Cav's Place

Don’t the people from Yahoo! think I might not be logged on YIM because I DON’T WANT to be logged on YIM? Integrate YIM with Yahoo! Mail, fine, but don’t make it log on automatically when you check your mail! What the fuck is that???
Earlier today I meant to clean up my Yahoo! address. I don’t use it, but I do that once every few weeks or so. I log on and see the pop-ups informing about integrating IM in Mail. I think no problem, don’t care, didn’t think it’d automatically log me on! Then I look and see that it did! Not only that, it logged me on visible as well. Ok, that’s not the problem, the issue is not that I don’t want people to see me, but that I didn’t want to see her on, knowing how that will affect me.
Anyway, went invisible and then I looked through the off-line messages (mostly stuff sent to the whole list, of course) I got in the year or so since I last logged on, then deleted them. Then denied the friend requests I had, all but one being from people that I either don’t know or don’t know that I know, and I wasn’t sure about that last one either, not that I meant to accept it even if I was. There were also four friend requests listed as being from myself, with an “Undefined” message and no date (1/1/70), in my off-line messages, that I couldn’t get rid of.
Then I meant to log off, but before I did that I saw where it said that six contacts were on-line and I just couldn’t help but look, knowing I’ll assume she was on and react pretty much in the same way if I don’t, just that probably it would hit me later tonight. Actually, I probably would have assumed she was on even if she didn’t show up, thinking she had removed me from the list of people that could see her as available, so there was really no way out once I got there. So I did look and… She was on. Idle, but on-line nevertheless. In the next five seconds, in no particular order, froze from head to toe, arms and legs went numb, head started tingling, was drenched in sweat, started shaking so bad I had a hard time directing the mouse to click log off, heart rate probably went off the chart, would have thrown up if I had anything in my stomach and mind emptied of all else and every possible connection to her flooded in.
That was hours ago, and I’ve spent that time pacing the room, doing one stupid thing after another and trying to do some that weren’t that stupid and failing miserably. I’m still numb, if anyone’s interested, and if I’ll sleep tonight it will be because I collapsed while sitting and hugging the bear…
Need her… Need her to even want to do anything, anything at all… It’s quite easy to find things worth dying for, but it’s so much harder to find somebody worth living for… And then to lose them… Love you and I always will. Hope you’ll never really know how I feel…

I remember a time, when I was little and living with my grandparents, when I used to go in a room, alone, late in the evening, and just sit there in the dark. It was particularly nice to do it on a late summer evening, when the temperature had cooled just enough to be pleasant and they were all still outside, the windows left wide open and the sound of wind and crickets filling my ears. But I did it often at other times at well and it scared them, especially when they happened to walk into the room I was in and notice my shape in the dark, or sometimes literally stumble upon me.
I wasn’t doing anything but sitting and letting my mind drift to wherever it wanted to go, but those moments were the best from that entire period of my life. Those were my moments, when I could break away from everyone else, and they have always been. Night, darkness, solitude, a clearly delimited space and no sounds but those Nature creates. I have always enjoyed these things, though I did find one person next to whom I felt much better at any moment than I ever did being alone at night… And then I lost her. But, unless this is the first entry you read and you know nothing else of me either, you know of that already. I have talked and written a lot about it and will certainly do so again, but not tonight. I won’t write about how confining the creature’s constant presence in this house and the fact that she goes to bed so late as well feel, or about all the noise I now have to put up with. No, tonight I want to write about darkness, and how I’m missing it since I got back here.

I hate light. I hate days, sunshine, summer… They wear me down, disrupt my thoughts, don’t let me be myself even when I am alone… The winter solstice has always been a time of sadness for me, because the nights start to get shorter. It was certainly one of the reasons I could never enjoy Christmas, though only one of many. There was even a time, while I was living with her, when I completely gave up on what had been my regular schedule on most nights for several years, no longer going to bed around 4 AM, but around 8 AM. That meant I woke up around 4 or 5 PM and, since the days were short and nights were long right at that time, avoided pretty much the entire day. Many might find it weird, but for me it was a nice feeling.
It’s not only that there’s far less human activity and noise at night, though of course that also plays a great part, but darkness itself makes me feel better. My thoughts are far clearer, I’m more at ease, more attuned to my surroundings… In darkness, not only can I really be myself when alone, but there’s also a greater chance of managing to say and do exactly what I mean when I’m with someone else.

But it’s not just the light of day, artificial light has nearly the same effect. I don’t keep lights on unless I absolutely need to, so usually the only light source in my room is the computer monitor. Bad for my eyes, I know, but light stresses me out. And artificial light is precisely my problem now, since I got here.
There are streetlights in place behind the building I’m currently living in. The orange kind, used for parks and alleys, so not as bad as the cold white used throughout the city, but as long as it’s a light it’s bad enough. I’m on the first floor (second for Americans) and, while none of them are directly in front of my window, one is very close to it and at just the wrong height. That means I have had almost no darkness in 15 months. The blinds are thin, can’t block it out, so my room always glows orange.
A few days ago, when dad was gone for the night, I went to the living room and noticed a blanket hung to dry, blocking out the light that would otherwise enter his room. I sat on the couch and… Nothing, just sat there for a while. Not dark enough, the blanket provided only partial cover, but better than I’d seen in a long time. When I was living with her I would sometimes go to her brother’s old room at night and walk around in the dark for a while. I didn’t need to do it as long as things were fine between us, but I still enjoyed it. Now I need it and can’t have it…

But that’s not all there is to it. If the lights weren’t enough, the view out my window consists of tall buildings blocking out everything else, not to mention adding lights of their own. When I was living with her it was on the sixth (seventh) floor, with no other tall enough buildings near enough to block the view. Way above streetlights, and actually there weren’t any if you looked straight down, on the alley that connected the building entrance to the street, either. You could see far into the city, but that isn’t what bothers me most about this.
I remember looking up at the stars on a perfectly dark sky when I was little. I remember being able to at least make out some of them before I left here to go live with her, in the patch of sky visible above the buildings, before these lights came to be. While there, though not as well as I could when I was at my grandparents’ when I was little, I could once again see pretty clearly when looking up, watch the stars and the moon on the night’s sky. Now, after 15 months since I got thrown back, I’m yet to see a single star… And I doubt I ever will…

Ok, 619 days and about 11 hours to be more exact. From around 4 AM on September 27th, 2005 till around 3 PM today. That’s how long it had been since the last time I got a hug… Also how long it’s been since she left for England the first time… Yes, I did hug her several times during that day between her getting back and me being kicked out of there, but she wasn’t returning those hugs. Still, that’d make it 456 days and about 9 hours since the last time I gave a hug too…
Of course, it couldn’t have been just the good… I made a complete fool of myself today before that moment, and just because I had a completely idiotic idea last night… Like I wasn’t feeling bad enough about what I’m putting the few people that still are close to me through. Nobody but her (and my parents, but they don’t count) needed to put up with me acting like that before and I hoped nobody else would ever have to. Not because I thought I wouldn’t do it again if the conditions were met, it was obvious that I would, but because I never meant to get myself in that situation again. Or at least not have somebody I care about around when I do, so I’ll be the only one in the awkward situation.
And to think I was saying I could never make up for being put up with so far… How about now? Can I PLEASE just crawl into a deep, dark hole and die already?
Trying to sleep since I got back home and no luck. In between the overall feel of being a huge pile of diarrhea splattered all over a road and getting in everybody’s way and the way my teeth and gums feel after going to the dentist today, can’t do anything but can’t do nothing either…

I have a serious problem with spaying and neutering pets. You shouldn’t take away an important part of their lives. For one, you take away their ability to have sex, especially for the males, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like that done to yourself. Then, there are certain behaviors that are triggered by sexual instincts and humans shouldn’t just go in and remove the organs that produce the hormones responsible for those instincts. You change the personality of the animal in question and I’m not sure who you think gave you the right to do so. I’m really serious about this and I’d certainly want anybody who spays or neuters their pet to have the exact same thing done to them!

True, population control is needed, but this is not the way. There are birth control methods for humans, so there are certainly ways to achieve the same effects for other mammals as well. The problem is that companies aren’t interested in developing such products because the expected revenue isn’t that great and because the “they’re just animals” mentality is still prevalent.
And then you have those who claim that spaying and neutering are necessary because these procedures reduce the risk of the animals developing ovarian and testicular cancer, respectively. Of course they reduce, or eliminate actually, that risk, those organs are no longer there! On the same train of thought, anybody who believes that idea is welcome to have their brain removed. It’ll certainly eliminate the risk of a brain tumor, and it doesn’t look like they’re using it anyway!
Bottom line, it’s simply “the way things are done” and most people are used to it. Being used to it, they think it’s the right thing to do and end up supporting these methods because of that. And, since they’re supporting them, saying the methods are wrong is saying that they are wrong. And people really hate being told they’re wrong, which makes change very unlikely.
Luckily, there are people struggling to bring about that change, and they seem to be making progress. Sure hope they will manage to bring such products not only on the market, but into the mainstream, so surgery will be phased out and replaced by methods that more closely resemble what humans might use. Or even keep surgical methods available, but not the ones that are currently in use. There are, after all, surgical procedures used by humans for that purpose as well, but they’re not the same ones that are currently being used on animals.

Like ACC&D’s tagline, “If pets could practice safe sex, they would.” However, that’s exactly my worry with the methods looking to make their way to the market, I don’t think they only affect the animal’s ability to procreate while leaving the behavior pattern untouched. Because if you render the organs useless by chemical means instead of removing them, you don’t accomplish anything. But I think we should take it step by step, so I’ll snap at them over that matter only if my assumption will be proven to be correct.
Another worry is over their focus on permanent sterilization. What if you think you might want puppies or kittens at some later point? Of course, pills or shots that need to be taken frequently to be effective won’t work in the case of pets like they do for humans, because the animal will become very stressed. However, shots that are effective for a few months would be a good idea if you ask me. And they’d also be less likely to have significant negative side effects, since the dosage would naturally be smaller. I’m wary of implants or shots that are effective for a longer amount of time, as in a few years, because cats and dogs live far less than humans do. If an implant that’s effective for 2 to 5 years is a viable solution for a human, giving them plenty of time to change their mind later, that amount of time means something entirely different for a pet.
Of course, considering the current population of dogs and cats, especially the strays, most of them should be permanently sterilized. But the focus on permanent methods bothers me because it doesn’t give people a choice, it is either permanent or not at all. And that would certainly make some choose to avoid such methods just like they avoid the existing ones, even when they never actually intend to let their pets procreate. It’s just an issue of having a choice.

But any step forward is a step forward, and such initiatives should be supported as much as possible. We need to stop thinking of animals as lesser beings at our disposal and start thinking of them as beings that we share this world with, our little brothers and sisters. Since we claim to be more intelligent and obviously are more developed and stronger as a whole than they are, we need to care more and do more for them! Especially since we’re the reason they’re in their current plight in the first place. If people wouldn’t abandon their pets, there wouldn’t be strays to control in the first place!

I have an old post on this topic, but it is something I think about often so I’ll write about it again now. Of course choosing this moment for it has everything to do with what happened on Wednesday. Have to admit that stumbling upon a corpse that’s the result of suicide would make anybody think of it, don’t you agree?

Several suicide cases have made the news around here recently, including one that has been on the front pages for quite some time now. This in turn prompted various reactions from various “experts”, aimed at preventing such acts and instructing the friends and family of a suicidal person as to what to do for this purpose. Typical, “we know what’s best for you, we know what you really want better than you do”…
Why is that? Why is it something that must be prevented at all costs? Why don’t people have the right do die on their own terms? It should be one of the basic human rights if you ask me. Of course, nobody does, but that’s not the point. You keep hearing to be responsible, take your life in your own hands. If this is not taking your life in your own hands, I don’t know what is! But, strangely, at that specific point somebody decides you should no longer have control over your life and takes it in their hands to “save” you, though you have no desire to be saved.

Suicide used to be honorable. Still is in some cultures. So where did we go wrong, what changed? Isn’t this a symptom of our flawed society? Treating only the effects, disregarding the causes, that’s how things work these days. It doesn’t matter that you have a reason for it, what matters is only that you don’t do it. It doesn’t matter that not doing it means a life of suffering, without meaning, without purpose, without hope, without the chance of ever producing, becoming, achieving anything, you just have to keep going so they won’t look bad.
That’s probably what it boils down to, actually. Mental health professionals make a living based on the assumption that they know what you really want, that they know what’s right for you better than you do. And they earn quite a lot from “fixing” people. They earn even more by convincing people that they need “fixing” when they don’t. If they can convince you to keep going when you see no reason to, you will keep needing their help to make it through the day, while a dead man has no use for them. Also, once they have pushed their view that suicide is wrong into the mainstream, each such case may be seen as a failure, a potential dent in their reputation. As it usually happens when those in power make mistakes, they didn’t admit it then and are too proud to admit it now.

Then you have religion. Certain mainstream religions say that humans do not have the right to decide when they die, that only a Higher Power can decide that. Pardon me for being blunt, but that’s nothing but manipulation. It’s a means of taking power away from the followers and putting it into the hands of the leaders of said religions. And once you get people to believe that you represent a being that controls how and when they die, it’s not that hard to start controlling how they live as well.
It’s quite ironic. The foundation of most religions deals with what happens after the body dies, yet many focus a lot on preventing that from happening unless it happens according to their principles. Makes one think that someone, somewhere, knows what really is out there, that it’s not what they say it is and that people might somehow bring back that knowledge to those that are still living if they die under certain conditions, so they strive to stop this from happening. Food for thought…

Another reasoning usually given is “think of those you’ll leave behind”. That should, of course, apply when you are responsible for another, like a child or a pet. In that case it’s no longer your decision because it no longer affects only you, so you should think what it would mean to them if you’ll die.
But in other cases, the problem is that often those you leave behind are exactly the cause. One of the most idiotic lines I heard has to be “think of what the one you’d be doing it for would feel”. Excuse me, but why the fuck should I? They didn’t think about me, or I wouldn’t be considering this in the first place! Heck, forget about me, they didn’t even think of themselves enough to consider how they’ll feel if I’ll do it. Either that or they did and decided it won’t bother them that much. But it does pose a good question, though: Assuming you still have a connection to your soul and can feel something, what do you feel when you know that somebody took their own life because you hurt them?
And don’t even get me started on the “what would your parents feel” topic. That’s just stupid, saying don’t do it because your parents will feel they failed. They probably did anyway. The only acceptable parent is a perfect parent, and nobody’s perfect. And not doing it doesn’t redeem them in any way. Actually, if they’re the ones who stop you or if you change your mind because of them, they just failed yet again. Besides not giving you a life worth living, they didn’t let you get out of it either.

And then you have the “it’s not worth it” line. Oh, really? Says who? It may not be worth it for you, but how can you know what’s worth it for another? How can you know what another thinks is worth dying for to say it didn’t happen? Or how do you know what another thinks is worth living for to say it’s still happening? There are probably things that would make you at least consider suicide as well, and if they’re different it doesn’t mean they’re any better or any worse. Each of us has different reasons to live and different reasons to die… You might not know yours yet, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
But you know what’s truly scary? If you would really never seriously consider this, regardless of what happened. If you could never be hurt badly enough, if you could never realize that you can no longer achieve your purpose, if you could never look around and see that the meaning of everything is gone. It means you have no soul and no mind. And what’s worse is that you’ll probably live long and prosper if you’re like that, despite the fact that you should be wiped off the face of the Earth…

That may be it, actually. Maybe more than anything else, those who get to this point show that they have a soul, or a mind, or both. Admittedly, many may be misdirected, but the fact that something can hurt them badly enough to make them want to die shows that they have a soul. And the fact that they realize there’s nothing left to live for means they have a mind and use it, or perhaps that they care enough for others not to stick around and waste resources when they know they’ll be unable to produce their share. And people who can think for themselves are dangerous for those in power. Those who can also feel are even more dangerous, because they’ll fight even harder once something worth fighting for will come up.
While they’re happy they might not be interested in how things stand in the world, but when they are no longer happy at all, which has to be the case if they want to kill themselves, they become a potential problem. If they succeed in killing themselves, they’ll make the news. In case they happened to stumble upon something until that point, it will probably be dug up and it will also make the news. Still, that risk is tiny, the serious one appearing when the attempt fails. You now have a person who can think freely and has nothing left to lose, so they must be controlled. Lock them up in a mental institution, have them take pills to block certain reactions, have them report to a certain mental health professional and tell that person everything, the methods are many, but they work just as well.
Paranoid? Perhaps, but sometimes the question is not if you’re paranoid, but if you’re paranoid enough…

I wish I could say that I admire those who have the courage to do it, but… Actually, I envy them. They could do what I couldn’t, what I’ll never be able to because I’m so weak. They quite literally took their lives in their own hands and I’m stuck here with no control, in a life not worth living, with nothing left except memories and the fear that even they’ll fade away, with no hope of better days and the knowledge that I’ll never be able to accomplish or become anything, that I’ll never produce more than I use, that I’ll always be a burden on the few that didn’t give me a swift kick in the ass already, never able to make up for anything… Yes, thinking of suicide might mean you’re a coward, but doing it proves you were brave. And, according to that, I’m as yellow as they come…
But… Perhaps there is still a purpose for my life. If seeing how I feel after what she did to me will make somebody else not do the same thing to another, it might just mean something in the grand scheme of things.

Just think of this for a moment, all of you who think suicide is wrong and claim that you have the best interest of the person you’re trying to stop when you try to stop somebody from doing it: What’s worse, to die or to survive without living?