Cav's Place

The results of several studies related to romantic relationships have been released for Valentine’s Day and, while they generally only say things everybody already knows, I want to comment on one of them. It’s not the one about love blinding people, which received quite a bit of media attention, but one that supposedly shows that people find ways to love those they have a chance to be with.

Once again I find myself looking at those findings from a different angle than the researchers and coming to another conclusion. People who are generally considered the most attractive usually put time and effort (and money) into maintaining and even improving their looks. That obviously means they consider physical attractiveness to be important, obviously also making it an important factor when judging others. Thus rephrased, the study seems to say that people who consider looks to be important, consider looks to be important. Oh my, what a find!
But let’s move away from the study and towards the people for a moment. Knowing that the more physically attractive a person is, the more likely they are to rate a potential partner’s looks as more important than their personality, I would say this goes to show that very attractive people, on average, tend to be rather shallow. And the sad thing is that it’s quite obvious they’re not born that way, they become like that somewhere along the way.
Then again, shallowness tends to attract shallowness, especially when it manifests by putting physical attractiveness first. But the real problem is when a person that’s not shallow happens to fall in love with one that is, and then almost invariably have their heart broken.

You guessed it, I hate it! Big business trying to make money off everything, including love, be it real or fake. Why do you need a special day to treat your significant other especially well? And why do you need to prove your feelings with things that you buy? What ever happened to simply doing things for each other, putting time, effort and, especially, feeling into it?

But I’m not going to lash out against consumerism again. I only mean to post one of those annoying lists of “things to do to make every day Valentine’s Day”, as you can see them called in various places. In no particular order, simply some things that, to my mind, make a relationship work well and last. Things that people should do way more often but, unfortunately, don’t get done because everybody is too caught up in the rat race to focus on the things that really matter, only realizing what they had when it’s gone.

Say “I love you” and mean it. Don’t throw the word around whenever you think it might be appropriate, save it for the moments when you truly feel the need to say it. And don’t just say it out loud, whisper it right next to their ear. It’s usually hard to say those words if you truly mean them, so that would also make it easier for you.
The best moments are the intimate ones, when there is nobody else around, you are very close and nothing else matters. I’m talking about such moments as during a long hug, while making love, right before going to sleep or right after waking up. Either way, it should preferably happen often since love is what should be holding you together more than anything else and there should be plenty of such intimate moments.

Talk about everything and don’t shy away from arguments when needed, as long as they’re constructive. Know each other and know yourselves, since it’s so easy to do something wrong when you don’t know what the other considers to be wrong.
Communication is the key, and that includes talking about the bad things as well. The first requirement when attempting to solve a problem is knowing it exists, and then defining it in detail. Sometimes that causes bad feelings to be released and hurtful things to be said, but better let it all out and then be able to solve it than hold it in and let it develop into something much worse. Arguments, if handled correctly, can solve many problems that would linger on if confrontation would be avoided.

Set aside time for yourselves. It doesn’t matter what other things you have to do, how busy you are or many others depend on you. Set aside one day per week for each other. Don’t let anyone or anything intrude upon that day. It’s a time for you to spend together, enjoying your relationship, doing all the things you like doing together and spoiling each other. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, during that day you should act like you’re carefree, the only important thing being your relationship.
And you should also set aside at least two hours for each other during each of the other days. Use them to talk about what truly matters, do something you enjoy doing together, show each other you care, cuddle or have sex. Make sure no day goes by without reaffirming the fact that you a single unit, not different people who just happen to occasionally find each other when given a break by the rest of their lives.

Touch, hug and kiss frequently. Physical contact is extremely important and, while this is not the closest you can be, it’s something you can do far easier and in many more places. These things shouldn’t need to be conscious actions. They should simply happen, touching each other at every opportunity becoming second nature.
Holding hands while walking together and a hug and a kiss whenever you see each other again after even a few hours spent apart can mean a lot. But you don’t need reasons to hug and kiss your significant other, it should happen many times during each day. Even brief touches, like brushing your hand against your significant other as you go past them while at home or a small peck on the lips or cheeks or even simply brushing your lips against their hair, mean a lot.

Keep each other sexually satisfied at all times. Don’t use sex as a currency and don’t let other things ruin your sex life. The closest you can be to another person is while having sex and that should be treasured. It doesn’t matter how your day has been and what other things have happened, let it all go and focus on pleasing each other the best you can. You’ll often find that you feel better about the other things afterwards as well.
And it’s crucial to synchronize your sex drives. If you want to have sex more than your partner, do your best to arouse them, keeping in mind that every little thing you do during a day can count as foreplay, if done right. Also gently guide them when you do have sex, so the quality will compensate for any potential lack of quantity. And if your partner wants to have sex more than you, do your best to please them when it does happen and teach them what they can do to arouse you more often.

Make plans together so you won’t risk drifting apart because of different agendas. Yes, it’s important to have time for yourself and even do things you enjoy doing without your partner being present as long as they’re not bothered by it, but, again, it’s very important not to end up acting like different people who just happen to occasionally find each other when given a break by the rest of their lives.
Make sure you always put the relationship first, not doing anything that might jeopardize it. You can’t get very far without deciding together where to go next and only going where the other can follow. Not to mention that simply making plans for a future together gives a feeling of security.

Developing inside jokes, looks and other gestures is another great way to bond. It shows that you understand each other and that you treasure the moments you had together so far. Not to mention that such things can be very helpful when others are around and you might not be able to tell each other what you mean to say in just so many words.
Just like most other things in a successful relationship, developing this “code” shouldn’t be something done on purpose, but something that comes into existence on it’s own, as time passes and you become more connected to each other. Just don’t be afraid to use it once it does or it’ll be wasted.

I don’t think I told anybody anything they didn’t know already. Some may refuse to accept that such things are needed for a good relationship, but many more try to be like this and yet keep failing, usually because they end up too caught up in the rat race to be able to focus on the things that truly matter. Therefore, perhaps the best advice anybody can give is that winning the race isn’t a worthy goal and neither is simply competing in it. The goal should be to stop being a rat.

I need to let this out in just so many words right now because otherwise I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop myself anymore and I’ll tell it straight to her, which will ruin everything. And need to do it today just so I won’t risk doing it tomorrow and make it look even cheesier.
I’ll write it just as I almost said it to her several times over the past two days, just without bothering to translate my thoughts into Romanian anymore. I’m struggling so hard not to jeopardize what I have now, her just talking with me again… Don’t know what I’ll do if she’ll ever read my blog…

I love you, I’ll always love you and that will never change regardless of what happens. Nothing else matters, whether it’s past, present or future. I’ll always be here and do anything and everything I’m in any way capable of doing for you whenever you need somebody, unconditionally. I hope you know that, but I wonder if you’ll ever truly understand just how strong my feelings for you are. I only pray you’ll never feel the way I’ve been feeling every moment of every day since you left. The one thing I desire most is to see you happy. Preferably happy with me, yes, but happy first.

Doesn’t seem to help much, I still feel pretty much the same, still need to say it to her. But maybe it bought me a little more time, maybe I’ll be able to sit on my fingers while chatting with her for a while longer.
This isn’t for anybody to read, it’s just what I had to write right now…

I wonder how come I didn’t stumble upon Group Hug before. It seems far more “real” than PostSecret to me, because more feeling drips into a small piece of text that you just write when you feel the need to than into a card that you take time to create and then send.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of meanness there, but why should anybody be surprised? As I keep saying, most people are nothing but selfish, violent morons who enjoy trampling all over the few who are different. No, unfortunately evilness is not surprising and we’re all to blame for that, for accepting and even encouraging it. Just think of how many parents teach their children to take care of their own interests because nobody else will and that if you’re not ruthless in life you’ll never get anywhere, “because everybody else is”.
But there are still people who have feelings. And many of them are hurt by the rest or simply by life itself… And it doesn’t matter whether the issue looks major or minor for somebody else, because as long as it’s serious for the person affected by it, it’s serious. That said, I want to tell all of you that I’m thinking of you and wishing things will get better. I don’t mean I wish you’ll get over it, but that I wish the problem that’s currently causing you pain will be solved the way you want it to be solved, as long as nobody else not deserving of such pain will be hurt in the process.

There are a lot of people I’ll never know that I simply wish I could give a hug to these days, though I know it won’t be of much real help.
And for anybody interested, there is a Romanian “version” of Group Hug: Nobo. I read all the confessions posted there so far and I’m pleased to notice that there seem to be significantly less mean or obviously fake ones than on Group Hug. Probably has to do with the fact that not many people know about it yet, because I doubt we’re less mean or more truthful than the rest of the world overall, but also with a better moderation process.

Last night I somehow thought about writing a post titled “A Perfect Day” (or “Schedule of a Perfect Day”) where I’d have tried to tell how I see a perfect day, what I’d do and what would happen during it, in a few different scenarios. But today certainly took my mind back down from any little fluffy clouds it had been on…

I love her, she loves him, he… That’s the question, isn’t it? I keep saying he believes himself when he says he loves her, but it seems like whenever he does something that could go some way towards proving it he turns around and kicks himself in the ass the next moment. And each time I know how she’ll react in the end, she firmly denies it but then does just what I say, sometimes even sooner than I thought she would. It’s a bit sad to be shocked to rediscover who you are and what you’re going to do in a given situation each time you’re presented with it…
Still, this time he actually managed to anger me and I couldn’t find her share of the blame, and now knowing how she ultimately reacted to it just goes to prove once again that she is capable of true love, which makes it hurt even more that she never felt it for me.

I just wonder… Not if I’ll ever prove what I feel for her, but if I’ll ever feel that I proved it… And especially if she’ll ever really realize exactly how much I love her and that I’ll always be here for her, no matter what and regardless of how much her hurt me and still does.
Are those who know how to truly love forever cursed to learn how it is to be truly hurt forever? Living, yet never again alive?