotic idea of relying on the private sector for the future of space research and exploration. You only need to look at the medical sector to see what putting research into the hands of the private sector does! A private company, by definition, is only looking for profit and for what material benefits it can obtain as a result of any action, so it certainly can’t be trusted with taking the burden of such missions in any way, shape or form, because the purpose of space exploration, and perhaps the primary purpose of research in general, should be simply to gather knowledge.
As the author of that article I linked to in the first part of this post put it, “once you lose the desire to visit space simply because it is interesting and start going there because maybe, this time, we will come up with another useful silly putty, you lose the point”. Unfortunately, we have lost the point long ago, but there could perhaps be some slight chance of finding it again if we’d ensure the really dedicated scientists’ independence and offer them what they need to do what they do best. If, on the other hand, we add the private sector’s pressure on top of the political pressure that has always existed in this field, we’ll do nothing but take away any remaining chance of that ever happening.
Leave the private sector to deploy and maintain commercial satellites and perhaps, under very strict regulations and only if significant taxes will be applied and then used to fund space research and exploration efforts, also handle space tourism, but that’s where it ends. Or, all right, private companies could perhaps also be contracted to gather space junk, which is certainly something that needs to be done as soon as possible, and perhaps at the very most handle some minor maintenance work, but only if they agree to very quickly fix any damage caused and also pay enormous penalties in case they make the slightest mistake. The rest, as in the actual research and exploration, absolutely must be left to those who aren’t interested in what can be done or gathered, but only in what can be found, what can be learned.

The Space Shuttle was most likely mankind’s greatest technological achievement when the program started and there are likely few that could dare challenge it for that “title” even now. Sadly, after more than 30 years we’re not only unable to improve upon that design, but we’re not even capable to putting something even remotely similar in its place! What’s going on now dishonors us all, as do the current plans for the future. As a human, I’m shamed to no end.