Cav's Place

With two posts already written this week and this needing to be a personal one on a Sunday, even considered not writing a July 12 post this year. That did happen once before, in 2015, but it feels like a sacrilege and that fact still weighs on me, even more so since it was a milestone, the tenth July 12 I spent alone. And this is the 15th, so I definitely couldn’t do it again, and I also won’t do what I ended up doing in 2018 and 2019, when the July 12 posts ended up being about running. That definitely felt wrong as well, but those excellent runs from back then worked to some extent as an excuse, while now I’m struggling, unable to even get back to what used to be regular, “safe” times, and have no new runs to mention anyway.
Still, I’ll say that, while my leg muscles definitely feel like something’s wrong, which at this point, in order to avoid more troubling possibilities, I’m thinking might be a lack of magnesium and/or potassium, they seem to be working well enough for squats, since I timed them again today and somehow managed 2:06, matching the record! Now that I checked that post again, I also noticed that I had written November each time I should have written December, in the paragraph about the squats and in another one as well, and somehow missed it so far, so I corrected that, but to get back to the squats, this time I actually saw 1:01 at 50 and again was tiring at 70, losing speed, was quite exhausted by 85, but I just kept pushing, saw 2:01 at 95 and that same 2:06 at the end. Makes me think that I should start timing them regularly again, and aim for an actual new record, but who knows if gaining even one more second is actually possible, and it’s not what this post should be about anyway.

Back on topic, I did recently send her another e-mail, which obviously got lost in the void, and the situation over there adds to my usual fears and concerns, so it’s not like I’m thinking about her any less, which is what the lack of such a post might indicate, but in fact quite the contrary for quite some time now, for this reason and also, I believe, as a consequence of finding Elena P.. Not that there’s anything good about that, of course, or that there was any moment back then when I was in contact with both of them, but there are some mental links, to that general period but also some more direct ones, and the pretty obvious fact that I doubt anything’d have happened with Andra without things going the way they did with Elena P. first.
It’s actually something I’ve kept thinking about over the years, and I’m not sure I’d have even agreed to meet Andra and go on that trip together without spending that time with Elena P. the way we did, and thinking that maybe I had lost the person I at the time thought had been the best friend I ever had, and possibly could ever have, because we didn’t end up being more than friends, and possibly even specifically because I backed out of what would have easily been a kiss, quite clearly had a lot to do with not backing away again, and in fact directly going for it, the instant that situation seemed to present itself again, with Andra, and smoothly moving from friends to more than that pretty much the very next moment.
Not that the outcome was different in the end, but in between there were over three years with plenty of good moments, including the only ones when I thought this life might just be worth living after all, and the future might just be something I could even look forward to, at least on a personal level, instead of this bleak, hopeless, terrifying source of constant anxiety, depression and even actual horror. It became even worse after that, of course, and so did the present, and all these nearly 15 years that passed since she left, but at the same time the fact that those three years and the good moments in them did exist is the only fuel I have for this whisper of a shred of hope left that maybe I’ll have that again someday. An entirely false hope, of course, only created and maintained even at this purely theoretical level by my mind because I’m still around and must hang on to something, possibly at times hiding to some extent the fact that the only reason why I’m still here is that I was, and still am, too much of a coward… And that the end, however it would come, without something happening first that’d make both all the suffering and the use of resources be worth it, is a too disappointing prospect, to put it mildly, and getting ever more so the more time that passes.

But there’s nothing new there, so I guess I’ll add one more thing on another topic here, before finishing this post, since that actually is new. I’m referring to the fact that I finished Lionheart this evening. Was close to the end last night and just pushed through this evening, making sure I kept everyone alive, the Lightning WarGolem tending to die until I figured out just how to prevent my companions from putting themselves too much in harm’s way too soon. Since the experience received right there at the end got me to level 52, I also used the Here and Now feat to get to 53, therefore getting the benefits of another level for free, since I got another feat then. Now I’m left with a huge pile of notes taken while playing it, 920 words that are just one messy paragraph, and wondering when or even if I’ll write a proper review for it, since it has exactly three on MobyGames and I keep saying I mean to try to write one for any game I finish that has less than three and won’t bother for those that have more, but will decide on a case by case basis when there are exactly three.

Later edit: Oh, seems like there’s one more thing to add about this July 12, and that’s that there were no visits recorded again.

The server status page hadn’t updated since June 16, 14:50:03 UTC, and BOINC‘s scheduler requests had only resulted in messages that the project was temporarily shut down for maintenance, so in case anyone still had work units and wasn’t just holding on to them, they couldn’t report them either. But at least the message boards still worked, the whole site usually only reporting that it was down for maintenance at the usual time, on Tuesdays. However, this week that changed, and now it seems that SETI@home truly did shut down for good, without even an announcement stating that it was going to happen, since it’s Friday and it’s yet to return from this week’s maintenance outage, and I just noticed yesterday that the response received by BOINC had changed as of Monday evening. Had last attempted a connection and received the maintenance response at 1:34:14 PM UTC on Monday, July 6, and then connected again at 11:43:39 PM UTC and the response was “Server error: feeder not running”.
The last work unit I had listed had one last user who hadn’t reported a result when the lists stopped being updated, the deadline being June 25, but there were others saying they had some left that had users with deadlines even in the second half of July, and I believe someone digging through lists found something only expiring in August as well, though I’m not sure of that anymore. And there were also some saying that a few of the most active hosts were still returning some results, after likely using tricks to hoard huge numbers. But, while the questions remained unanswered and this was therefore never confirmed, it was almost certain that all work units had already been validated, these results only serving to allow those users to gather more credit before the end, and also keep a higher recent average credit, and some were suggesting that this permanent “maintenance” reported to BOINC even though the site worked was just a way to “punish” them for trying this, albeit while also hurting those who still actually had computers working on the remaining work units. But with that work being unnecessary, nobody being able to find any work unit that wasn’t already validated among what those hosts still had in progress, and some demanding all along to have those remaining tasks canceled, there were few complaints, people just hoping that the message boards will remain operational. And the original announcement clearly stated that the site and message boards will continue to operate, so there seemed to be little reason for concern… Yet, on top of it being a rotten move to shut it down completely in this manner, without saying so or even answering those asking what’s happening, at the moment it doesn’t seem like the project managers are keeping their word even when it comes to the message boards.

On a personal level, this also means that I’ll only get to 21 years in the project in the sense that I’ll keep BOINC attached to it, but since that day will come on July 15, it’ll be just about a month after the project stopped allowing any sort of computing activity and, unless the situation changes again by then, over a week after it was taken down for good, even the message boards and much of the site going away. But, of course, I will consider myself as having stayed with the project for the full 21 years even in that case, and will keep BOINC attached to it and leave it with the highest resource share indefinitely, just in case it’ll ever come back to life… And for old times’ sake even if it won’t.

After my parents left Thursday evening, I managed to nap for about an hour, and then when I went out of the kitchen while making the salad later I saw another one of those large black cockroaches, this time right there, among the shoes, and it didn’t escape. Otherwise, Liza doesn’t seem to be hissing at Micky anymore, after that first day of having her back here, but it’s quite messed up to see all the places my parents put water and food for them in, and of course Micky still doesn’t really get to eat unless Liza is kept away, since otherwise she’ll rush to her and chase her away as soon as she hears her starting to eat, no matter where she is. And with Micky basically just licking her food a little at a time, then searching for it again some time later, and Liza clearing anything she finds in seconds, the only way for Micky to get to eat any significant amount is if someone keeps an eye on her and gives her food just when she wants some, keeping Liza away, then hides it away again.

Wasn’t sure what I meant to do when I went to bed Friday morning, having to go out for bread and preferring to go early, but at the same time really needing to sleep, so I spent some time thinking about it when I first woke up, but then checked the time, saw 8:59 AM and decided to get up, leaving at 9:45 AM. Should have taken the recyclables as well, but completely forgot, though at least I didn’t forget to take a backpack, to be able to keep something off my hands if I’ll again find discounted cat litter.
Knowing that I had found those unannounced discounts at that other Carrefour last time, I went there, also thinking that if I’ll again find that kind of bread at half price, there may be a chance to find some of it unsliced as well, in which case I wouldn’t have to go to Kaufland anymore. Another purpose of the trip was to get an oven thermometer, but the store selling the one I had found on-line has locations in both of these malls, so that didn’t influence the decision to go that way. It was weird that, after having a look through a bookstore that’s on the same floor, I looked all over that store, being there alone with the two employees for several minutes, correctly identified the area where that thermometer should be, but somehow missed it, so I eventually had to ask for it and the employee just picked one up and handed it to me.
With it in my pocket, went in Carrefour and saw that cat litter was indeed still at that discounted price, but that bread was at the full price, so I had to go to Kaufland too after all. But I could get the cat litter later, and that also went for the cabbage, the discount I had seen for that being my main reason for being there but plenty of it looking good enough to not feel a need to grab one right away. However, I didn’t leave without purchases, since I also found a few more of those very cheap eggs. I think there were seven or eight left, but only three were still intact, albeit rather dirty because of the others, so I grabbed those three and the cloves I also wanted, then left them and the thermometer in a cabinet.
I was still undecided which Kaufland to go to when I walked out of that mall, but eventually headed towards that newer one again, to finally pass by that recycling center during working hours, confirming that it is indeed open. The reward for cans or plastic bottles still isn’t listed there though, and when I passed by another one, which I believe is operated by the same company, on my way back from this summer’s Dream Trek, I saw an amount that was 25% lower for cans and PET painted over on the list, making me think that they weren’t even accepting plastic bottles anymore. But I saw piles of them there, so they are still accepting them, though I have no idea if they still offer anything in exchange and wasn’t about to go in to ask.
In Kaufland, I meant to just get the bread I wanted, if it’d still be available, and leave, and things looked good when I saw that there were six left, so this time around I took a glove right away and grabbed four. Took a single large paper bag for them, however, and while they fit just fine, the corner of one of them tore it, which tends to be a risk with this bread, considering the shape and the hard crust, so I took a second bag and struggled for quite some time to get the first one inside it, as it somehow didn’t seem to fit at all and this second bag was just tearing along one side. But by the time I managed to at least get it to cover that torn corner, I had also noticed the pile of bread that was discounted because it expired the following day which was in that area, so I spent quite some time looking at that and checking most of them individually, even though all but two were of the same kind. All of it sliced and white, so obviously not for myself, but I eventually got one of each for dad… And then, on my way to the self-checkout, saw onions for an even lower price than at Carrefour, so I calculated what I could still fit in what I had taken before leaving and grabbed a few of those as well. That caused a little confusion, since it was apparently one of those discounts that’s applied at the end, so when I saw the price drop I didn’t immediately realize that it dropped to what it should have been in the first place, making me put everything in a cabinet, meaning to get back in and buy some more, thinking there had been an additional discount and I could fit a few more in what I had. But I then actually calculated again, realized what had happened, took everything back out of that cabinet and left…
I’m not sure how or why do I keep walking into spiderwebs, but soon after leaving Kaufland it happened again. I was just walking on the sidewalk, moments before a guy coming from the opposite direction would have passed through the same spot, and I suddenly found myself with a strand pretty much on my eyes, and this time I just tried to not actually touch my eyes or the mask, but did touch my face, head and ears, trying to get rid of as much of it as I could and again wondering whether the spider was on me as well. Felt something on my arm just as I was getting back to Carrefour and when I looked I saw something, but at first glance it looked more like an ant, though the legs seemed to get too far from its body and I didn’t count them, just quickly shaking it away.
Had already realized by then that I was going to have another problem, however, since I was going to need all the money I still had to even be able to get a rather small cabbage on top of the two bags of cat litter, and that Carrefour still requires a 0.50 RON coin to lock a cabinet, and on top of what I already had in there, I had to add my purchases from Kaufland too. Looked around for a bit, but all I could find was a 0.05 RON coin, so I simply stuffed everything in the cabinet, being careful to put the eggs on top and arrange things so they won’t press against the cabinet door and open it, and left it unlocked, visibly so, since you can’t remove the key without a coin, hoping nobody’ll take my things as I rushed inside and grabbed what I wanted… Which I couldn’t do as quickly as I hoped, since being in such a hurry made me miscalculate how much I still had left for cabbage, thinking I could get two smaller ones after all, trying to find good enough ones of the right size and eventually tricking the scales to reduce the weight by about 70 grams in order to make them fit in what I thought I had… Only to realize as I was standing in line that I couldn’t afford that after all, running back, just weighing the slightly larger cabbage again, leaving the other one and finally checking out.
Breathed a sigh of relief when I found everything still in that cabinet, then spent quite some time first struggling to stuff one of the bags of cat litter in the backpack, adding the onions on top of it as well, then arranging the other things in bags and trying to carefully remove the labels off the bag I had used for the cabbages, when I thought I could get two, the label I had placed on the remaining cabbage also ending up stuck to the inside of that bag. It was 1:30 PM when I was finally relatively content and walked away, but stopped again to use some disinfectant before leaving that mall, that dispenser working that time. Arranged things a little more then as well, and when I checked the time after taking a few steps outside I saw it was already 1:37 PM… And I still wasn’t exactly content with how things were arranged, so I stopped a few more times, at first thinking I could turn the bag I had around my neck around in order to have it on my back as well, then realizing it was choking me and getting it back to its normal position, then worrying about the eggs. The last time I stopped was just after getting back in the park after crossing the road, when I took the bag with those eggs out and held it separately and in front of the other bags, which seemed the safest way to hold it. Didn’t actually weigh what I carried that time, but it should have added up to about 18 kg, probably up to 19 kg if you add everything in my pockets and the bags and backpack.
It was 2 PM when I got here, so despite leaving that early because I hoped to avoid the worst of the heat, that was exactly when I ended up being outside. And, even though dad had left by then, it was only 4:35 PM when I got on-line. In between, also ended up losing a little 0.01 RON coin in the sink, that drain allowing such a little one to slip around it. After showering, pulled that thing up and saw it still there, but couldn’t pull it all the way back up using a stick and then a finger, and after it slipped back down several times it eventually fell down the drain, so now it’s probably stuck a bit farther down, where it bends, and will likely remain there. But maybe it was one of the four found in the self-checkout machine at Kaufland, and in total, adding the 0.10 RON one that was on the floor when I first checked out at Carrefour and that one found after I got back there, I had found a total of 0.19 RON that day, some of it actually ending up being needed, since I had a mere 0.12 RON left. Otherwise, did nap a little that evening, but late and probably for less than one hour… And then found a long hair in that cheese bought after the embarrassingly slow run, quite obviously having been there since I bought it, which was quite gross and concerning. And, speaking of concerning, my right eye has been bothering me a little since then, watering occasionally.

Was getting even more concerned when I was about to go to bed Sunday morning, since something seemed odd with my throat as well, and the feeling was still there after I woke up. But what I had eaten that night might have caused that, and it eventually went away, though Monday night there was an occasional rather sharp pain in one spot in my throat, I think where I thought something swallowed a few days before had scratched me on the way down, that spot possibly also being around one of those lumps I have there. To return to Sunday, there were no visits recorded that day, and I finished one of those sudoku magazines bought by dad, since it was so laughably easy… With the exception of one puzzle which actually had a typo, so it was impossible to solve normally… And then, before going to bed that night, or Monday morning if you prefer, I sent Andra another e-mail, just asking her to take care. It probably got lost in the void, of course, and I did consider using Goodreads again, but there was no point in risking that one more time if the result was the same and she doesn’t seem to be actively using it anymore anyway.

Tuesday I timed the squats again, doing them in 2:10 despite being in the kitchen, towards the end of almost four hours spent standing there, cooking, and not even preparing the moment at all, having a look and seeing that the time was just about to get to 87:00 in the match that was on at the time, so it was my very last chance to use it for this. Then I actually did a second series at night, after eating, though slower and obviously without timing, to count for the next day… And then I redeemed and downloaded Hero-U: Rogue to Redemption, after asking for it just before midnight and having it granted just after midnight, so actually on July 8, again from The Community Giveaway on the GOG.com forums, the game yet again being donated by the same person I already received so many others from. He didn’t make his own giveaway again now, instead donating a huge list to The Community Giveaway, which was put up in three batches, and I happened to be able to check soon enough after this last and largest one was posted to still see this there, so I went for it, despite obviously feeling even more indebted and embarrassed as a result.

With a high around 24-25°C, no risk of rain and, according to the forecast, not much wind either, yesterday was clearly the day to run, and while the alarm was set to ring at 2:30 PM, to be safe, I woke up for the last time around 1:05 PM and after a few minutes decided to slowly get up. Had the usual stuff plus almonds, and those wheat things with jam as something sweet, since I had some again, but just wasted time on the toilet the first time. Tried again a bit later though, since I was in no hurry, and that time it worked. Went out at 3:40 PM, wearing the full running gear… And quickly realized that, since it was mostly sunny, it still felt hot outside, despite that much lower reported temperature.
That was another reason why I decided to push from the beginning, knowing that heat will make it even harder to maintain a pace, but I meant to do so anyway, since one of the less concerning reasons I can think of for the current loss of performance is that, while parks were closed, I got used to not push harder when I can, leaving too much for later, when I’m no longer able to push anyway. It still didn’t work, I still didn’t get back under 48 minutes, but at least it wasn’t an even more embarrassing result. Was thinking to continue to 16 km if it’d be clear I won’t even stay under 48:30, and even more so if I’d be in danger of even going over 49 minutes, assuming I’d realize it before completely exhausting myself trying to avoid it, but the time was 48:16.53, with sector times of 4:18.87, 4:59.09, 5:52 (5:51.99), 4:26 (4:25.29), 5:00 (4:59.96), 5:54.06, 4:32 (4:31.89), 5:12.13, 6:06 (6:05.84) and 1:57.41, making for lap times of 15:09.95, 15:20 (15:19.31) and 15:50 (15:49.86). So I managed a good first lap, in fact the second fastest overall since I could get back to the park, after lap two when I could first run there again, when I covered 16 km. And then lap two was just on the pace which would normally be needed to stay under 48 minutes. But that took a toll, and lap three was the second slowest out of all the laps covered when I ran ten kilometers since I could get back to the park, and this time I didn’t have the crowded park as an excuse. Worse, the final sector was the slowest one in just over one year, since that same run done under very hot conditions that’s the last one over 48 minutes until I got back to the park now.
In terms of problems, the park wasn’t crowded, so there was some weaving and going the long way around, but I wouldn’t say that even the few larger groups that acted like they owned the path really caused me to lose time, even if I had to search for a way through as I approached them and even go around them on the grass a few times. There were also occasional clouds, but when it was sunny and I wasn’t in the shade, it did feel hotter than I expected it to feel before leaving, though I already mentioned that I knew that to be the case before I even got to the park. And there were some gusts in some areas as well, but probably the one that was a real problem was right at the end, on that last, and sunny, part of the final straight, when the wind suddenly picked up so much I felt I could hardly move against it. Otherwise, there was a bit of pain at the back of my left thigh, just above the knee, from the beginning, lessening slowly, only really going away around the time I slowed down, and there were also a few warnings from my right knee on lap two. But the main issue was just that I couldn’t maintain that pace on lap three, feeling from sector one that I was just drained, and possibly like I wasn’t getting quite enough oxygen.
What’s somewhat more frustrating is that the time on sector one of lap three would have still given me a chance to stay under 48 minutes. But that’d have required gaining a total of a little over a second compared to what used to be my “safe” targets over this distance, the times I was sure to manage if there were no serious problems, from then on, and instead I lost almost 15 and a half. Did once again find myself thinking, after I got back, that I could have pushed harder, that maybe I had lost focus and “forgot” to really use all the energy I had left towards the end, especially after seeing that time on sector two of lap three and realizing I had no chance to stay under 48 minutes anymore, but it sure didn’t feel like there was anything more I could have done at the time. Then again, I didn’t feel that exhausted even on the way back, and by the time I got back here I was quite fine, so maybe there was something left after all, and what I forgot during that period when I couldn’t run through the park anymore was just how to tap into those reserves.

I’ll add here that my body decided to wake me by cleaning some plumbing again this morning, and did it at a particularly inopportune time, between dad getting back and him going to bed, so I had to wait and eventually put on my shorts to go to the bathroom to pee and clean up a bit more. But later it woke me again much more unpleasantly, with a cramp in my right calf, which calf hurts and feels particularly tense even now. The left one bothers me a bit as well, and I think I just managed to avoid a cramp there when I stretched after waking up again, but that’s less of an issue. But something like this after only ten kilometers, and with such a poor time as well, only serves to confirm yet again that something’s definitely not right…

Recently, I finally created a section on the site for the list of bands and artists, so it won’t just be a pretty much hidden page anymore, but I haven’t done anything else with it. Worse, haven’t been checking that Power of Female Fronted Metal group for the past six months, the situation with my Internet access being what it is and going through potential new finds and possibly adding them to the list taking quite a lot of time, so I have a single new find during this entire period, as a result of an ad on YouTube that I actually listened to and found interesting. Still, even if mainly to avoid a fifth personal post in a row, I want to add another post to this series now. It’ll be another short one, with just three entries, and at the time I’m starting to write it I don’t even have any idea what the third will be, while the second will be anything but a new find, for me or, most probably, nearly everyone else with any interest in the genre. But I’ve been meaning to add it to such a post for a while, ever since I found out, several months after the fact, that they released a new album, and I’ve done this before, with Xandria, for the same reason.

That sole actual new find during this entire period is Moran Magal, so a singer-songwriter, but there are of course other people involved, to play the instruments used, with the exception of piano and keyboards. Something of a mixed bag overall, I’d say switching between a few different genres as well, some of which I’m not exactly fond of, but enjoyed some of the songs a fair bit. That obviously includes the song that made me discover her, Always Something, from her most recent album, which also seems to be her only full, proper one so far, so I’ll go with that as my first pick. As for the second, I listened to her first EP too, and I’ll go with Feel Again. But you can listen to pretty much everything yourself if you’re interested.

Next, the band too well-known to even put on the list would be Visions of Atlantis. I’ve known them for well over a decade, possibly closer to 15 years, but found myself quite impressed with the album they released last year, after only learning about it relatively recently. My expectations had definitely increased after their previous album, and for this reason I wouldn’t say I was completely blown away by this one, and there are a few weaker songs as well, but it is nevertheless quite impressive. It’s not easy to pick one song from it, so I’ll just pick out of the few they also have videos for, going with Nothing Lasts Forever for the moment. I’ll go way back for the second pick though, maybe as a way to show how they evolved since then. Not that this is easy, as there are a few others I’d have wanted to add here as well, earlier ones showing even more of an evolution, but I’ll stick to my usual rule and go with Seven Seas, since I remember how stuck I was on this for quite a long time back then, and I’m sure that this was the exact link I excitedly sent a few people at the time.

As for the third entry in this post, since I started with a singer, not a band, I’ll end with one as well, and that’s Eurielle. She’s also clearly quite well-known by now, but perhaps to a somewhat different crowd, and maybe it’s not exactly what you’d expect to see in such a post. Then again, in other ways, perhaps it is. Either way, a lovely voice and songs that just carry you away with them. Again, it’d be hard to pick if I’d go through everything, so I’m again making it much easier for myself and sticking just to those she has proper videos for, and I’ll exclude the collaborations as well, which leaves me with As the Skies Cascade as a clear pick out of the recent releases. As for something older, that’s harder, and I may well choose another if you’d ask me again, but at the moment I’ll go with Hate Me. But do listen to more yourself, maybe with your eyes closed and, I’ll say it again, allowing yourself to be carried away, maybe in a soothing daydream. Highly recommended, perhaps even more so in times like these.

Sunday there were no visits recorded again, and Liza behaved even more oddly as I was eating at night. Had left the door open and at one point she just came in and curled up next to me, being really calm and quiet, and after a bit seemed to ask to be scratched. Hissed at me when I sat back down after getting up at one point, but then was nice again, and when I finished eating I did scratch her for a while and she let me. After that, saw another one of those black cockroaches, albeit one of a more normal size, this time on the hallway, in front of the bathroom, and could kill it.

Monday I was worried that the woman who was to come to get the jars and bottles will wake me earlier, since I said it could be at 1 PM and she said she’ll call in the morning to settle any details, but she called some ten minutes after I got up, which was around 11:45 AM, after it sounded like dad dropped or knocked something down just before getting the key in the door when he returned after buying some things before going to my mother. Not that I hadn’t woken up a couple of times before that too, but then that happened and it was another rough awakening, and when I saw the time I decided to get up after a few minutes. So I was already up and dad had already left when that woman called, and I told her she could even come in about a quarter of an hour, which she did, calling again when she was in front of the building. I took the bags down at that point, spotted a car on the other side of the street and assumed that was her, but wasn’t sure, so I was still looking around when a man came out of said car and waved to me, and I crossed the street and handed him the bags. Meant to just give him two and take the other two there myself, but he said he’ll take all of them, so I handed them over and crossed back, and she just called out to me from the car to wave, and possibly make sure I knew I had given them to her and not some random man. Didn’t get anything in return, but at least I got rid of all those things and gave them to someone who’s likely to actually reuse them, or at least most of them.

Tuesday dad again got back and turned on his computer, being connected, without me realizing it, saying he thought I was asleep even though I told him I’ll get in bed after he gets back. And when I asked how long ago that was, he said he had arrived some seven or eight minutes earlier, but ate something and fed Liza first, so must have turned it on only some three minutes before, yet when I checked the logs after he left I saw it had been on for a good ten minutes at the time I asked. And this coming soon after I had again reminded him that the router’s in his room, so he can see if I’m connected at all times, and he again asked how and said he’ll know from then on after again I told him, not that I had any reason to believe he’d still remember even moments later…
On that note, he didn’t even remember that I had told him multiple times that I was going to rest, whether I’ll actually manage to sleep or not, until he’ll leave that evening. So I dropped the connection matter at the time, got in bed, actually managed to fall asleep, woke up to pee after about an hour, managed to fall asleep again, yet again woke up to pee about an hour later, yet again got back in bed, most likely didn’t manage to fall asleep again, but meant to stay there until 9 PM… Only to hear him leaving and jumping out of bed, assuming I had somehow fallen asleep again and it was past 9 PM already, only to see that it was in fact 8:59 PM and yet he was just walking out the door when I rushed out of my room, completely ignoring me when I tried to say something even if he only had a foot out at first… And then sending me an e-mail from work asking whether he imagined it or I came out just as he was leaving, and complaining that he didn’t even eat or shave so he won’t make noise while I was apparently awake, and saying that he kept telling me to come out of my room if I’m awake, so he’ll know he doesn’t have to be quiet. This, again, after I had just told him, repeatedly, that I was going to rest, whether I’ll manage to sleep or not, until he’ll leave that evening. But at least I did manage to sleep a bit, and then stuffed myself later, taking it slowly, eating most of it in my room, while spending some more time on-line, only finishing, with quite a lot of jam, around 2:15 AM. Also made the tea I was going to need in the morning, and eventually got back in bed at 3:30 AM.

Rather surprisingly, managed to fall asleep that morning, and rather quickly too. And when I did wake up a while later, it wasn’t because I needed to pee, despite the salad that included tomatoes eaten at night. And then I got back to sleep, again quickly, and while I did wake up when dad got back, I still didn’t need to pee and yet again got back to sleep, albeit for a very short time, until the alarm rang, at 6 AM. Then had an orange, since I didn’t have apples anymore, but the usual stuff plus almonds otherwise, and the last of some old raisins in chocolate as something sweet. Just wasted time on the toilet twice though, despite feeling like I should have managed something, and also drank all the tea before leaving, so there was a fair bit of additional weight to carry around. But there was nothing to do about it, and I left at 8 AM, wearing the full running gear but being somewhat uncertain about the temperature, though it might be relatively safe to list something averaging around 24°C, give or take, over the duration of the run.
The problem is, I have a rather hard time even calling this a run. To think that I took money with me and had plans to get myself a little something if I’ll manage to at least stay under 1:45, something more if I’ll stay under 1:44, and actually look for something specific and ask dad for the money for it if I’ll find it if I’ll get under 1:43, and even more so if it won’t be just barely under 1:43 but actually a new record. These last targets seemed quite impossible to begin with, but I did actually think I had a shot at staying under 1:45 even when I started, and maybe to some extent even after the first sector time, thinking I should be able to do a little better after that. However, after the second sector it was clear that the best I could hope for was 1:50, and if at first I was saying that I’ll decide after lap four whether that remains a realistic target or not, at the start of lap two I was already calculating the targets for what worked out to 1:54. At the time I was still thinking of it as a worst case scenario, but after lap three it clearly remained the only realistic one, and towards the end I even found myself needing to allow for 1:55, though that turned out to not be necessary, albeit only barely. To list numbers, the time was an awful 1:53:56, with sector times of 4:31, 5:14, 6:09, 4:39, 5:21, 6:14, 4:48, 5:30, 6:29, 4:59, 5:43, 6:44, 5:05, 5:50, 6:52, 5:19, 6:05, 7:03, 2:07, 7:07 and 2:07, making for lap times of 15:54, 16:14, 16:47, 17:26, 17:47 and 18:27, plus 11:21 for the final portion.
Seeing how much I was slowing each lap, and in fact each sector, makes it clear I wasn’t holding anything back, giving it whatever I had at every point and being left with less and less all the time. And you can say I was exhausted from the beginning, since normally over six minutes on sector three means I’m clearly tired and I had 6:09 on the very first lap. And then I found myself forced to slow down so much that I ended up with a lap six that was the third slowest lap I ever ran through the park, not counting the later laps when I ran 11, in September of 2018. In fact, lap six was a few seconds faster even then, only the following five being slower, while otherwise the only slower ones were also the last full laps, the first two times I ran a half marathon distance through the park, in April of 2016 and March of 2017. Those are also the only slower runs over this distance through the park, though I otherwise was also slower the first two times I took part in the Bucharest Half Marathon, so in May of 2016 and 2017. What’s more, that first lap six was a mere second slower, and not having exact times means it might not have in fact been slower after all. And I was already faster the third time I ran this distance through the park, in April of 2017, so before that year’s Bucharest Half Marathon.
I saw a few people just finishing their runs as I entered the park, and otherwise the first lap seemed somewhat similar to the second half of the marathon I ran in terms of the number of runners I was seeing. It’s likely an exaggeration, but that was the thought I had, and there really were a lot of them. Their numbers dropped a fair bit after that, but there probably were more than I’m normally used to all the way to the end… And, surprisingly, considering how slow I was, a single one of those going in the same direction passed me. That guy went past me and got lost in the distance so quickly it felt I was barely walking, if not standing, and seemed to be sustaining that pace completely effortlessly, without even trying, but otherwise there was another guy who was slightly faster than me but stopped after a few hundred meters, and other than that I was still passing people even on that final portion, when I felt I was barely moving.
In terms of problems, some areas were quite windy, but what I definitely felt right away was all the food eaten the night before and the fact that I hadn’t taken a shit in the morning, and that held me back a fair bit on the first lap, though that feeling of being full lessened after that. Did feel the need to take a shit, at the start of laps three, possibly five, and six, as well as that final portion, but even if those last two times it seemed to become quite an emergency for a little while, it always went away quickly. As for physical issues, there was a little knee pain, I believe on sector one of lap three, but that went away quickly, multiple things seeming to fail only on sector one of lap six, when both calves were threatening with cramps and I felt a sharp pain under my ribs, on the left, probably caused by that bone spur. This was hard to push through for a moment, but on the next sector I managed to snap my back in a way that lessened it and I could continue. Going up the stairs on that final portion was hard though, even if I couldn’t really say that anything was still hurting at that point, and I pretty much walked while doing so both times, unable to even really try to run anymore.
Other than that, the number of runners didn’t mean that the park was crowded in general, people causing few problems. There was a moment, on sector two of lap one, when I had to squeeze past one of those trucks just when another runner was doing the same, coming from the opposite direction, so we both had to slow down a little. Then, if I remember correctly, it was only on sector two of lap five that a kid on a bicycle was staring at his front wheel and weaving all over the place, almost running right into me despite the path being almost completely clear otherwise, forcing me to briefly stop and step aside, and I saw that kid and the other one who was following him a few more times until the end, always behaving in the same manner, though I managed to avoid any further problems caused by them. Past that, on the next sector, a little girl, also on a bicycle, seemed uncertain whether to follow her mother or go around me on the other side and I had to slow down a little until she made up her mind, and on sector one of lap six there was what I believe was the only roadblock. This actually involved two runners, who noticed that I was approaching from behind and tried to clear the way, but didn’t exactly have anywhere to go, so I had to slow and eventually get around them on the grass.

After pushing so hard on the final straight to just barely manage to stay under 1:54, I felt I could barely walk anymore, and my left hip and right knee were hurting quite badly. But I had money with me and wanted the trip to at least be of some use, so I went to the farmers’ market, even if I didn’t have bags as well. Stopped on two benches on the way, first to write down the times and then what I could remember about the issues I had during the run, then got to that market, starting to feel somewhat better on the way.
First looked for apples, actually finding a person selling some quite sour ones, which I wouldn’t have bought otherwise and which were twice the price that kind used to be, and also twice the price I’d care to pay for apples, but I got some anyway. Also saw cheap green onions, tomatoes and cucumbers and got some of each, as well as some cheese. Was mainly looking for cheap stuff, but in a way it was also a way to punish myself, that cheese in particular not being something I’d get out of money I mean to spend for myself, and dad’s usually the one getting tomatoes and cucumbers too. In case of the tomatoes, bought the entire pile of the cheapest kind an old woman had and only noticed after asking for all of them that she had one of those old scales, with weights, and was wondering if I’ll get tricked, but after she placed all of that pile on the scales, she said a little more was needed to reach 1.5 kg, added one or two more from a pile of, I guess, somewhat better ones, and when I went to the scales set there just as a way to verify, saw 1.515 kg.
In terms of masks, hardly any in sight, and while that farmers’ market is outdoors, they would be recommended at least for those selling, and there are some small shops as well, including the one I bought the cheese from, and those serving there didn’t have masks either and, while they’re selling to customers who stay outside, they are inside, so masks would be mandatory. And it was quite crowded too. And I’ll also add here that I witnessed a weird moment as I was wandering around, an older woman being asked by a young man what could he serve her with as she walked past his stall, showing no interest whatsoever, and when she said she didn’t want anything he shouted after her, asking why was she in a market if not to purchase, just taking a walk, why be there if not to buy things, and a couple of others from nearby stalls started laughing. What the fuck was that?
Got back here at 11:35 AM. Made some more tea, put the purchases in their place, ate one of those apples, some watermelon and something sweet, and then got myself some of that food cooked by dad as well, using a bag of those little bagels bought from Kaufland instead of bread, after he left to bring my mother here until the next day, to clean the bathroom that I honestly keep being too afraid to do anything about, considering the huge amount of mold everywhere, and also bring back Micky, who doesn’t seem to manage to deal with Bella either after all, still being bothered and running and hiding and eating poorly because of that, though she clearly won’t do any better here with Liza either. However, as I got on the computer and on-line, I suddenly felt that I was about to shit myself, and my attempts to hold it were clearly about to fail, so I left the food here, grabbed my towel and underwear and rushed to the bathroom, to also take a shower after using the toilet. Then I finished eating, also grabbed a few of the sweet things from a bag dad had bought for my mother, and later some chocolate as well, after she asked if I didn’t like it, seeing it untouched after she had sent it to me quite a long time ago. So I was at some four times the amount of sweets I’d like to stick to in a day, and about twice that I really don’t want to allow myself to exceed, which isn’t good, and it also came after all that jam the night before, but I guess I could allow it on that particular day. Also napped a little in the evening, but only for about one hour… And then spent an embarrassingly long time struggling with a sudoku which shouldn’t even have been one of the supposedly hard ones, my brain seeming just unable to wrap itself around it, despite having easily completed another before that nap. Did another one after that though, and that went well enough.

Meant to sleep more today, obviously, but woke up when dad went out to buy the other things my mother wanted before going back to my grandmother’s. Tried to get back to sleep, but I was sort of in that state, between asleep and awake, when he got back and I fully woke up again, deciding to go to the toilet and then try again… Only for them to start talking while in different rooms and then my mother going to continue cleaning the bathroom, having him help for a bit as well, leading to quite a lot of noise, so I was in bed for about another hour or so, but there was no chance to sleep and I eventually got up, I think at about 1:40 PM, or maybe a bit before that time. Quite annoyed, obviously, and exhausted, and after I got to the kitchen dad came and said it was good he saw me there because he didn’t know whether I was awake or not. Well, I was hoping to not be awake, but there’s no chance of that, is there?