Cav's Place

I’m not keen on short stories and the first four in this book more or less just proved me right once again. They are well written and it is a plus that they’re connected, with bits of a bigger story to be found inside them, but they are nevertheless pretty much just short stories, at times forced, at times striding too far either into humor or into a fairy tale, at times simply seeming to not quite fit, and overall rather missing the tone, setting and mood that I expected, and which they perhaps sought. Also, one particular reason to be angry with Yennefer sure is stressed at some point, and by that I don’t mean the one most people reading this will assume. That one just makes me feel even worse about the way what to me is the only right choice was treated in The Witcher 3.
However, I rated this the way I did thanks to the last two stories, which definitely belong alongside the proper books in the series, being properly connected and certainly finding that tone and mood and setting, never losing their way. After reading the fifth and seeing as the book is titled after it, I assumed that will be the best one, but the last then proved me wrong. That was in good part thanks to the outstanding and guttingly bittersweet scene between Geralt and Yennefer, which caused me to need to take a break and which I’ll probably need a longer time to recover from, but definitely not only because of that.

Rating: 4/5

Not doing much of anything else, except spiraling down even further perhaps, but at least I finally started reading Sword of Destiny this Monday, and should finish it Friday, so that should also take care of this week’s second post. Even went to read for close to an hour in a nearby park last evening, not knowing what else to do…
Does make me feel even worse about a certain thing I unintentionally found out happens if you make certain choices in The Witcher 3. Since I don’t want to put spoilers for others here, won’t say what it is, but if you do want to know you can see for yourself. Granted, the actual scene isn’t what I had in mind, but I’m talking about the fact that the only right choice is actually available but treated as the wrongest possible one. And then there’s one more “little” detail in one of the stories in this book that makes the way the matter was treated in the game even worse, and I’m invested in this story and those characters enough to feel terrible about it. Not even angry or frustrated, but just really depressed and disappointed and thinking it’s a very good reason to seriously fear ever playing the game.

As for this week’s run, it was yesterday, on about three hours of sleep since I wanted to go early, and marked yet another failed attempt to get back under 35 minutes. In fact, it was the worst of the three, at 35:35. Intermediate times were 4:41, 5:26, 6:05, 4:42, 5:21, 6:16 and 3:04, making for lap times of 16:12 and 16:19, so it was quite clear from the first lap’s second sector that it was going to be a poor run, even though I felt so slow during the first that I feared the time would be close to five minutes and had some little reason to hope when I saw it wasn’t. The first lap’s final sector wasn’t quite bad either, but that was pretty much it, and definitely didn’t feel well at all. But I’m not feeling well at all in general, and had two more things to worry about yesterday after the run, so it’s no surprise.

To get it out of the way from the beginning, this week’s run was Monday and it marked another failed attempt to get back below 35 minutes for the seven-kilometer route. Sure, 35:04 is quite close, but still on the wrong side of it, with those seconds being lost on the second lap’s third sector. Intermediate times were 4:40, 5:12, 6:00, 4:39, 5:16, 6:16 and 3:01, making for lap times of 15:52 and 16:11. Does mark the first time I managed to get back under 16 minutes for a lap since setting the record, but didn’t keep it up. That final sector time shows I still had something left, so I could have pushed harder earlier, but then I’m not sure I’d have managed to keep it up for long enough.

Otherwise, still fucked up. Making a little sense in a couple of discussions on the GOG forum but scared to the point of almost shitting myself when I see a reply and delaying even reading, talking a little to a couple of new people on Patook but also somewhat anxious of replies and the fact that I am talking and making some sense is probably just because they’re new and the place is not one of the main ones for me at the moment so I assume I can just run away if I can’t deal with it anymore, and finally sent Ada a cry for help a couple of nights ago but still feeling edgy about that even if we exchanged a few more messages since. Still no activity in the usual places, still not even reading other messages, including an important one I should have replied to over a week ago and by now I probably missed the chance of having a real say in something important for good, still scared of everything, even now as I’m writing this, and staying here with the blinds drawn until late and hiding and running and trying not to go out of my room unless I absolutely have to unless it’s clear.
Was good that I was alone during the day for a week, so could eat then and wasn’t that much of a problem that dad went to bed very late, even at about 4 AM, this week and I therefore didn’t go to eat at night until that time, when I just grabbed something very quickly before bed, but now that’s over too, so no idea what I’ll do if he’ll keep that up. Did at least catch a moment when I could grab some “breakfast” earlier today, but who knows what will happen next, with it being so hard to catch the kitchen clear and safe with them around. Not that anything feels in any way safe at any time.

And it’s that time of year again, when back in 2005 Andra had kicked me out of the room and wasn’t allowing me back there when she was there and awake. And if the date itself wouldn’t be enough, the US Open always gets me right back there, considering all the time spent watching it during those days, unless her mother was home of course, since then I withdrew to her brother’s old room and went out of my mind even more. Maybe. Hell if I know. Always seems less and less likely that any of it was real… Though I think the bad things are at least more likely to have been. But memories can always fade or get changed in time until the reality, if any of it was reality, is lost even from them and there’s nothing left. No present and no future as a given, and then no past either.

And I had to take a break here, struggling to hold off a panic attack… Not going so well, so let me just quickly finish by saying that one more reason to be messed up now is the fact that Emsisoft decided to bring an update to the delayed branch as well two days ago, after it had been stuck at the same program version since the end of last year, bringing it straight to 11.10, which is the latest on the stable branch as well. So I suddenly found myself with a message asking me to reboot Thursday evening, which I eventually did yesterday afternoon, since I wanted some answers first and, either way, really didn’t feel like spending that evening and night dealing with potential issues.
Well, past the fact that it hung on that first reboot for a couple of minutes before finally rebooting and then it said the update failed to complete and asked me to reboot again, only working right the second time, the problem now is that a few months ago they decided to make entering game mode automatic, so it went from an optional feature I neither use nor mind to a forced one I have a huge issue with, since it means it’s a decision it takes that I can do nothing about and was in fact one of the specific things I tried to avoid while spending all of 2015 testing various security products, the lack of it being one of the reasons why I chose Emsisoft in the first place. And I actually discussed the matter with their support for a while, since I glanced at their forums at some point and saw a thread about the issues the way they had initially implemented it caused, but was assured that if it’ll make it into even the delayed branch it will be optional, with the support guy saying I’m free to swear at him if it’s not. Which I obviously did after being clearly told there’s no way to turn it off, even though that same support guy expressed surprise at this even after that reply was posted!
Yes, unlike in other products, you can customize what game mode means by deciding whether updates should still take place and whether notifications should still be displayed, so unless I’m missing something else you can pretty much disable it even while it’s enabled. But doing so also makes it pointless to even have the function at all, since if you’d then want to enable it manually at some point, an option which still exists, nothing would happen, so why do that instead of being allowed to stop it from checking and leave it as a manual setting, as before? That I will not accept under any circumstances, such a check that I can’t turn off, even if it has no actual effect, because it’s exactly the sort of behavior I was running from and why I chose to discard other options! And now it was forced on me through a program update that was also forced, even though program updates should always require explicit user consent.

Still not up to make much sense, but received a notification yesterday that the GOG.com User Agreement and Privacy Policy are being updated, with three changes being mentioned. One was expected, having to do with the introduction of GOG Wallet, but the other two mention more data sharing with their partners and purchasing virtual goods, which they state will be needed for future releases. And I’m going to assume that by “future releases” they first of all mean Gwent, but once yet another set of floodgates will be opened, I’m sure that won’t be the last game using them, far from it.
So microtransactions are yet another thing which will end up there though it shouldn’t, after regional pricing, regional locking, DLC packages available separately that aren’t in any way proper expansions, preorders, preorder-exclusive content, overpriced games, games that require Galaxy for some of the functionality to be enabled, games for which those using Galaxy get patches days earlier than those who don’t, versions of games that no longer get the patches and even additional content that the developers continue to create for the versions sold on other platforms, and I’m sure I missed some. Plus probably newer games in general, since I guess that’s where it all started from, even though some of these terrible practices have since started being applied to old games as well.
Now they even got to the point of announcing that they are selling and will continue to sell an inferior version of a game as good news! And to a game having no less than 30 different prices, while at the time I’m writing this a mere 24 non-free titles still stick to their original “one world, one price” policy. And, of course, I’m just waiting for the first game which will require Galaxy to run at all, ditching even their DRM-free policy for all practical purposes. Gwent may well be that one, in fact, which you may say is quite ironic, but in truth isn’t.

So my question remains: Where do those who supported GOG for what it was at first, those who were drawn to it for those original principles and who actually got them in the position of even considering to rise beyond that initial niche level, go? They took over this niche, a digital game store with practices worth supporting and a mission to push through the increasing amount of filth in the industry and change it all for the better, then trampled all over it by expanding to compete at the highest level by imitating others and discarding all those original values and rules with the sole exception of DRM-free for the single-player part of games. They attracted new customers that don’t care about anything and outnumber and overpower the old loyal base while pretty much dismissing said loyal base and probably breathing a small sigh of relief if they even notice it at all whenever one more of the remaining few gives up, and by all accounts also hired more and more new staff members that also don’t care while many of the original ones who did have left.
Even mrkgnao left, though MaGog remains operational. And IAmSinistar, who had given up hope of the tide turning again and things getting anything but worse and worse quite some time ago, also recently stopped maintaining his threads and mixes. Some others have taken up the flag in case of those mixes, sure, but the group is ever smaller and even some who may be seen as part of it now likely aren’t as dedicated to those initial core values, while the voices of those who firmly support whatever will make GOG bigger and more profitable, just in order to get more games, keep getting stronger, also backed by the deafening apathy of the ever larger majority of users who simply stumbled in and, according to the rules that govern masses of people everywhere, don’t usually give much of a fuck about anything, won’t do anything about even the things they may claim to give a little fuck about, and are terribly easy to manipulate in order to make them do whatever’s needed to give the appearance of supporting those in power whenever they’re challenged.
So, again, where do those who want what GOG used to be go? I decided to completely stop “pirating” games for them, because there was a reason to hope that something may actually be worth supporting in this rotten industry, and then just got played, along with most others who initially supported them. I got there for games that are completely free of any form of DRM and require no clients or connections in order to install or play, that are treated as the single products they are and are therefore sold for the same price and with no blocks regardless of the customer’s location, that receive great customer support, that are pretty much the final versions in the sense that they’re as patched as they’re going to get and preferably also include all additional content that will ever be released from the beginning, that are properly tested to run well right away on modern hardware and the operating systems listed, that are affordable even for me, definitely no more than that $10, or in fact $9.99, that was the original maximum price, and that are sold by a store operated by a group of people truly dedicated to these principles and to changing the industry step by step according to them, no matter what.
Well, GOG.com is definitely not that anymore, hasn’t been at least since the original “good news” announcement, though I guess the slippery slope should have really been clear since the “Bigger. Fresher. Newer.” announcement. It has been taken over by the rotten industry and the people who just accept things as they are, while those who wish for something different, including those who truly worked, unrewarded, to help them grow and improve and become better known and more relevant, are left once again with nowhere to go. I mean, where do we go? Does anyone know of any other place like GOG used to be, that adheres to those original values and truly strives to change the industry and is actually making a dent whenever it gets a chance without allowing itself to be pushed back and thrown off that course? Because I sure don’t…

Still a complete mess, still not talking, even know I have a message I should be reading but don’t because I know what it’s about and it’d require me to submit something quite formal and there’s no way I can handle that anymore. Posting a few messages in a couple of places and exchanging a few with a new person somewhere else, but that’s stuff that lets me put my mind elsewhere while at the same time not requiring much from it, so it works in small doses.
Other than that, can’t remember the last time I cleaned my room and you can definitely see that, last week I went out once about a week after shaving, and in general I’m hiding and running and scared even of my own shadow around here too and can’t do or deal with anything. Not that I could before, but now the state is permanent, without requiring something to happen that I should be dealing with. Or permanent at this extent, since at some level it always was. Or something…
What I know… Well, I think I know at least, but maybe I don’t. But I think… Maybe… What I mean to say here is that I don’t see this ending unless somebody’ll pull me out of it, and there’s nobody who could do that, or definitely nobody who may still as much as tolerate having anything to do with me. And even in case of miracles, not sure what could still be possible anymore, or what would actually happen based on what happened so far.

Deep breath… And actually did other things for quite a while, because the point of this post was actually to say that two weeks ago I got back to Hordes of the Underdark and yesterday I finally managed to finish it! Admittedly, during this time I spent maybe some three days actually playing, the rest of it being spent in that one place where rats keep respawning and you can attack them if you want, offering about 5000 experience per hour if you’re patient enough for it. And I am extremely patient, so I pretty much sat there and killed rats for what works out to about one full day in total, since I earned about 120000 experience, getting myself from level 28, reached just before entering that area, to 32, and in fact to an even 500000.
We’re talking here about a game I don’t remember when I started, but it was probably in 2010, since I may have played without long pauses until the time of those last proper saves, in December of that year. The last one was from January of 2011 and I see there was an autosave from February as well, but it was all just poking around, without really advancing, before giving up for good. Then I only got back to it last August, rather quickly convincing myself to finish the second chapter and poking at the third for a while until I gave up again, the final save from that series being at the start of September. And then the previous attempt started this April according to the first remaining save from that series, but the others are from early May, after which I once again gave up until, as I said, two weeks ago.
Pretty much at the start of every year since 2011, when thinking of what I’ll play, I had “try to finish Hordes of the Underdark” at the top of the list, but until 2015 I didn’t even touch it again, and then it took these three different periods to get myself through the last chapter. Not that the game wasn’t good, far from it, but just one thing or another not playing well with how I play and making me uncertain of a decision and giving up on it all as a result.
Did it all with a single character, a sorcerer, taken through the original game, Shadows of Undrentide and now this. Though I went back to them every so often to see if they had anything new to say, didn’t use henchmen since they lowered the amount of experience received and I just had to take care of them anyway, and the same thing went for summons, though the pixie familiar was available once the area was otherwise cleared and there were traps I couldn’t just trigger and keep going or locks I couldn’t just bash, and a few times I remember also to safely explore or briefly draw away enemies. That way, I finished at level 33, though I didn’t get to actually gain that level in the character version that got saved since it was gained right there at the end by commanding Aribeth and Nathyrra, taken along just then to see their endings too, to stay with me.
Yes, I had spent 1.9 million gold to learn all true names, and it could have in fact cost even 2.1 million, and then used that to skip the final battle. Meant to give it a go, but there was no reason to and when I got to that point after all that time I just wanted to finish it… Though I did then reload that previous save just to start the fight in order to be able to gain the level and take screenshots, to show just how my character looks at level 33.
The other gear consists of a belt giving +10 strength, boots for +10 constitution, bracers for +10 armor and a ring for +9 armor since I couldn’t find any with +10. Also do have that neat Sash of Searing, a Ring of Power for another +1 regeneration, another granting 100% cold immunity, another granting +3 to all saving throws, an amulet granting +10 to all saving throws, a +6 tower shield which, if changing that ring granting 50% fire and cold immunity with the one granting 30/- acid resistance when needed, may be a slightly better option than the equipped one, plus various other odds and ends, in case of needing to swap. Plus two Bags of Holding and one granting 80% weight reduction, and 1871022 gold, after selling everything I didn’t see as potentially useful in any Kingmaker module I’ll import the character to next, if the inventory carries over even if I noticed the level may not.

As for this week’s run, that was yesterday as well and the time was 35:22, with sector times of 4:36, 5:22, 6:06, 4:37, 5:21, 6:14 and 3:06, making for lap times of 16:04 and 16:12. Was sort of trying to get under 35 minutes again despite not feeling well enough for that and the fact that there was a fair amount of wind at times, but obviously failed, as that was pretty much all I could do. Was obvious after the first lap that about 35:10 was the best time I could hope for and then the attempts to go faster on the second lap’s final sector, after managing the exact same time for the first two, obviously failed, seeing as I was eight seconds slower. And then the final sector was pretty much a matter of struggling to get to the end, though I did manage to sprint for those final meters.