Cav's Place

If in 2006 I said nothing and in 2007 I only said that I had nothing to say, in 2008 I was saying that, in case I’ll live that long, the three years that had passed at that point were likely to turn into six, or nine, or 30. Well, into six they just turned, and everything I said then still holds just as true… With the possible exception of no longer being able to get those passwords right on the first try, but I probably won’t try, or at least not tonight.
More recently, in 2009, I was mentioning things that I thought would have interested her, whether then or back when we were together. All of that still holds true as well, especially since I just visited a couple of such fairs recently, though I skipped the bread one, which just ended on Sunday. And gaming could also always be a topic, despite me playing so little this year and our tastes apparently having very little in common, at least based on what I can see she’s been playing.
As for last year, I was really down and not even looking for fond memories or bittersweet mental links. However, as you can see from the above paragraphs, I wouldn’t quite say that I’m still in that same place. Despite the lack of any reaction so far, the recent events have at least taken me back into a land of memories and dreams, though there’s still no reason for it to also be a land of hope in any way…

I can’t know what will happen next. Maybe it’ll be like I said in 2008, the six years turning into seven, eight, nine… Or maybe, just maybe, someday something will actually change for the better. This is the hope, no matter how fake, that I must keep holding on to. The only other suitable option, as I keep saying, was the one I was too much of a coward to make use of during that first year, when it would have made sense to do it.

Yes, the title is a reference to a series of posts that I’d rather not link to right now, but it’s also very true. In about a day and a half, it’ll be six years since she left… But that is something to write about in the next post, not in this one. This one was supposed to be another non-personal one, seeing as I had most of the week to get around to writing a second one of those and make up for the increased number of personal ones recently. Yet, as you can see, that didn’t work out as planned. Not that it was unexpected…
A few more things related to her showing up again on Yahoo! Messenger have happened this week, so that’s what this post will be about. So far the most important developments have been last night, though there may well be even more important ones waiting for me right now if I’d just have the courage to check. But I don’t and won’t even try right now. I’d rather first write this, to make sure I have two posts up this week, then watch the race, assuming my ISP will stop having issues, and then see when will I manage to work up the courage to have another look.

The first thing that happened was that, as of this week, I started being able to actually see her on. In Messenger, I mean, not just on that page I made, so I just about shat myself even more. Whether it’s because she had it set to always be invisible to me and deleted me from her friends list, therefore also deleting the stealth settings associated with my account, or actually had me on ignore so far and took me off that list, possibly because she cleared all of it, I don’t know, but these seem to be the realistic options. Either that or a bug, but that seems highly unlikely at this point.
Of course, I couldn’t help but send a very short and surprised message at first. No reply to that and the next day I was too scared to even log on again. But the day after that, which was two days ago, I had to log on to contact some people from an on-line shop, who didn’t seem to bother to reply to my questions otherwise. While finally sorting out that issue, I obviously kept staring at her name in my list and the fact that it said she was on-line, so I just had to try again, quite directly asking her if she wouldn’t mind at least saying hi back… Still nothing, so I guess she would.
Next came a worrying development, in the form of her no longer showing up on Windows Live Messenger, where I had started logging on again after seeing her on Yahoo! Messenger. After all, I hadn’t logged on there in all these years because I knew that if I’d see her on I wouldn’t be able to sit on my fingers and all of this would happen, but now that I saw her anyway I thought I might as well, to no longer lose messages while trying to talk to Tiel. Yet, as I said, yesterday I could no longer see her there, and at night I noticed that her profile seemed completely gone, which would probably indicate that she put me on ignore. But only there?

So we come to what happened last night. I kept staring at her name, logging off and back on, getting more and more worked up and frightened, until finally deciding before going to the kitchen to eat that if she was still on by the time I got back I’ll send her a longer message. And she was still on when I got back, so I started writing… Only for her to log off very shortly afterwards, leaving me wondering whether I shouldn’t just give up and try another time. But that would have only been worse, so I kept at it and sent her the messages anyway… Now I guess I can only hope that they won’t serve only to remind her to ignore me there too.
The state I was in while trying to work up the courage to send those messages was very similar to the one I was in some four years ago, when we last talked. Not just feeling sick and needing to rush to the bathroom three times per day so I won’t shit in my pants when seeing her on, which was the rule for the past couple of days as well, but shaking incontrollably, nauseous, dizzy, sweaty but freezing at the same time, arms and legs numb, heart beating erratically… And all of this despite the lack of any reaction from her so far, so imagine what would happen if there would be one… Especially considering my worst fear…

Now the rule would be for my computer to fail in some way as well, since that’s what happens when I’m in such a state, so I want to first make sure that all my data is safe and then try to see, after the race, if I can work up the courage to log on again and see what happened. If I’ll somehow see a reply, I’ll need to work up a whole lot more courage to actually read it. But that’s probably hardly a likely scenario, a more probable one being that I won’t see her on again because she put me on ignore… Still, fake hope was what made me keep getting out of bed for six years, so it can help me log on as well, and then I guess I’ll go from there… Somehow…
At least there was one thing she did last night that I’m incredibly grateful for, though I’m obviously sure that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me: She changed her regular profile image with an actual picture of herself. If all else fails, at least I can say that I saw her again, after six years, even if it was just such a tiny picture and I have no way of even knowing when it was taken…

These days, I found myself randomly thinking about what vows could a childfree person be said to take in support of their choice. Knowing me, that resulted in a somewhat complicated text, with multiple variants and parts, covering different situations. This is more of an exercise and perhaps not to be taken quite so seriously, though I tried to make it as fitting and encompassing as I could.
What you’ll see below are the three possible parts of such an oath. The first part, which practically provides a very basic definition of a heterosexual person who does not want to breed, as well as of their resulting sexual behavior, is somewhat more complicated. It has two slightly different versions, one for females and one for males, the differing portions being underlined and split by a slash. You’ll also see a piece of text between parentheses at the start of said first part, which is written like that because it obviously only applies to people who are sterile, whether as a result of a sterilization procedure or not. The second part is for those who are aware of the negative effects of the current human population and are willing to spread the message and perhaps even get more involved in solving this problem. As such, it is not suitable for those who have chosen to be childfree for purely personal reasons and do not wish to get involved in the larger issue. As for the third part, it is meant for the people who truly want to have nothing to do with children, whether because they represent the aggravation of the overpopulation problem or simply because they can’t stand their behavior, or in fact for any other reason. Personally, I can’t quite see how can someone desire to include the second part in their potential oath but leave the third out, but I’m aware that there are plenty like that, so that’s why I put the two separately.

First part: “I swear to never have any children of my own and to make sure that all of my long-term sexual partners are fully aware of this fact. (To the best of my knowledge, I currently am completely sterile and will never do anything with the specific intent of changing this fact. However, if I’ll ever become aware of the existence of any risk of pregnancy / causing a pregnancy,) I will consider undergoing a permanent sterilization procedure, though I am in no way obliged to ever go through with it. For as long as any risk of pregnancy / causing a pregnancy will exist, I will do my best to use effective contraception, strongly favoring the methods that have little to no negative impact on the frequency or enjoyment of sexual activity for either myself or my partner(s). If, despite my best efforts, I will nevertheless get pregnant / cause a pregnancy, I will terminate the pregnancy / spare no effort in helping my partner terminate it within the first trimester without fail, regardless of the obstacles I will face / and in a way that will cause her the least possible discomfort. If she will prove uncertain or unwilling to do so, I will first strongly advise and then, if required, pressure her by any means necessary, doing my best to ensure that the child will not be born. In such an event, even if I had previously decided that it was not a suitable solution for me, I will once again very seriously consider undergoing a permanent sterilization procedure.”

Second part: “Being fully aware of the negative impact the current human population has on the world, I am also fully aware of the need to reduce it in an ethical manner. As that implies not increasing the number of deaths, neither by directly killing people nor by withholding necessary aid, I am aware that what is required is drastically reducing the number of births in every single part of the world, regardless of the current local or national fertility rates. I will strive to spread this awareness, while also offering my support to other childfree individuals, regardless of their reasons for making this choice. I will not allow those who, whether for selfish interests or for any other reasons, claim to disagree with me to wear me down or silence me. I will express my views in public, advise and even pressure those within my circle of influence, and also support the efforts of the groups, organizations or authorities that aim to rapidly and drastically reduce the number of births in any given area or in the world as a whole.”

Third part: “Though I am fully aware that many children who have already been born need loving parents, I will never personally adopt a child. In addition, I will not share a home or workspace with any child or children for any significant length of time, regardless of whether or not I’d be expected to care for or directly interact with them in any way. I will also clearly explain my stance to all my friends, as well as to any relatives and acquaintances who appear to desire to remain in contact with me, expressing my firm disapproval, possibly by completely ending contact, in case any of them will have or plan to have children, regardless of any other factors.”

This would be pretty much it, or at least what I came up with so far. Remember what I said at the beginning, namely that it’s more of an exercise and perhaps not to be taken quite so seriously. It’s more or less the vow I could be said to have taken myself, only made to apply to as many different people and situations as possible by splitting it in three parts and adding the necessary alternate wording for females in the first one. For those who are wondering, said first part assumes a heterosexual scenario because homosexual relationships can’t naturally result in children being born, so the only vow homosexual childfree individuals would need to take is to never undergo any procedures meant to artificially generate a pregnancy, which I believe should go without saying.

It’s been a while since the last such urban “trip” I went on, but yesterday I covered quite a lot of ground. Luckily I only covered about a third of the way back on foot, as my initial estimate for doing everything on foot was a minimum of two hours each way, assuming I never got lost on the way, which would have been rather troublesome. One hour each way is never a problem, one and a half can work, but my right knee starts complaining after about three hours of walking and becomes quite a bother after four, so two each way plus some more walking while there would have meant pretty much limping my way back. It could be manageable, a couple of times I walked for some six hours straight, but after four I really need to do everything I can to spare it and maybe even make brief stops now and then.
I did this because several events are taking place these days and it was a good enough reason to do something like this again, since I didn’t really go anywhere whenever I went out during the summer. Went to see a craftsmen’s fair where there also were various traditional foods on display, stopped by a bookstore, checked out what was supposed to be something of a book fair and glanced at a couple of other things along the way, so in itself it wasn’t bad. It could have been better if the book fair would have actually been set up by the time I got there, but it was the first day of something that’s supposed to last a whole week and what I saw were vans, boxes and people very slowly arranging the books on what would later become the displays, so that was something of a waste.
Unfortunately, there were a few interactions with people which, as always, were very troubling for me, and that was without me trying to buy anything, as that was clearly out of the question, requiring direct interaction initiated by me. At first there was a woman giving me a magazine, which wouldn’t have been an issue if I’d have understood her correctly from the start, but I couldn’t figure out whether she said she wanted to give it or sell it to me, so I had to ask before taking it, which meant interacting and therefore was unsettling. Then, once everything was done and I was on the way back, a guy got out of a car that had stopped right in front of me and asked me if I knew a hospital in the area, which made me stare in the direction of a children’s hospital but eventually mutter that I didn’t know the area, because with him next to me I really couldn’t remember if it actually was that way or in the opposite direction, nor how far the next one was, as that was probably the one he was referring to. Yet the worst was the couple who asked me to take their picture in the craftsmen’s fair area, even though I had noticed their intent as I walked towards them, put my head down and walked faster, in an attempt to appear unapproachable. It didn’t work, so I mumbled something about wondering whether I’ll manage, but the guy said I’ll manage just fine, handed me the camera and showed me what button to press, after which they walked a couple of steps away and hugged. So I took a picture of them without ever looking anywhere other than at the camera’s screen, sort of tried to ask him if it was all right and then awkwardly left, sort of walking sideways, while he said it was fine.

Going to such events always makes me think that they’d be just the kind of things the Andra I knew would have wanted to go to, pulling me along and then making me wait around for her while she checked everything out. In themselves, those wouldn’t exactly be good memories or mental links, but they imply being with her and aren’t negative either, so they’re far better than anything done without her. Besides, I would have never thought of checking out such events before going to a few with her. Not that it does me any good, since there are usually a few things that catch my eye but I obviously couldn’t buy anything even if I wanted to, but there you have it… A little over a week until it’ll be six years since she left and here I still am…

In other news, at least I’m alone these days, so that makes things more manageable, at least as long as nothing’ll happen that’ll require any intervention or interaction. I just wish I’d be alone for good or at least neutral reasons, not because they’re going to help out relatives diagnosed with cancer who have been discharged from hospital. Can’t say that I care about the person in question, which goes for nearly any relative of mine, but people should either somehow get completely cured very quickly or die very quickly when this happens, if it needs to happen at all. Really couldn’t care less which of the two it is, but nobody should go through something like this for any significant length of time. It’s just terrible, not to mention terribly frightening.

Otherwise, I sort of got stuck at the end of chapter two in Risen. You have me and 12 NPCs against eight lizardmen, if I counted correctly, but I only get experience for the lizardmen I land the killing blow on. It would have been so much nicer if the game would have put all of us in a group, like it does during the quests that give me a single ally, so there will be no experience lost regardless of who lands the killing blow. There’s always the trick with Rhobart, which I could use to recover any experience lost here, though I preferred not to do so otherwise, but it’s really annoying. I tried a few times to kill all of them and I think the most I managed was five, then got frustrated… Hope it won’t make me give up on the game.

Before talking about the latest reason to mope around and feel like shit, I think I need to give you a little background information. You see, about a month ago I wondered once again whether there was still any way to see who’s on Yahoo! Messenger without logging on, after they removed the status indicators from the profiles when they changed them, a couple of years ago. For all this time, I kept logging on, invisible, often even several times per day, just to check, usually logging off right away after seeing that there was nobody to talk to. But it would appear that the old status indicators still work well enough, if you know what the link is. So I made a little page where I put the people on my list, plus a couple that aren’t on my list, to be able to check without logging on. Of course, this only shows their public status, not whether or not they’re invisible, and it also only works for those who use Yahoo! Messenger, not displaying the status of those who actually use Windows Live Messenger, even though the two are interoperable. (I also found out how to check the public status of someone who uses Windows Live Messenger, but that’s set up differently, not broadcasting any status unless the user specifically enables this, so nobody showed up as being on-line even if they actually were.) Still, it was of some help, so I kept it and keep using it.
Well, this caused me to freeze on the spot last Tuesday, when I saw Andra on. Of course, I couldn’t see her when I logged on as well, since she either set herself as invisible to me or put me on ignore at the start of 2008, at the end of that period during which we talked again, but there she was. Note that I had been using the page for two and a half weeks at that point and hadn’t seen her on before. She was also on that evening, but afterwards I think I only saw her show up as being on-line during the day… In fact, my little page says she’s on right now as well. Not that it helps me in any way since she wouldn’t talk to me and I’m absolutely terrified of what she may have to say if she were to say anything, but there it is. Still makes my guts turn to water every time I see that, and that first time I actually managed to work up the courage to send her a hug… And then I logged off and didn’t log on again for a day and a half. All for no reason, as I said, but that was about all I could work up any courage for.

On an entirely different note, I also met Andreea on Friday, supposedly so she’ll return the A Song of Ice and Fire books that I had given her a pretty long time ago. We walked around for a while, then sat on a bench and talked, so it seemed to go well enough… Or almost, because originally she had said that she’ll need to be somewhere else by 6 PM and I had noticed that a medieval music concert was supposed to start in that same park at 5:30 PM, as part of an event that was taking place there at the time, so was planning to have a look out of curiosity, seeing that the two seemed to fit together so well. But when I asked when was she supposed to leave she said the schedule changed and she’ll only need to be back at 7 PM, and I didn’t get much of a reaction out of her when I awkwardly tried to mention that I was interested to see what that concert was all about, so I just gave up on the thought and sat there with her until she got up to leave at around 6:10 PM.
After I took her to the metro station, I only made my way to the stage at 6:35 PM, when the concert was supposed to have already ended. It hadn’t, lasting for about ten minutes more, but it was enough to let me know that it was a good thing I had missed the rest. It was way too loud for that small space, forcing me to take up a spot in front of an NGO’s tent, sort of just behind the area where spectators should have gathered in front of the stage, and there were only some 70 people or so openly attending, which was still too small of a crowd to lose yourself in, making me feel awfully embarrassed when a song ended and one’d be expected to applaud. I didn’t and felt embarrassed for that as well, and then started to get even slightly scared, but that’s what happens whenever there are people around me, after all…
But let’s leave that behind and move on to the actual issue, which I only spotted when I got back and looked inside the bag, noticing a smaller bag with a sheet of paper and some drugs carefully hidden under the books. Now I could just let that hang like that, but no, I’m talking about the kind of drugs you get from a pharmacy, don’t worry. For a moment I even thought that she somehow put some of her own things in the bag and forgot to take them out before giving it to me, but then I read the note. It started by saying she knows I’ll get upset over it, but that helping a friend is the least she could do with her experience of working in a pharmacy. Then she went on to say that she got me some things for the health issues she remembered me mentioning, explaining exactly how to take or use each of them and then also mentioning how she bought the drugs in question, saying that they cost her a lot less than they normally would so I shouldn’t be worried about her spending money on me.
Well, I don’t think I actually had the first problem she mentioned in years, while the other three are currently at entirely manageable levels, so I’d much rather not even think about them unless or until they’ll once again become really problematic. And she should also know very well that I won’t take drugs unless I really have to. But the more important issues are that she tricked me, hiding this until it was too late for me to throw it in her face along with a few choice words, and gave me something I didn’t specifically ask for or want. (Worse, she gave me something I specifically didn’t want.) She knows exactly what I think of lying, that I see hiding something on purpose as the same as lying, and also that giving me things bought with money that I don’t specifically ask you for is a very good way to really piss me off. After all, knowing this is just why she tricked me into it like this.
Actually thought to throw away the fucking things, but that’d be a waste of resources, so eventually put them aside, just in case I’ll find myself truly needing any of them before they expire. But hopefully that won’t be the case, plus that I may still decide to throw them away anyway, so she most likely just spent money, no matter how little, to really piss me off, which she knew very well would happen. Then she also sent me a few messages, the second saying that we get upset over the stupidest things and the third that she’ll stop sending me anything in that case and I’m welcome to stay lonely. Note that these two messages were only a few hours apart, while it’s not uncommon for me to send her several and wait even more than a week to get a reply… A pity, since we had kept in touch for the past few years, but she wouldn’t be the first person I mostly cut contact with because she gave me something and she knew it, so I’ll consider it to be done on purpose.

As for the old HDD, it always took a few seconds to start, making some really worrying noises in the process. The problem with that is that the default power settings turn off a HDD after it’s unused for 20 minutes, and since I just put in this one to automatically backup everything every morning, nothing else should have been using it, so it kept turning off. However, a lot of things were accessing it anyway, making it turn back on shortly after it was turned off, causing my computer to freeze for a couple of seconds in the process, which was both annoying and likely bad for the HDD as well.
Yes, I turned off indexing and also put all of it on BitDefender‘s exclusions list, but it still did it roughly every 30 minutes, rarely staying off for any significant amount of time. It’d happen if BitDefender tried to update, if I started Internet Explorer or Winamp, if I closed or minimized all active applications to see the desktop… So I put in 120 minutes instead of 20 and now it only happens a couple of times per day, usually when I just get on the computer. That’s strange in itself, since BitDefender accessing it whenever it tries to update would mean that it’s accessed every hour and therefore should never turn off anymore, but I did only notice it do that a couple of times while I wasn’t using the computer myself, so it may not be the update process itself but something related to it taking place while I’m doing something else.

As far as the HDD goes, I’ll say all’s well that ends well, at least so far. And since I didn’t have any more of those freezes either for the past two weeks, it’s looking good. Of course, there were some three weeks between the series of freezes before and now it’s only been two since the last, and I am still being careful to avoid anything that I think may increase the risk whenever possible, so we’ll see how it goes.
That goes for the issue with Andreea as well, I guess. Now I know that she meant well, but she also knew exactly what would happen as a result of this, so I have no intention of extending an olive branch just now. If she’ll let me chew on it for a while and then show the same level of determination that I keep showing whenever I really want to keep talking to someone, we’ll see what happens. But one thing’s for sure: Even if we’ll keep talking, I won’t risk meeting her again anytime soon!
As for Andra… I lose either way. If she’ll ever say anything, I’m too terrified of what it could be. If not… She probably just ignores me, so I’m going crazy over here for nothing, since she probably wouldn’t get anything I’d send her and certainly won’t reply anyway. But it is what it is… Not that you’ll ever read this, but I still love you and always will…