Cav's Place

The daily protests continued during this period, as when I looked for them I even found a couple of posts mentioning a few people who showed up, again in Victory Square, even on December 25 and 26, but otherwise I haven’t seen these daily protests promoted or even mentioned by the activists or pages I’d normally check after December 23. As such, I’ll just set aside this part about the daily protests after mentioning that the event created for December 21 called for people to circle the Parliament in their cars, motorcycles or bicycles while the regulars continued the protest in the designated area, a few posts mentioning that some did do that for a while, and that the last event I saw created for such a daily protest at the Parliament, without any other special plans, was on December 22.

Moving on, last week’s main protest was scheduled on Saturday instead of Sunday, and people were also asked to start arriving in Victory Square at 4 PM, which was obviously far too early and just caused the handful who did arrive around that time to stand around for quite some time for no reason. Knowing that, I took my time and only got there at 5:40 PM, spending some five or so minutes longer going around the area before joining the others, not that there were that many more even then. Still, there were some 300, or even just 200 according to some media estimates, when the march did eventually start, at 7 PM, one hour later than planned.
Some of the protesters may have already left by then and it was obvious that many of the rest weren’t going to stay much longer if nothing was going to happen, which those who have become the more known faces of these Victory Square protests pointed out to the gendarmes when they explained why they wanted to start marching then, with so few, despite having apparently told them earlier that we’ll leave when 500 will gather. Not that the explanation did much good, the gendarmes obviously being quite pleased with the prospect of the protest simply ending there, without a march, but eventually we did leave, albeit only being allowed to use the sidewalk, plus the bicycle lane on a part of the route, considering the numbers.
Not much to be said otherwise, but since I did write down a few more times, I will say we reached the Royal Palace at 7:35 PM, stopping for a bit to hold a moment of silence, and got to the Parliament around 8:10 PM, joining the others who had chosen to go there directly a few minutes later. I guess some more people may have joined on the way, but the number of participants didn’t grow significantly and plenty of those who had participated in the march started leaving soon after reaching the Parliament. I for one wandered around a little, took the last of the evening’s pictures, and left as well at 8:30 PM.

Otherwise, on the morning of December 23, 43 groups and organizations involved in this year’s protests sent an open letter to the Prime Minister, requesting a meeting in order to have a “calm and rational” discussion about the current situation. That same day, the Prime Minister replied and agreed, offering December 27 as the date. As a result, seven representatives of those organizations met with him yesterday morning, stating that they do not go there to negotiate, but to demand, the demands being to immediately request the opinion of the Venice Commission regarding the proposed changes to the justice system, to delay the entry into force of these changes until the Commission will present its opinion regarding them, and to remove the Minister of Justice from office. In addition, at least one of the representatives brought up the matter of the way in which the public gatherings law is interpreted when it comes to protests, a discussion with representatives of the Gendarmerie apparently being supposed to follow as a result.
At the end of the meeting, the representatives of the organizations stated that they were disappointed with the result, though I’m wondering why did they expect anything to come of such a meeting. Either way, they stated that the only actual answer they got was to the first demand, and even that wasn’t a clear one, the Prime Minister merely saying that before the end of the year he’ll inform himself regarding the existing discussions with the Commission and will decide accordingly. The answers to the other two demands were apparently even more evasive, but understood as rejections. I’ll say again that it’d have been quite a shock if it’d have been otherwise.

Both those who attended the meeting and the other activists and protesters state that the only solution is to continue the protests, and now there are even more reasons to do so as well, yesterday’s major piece of news regarding these matters being that another proposal, making quite a number of things a whole lot worse, almost unbelievably so in some cases even when considering PSD’s insolence, has gathered dozens of signatures from PSD members and is actually being put forward. In spite of that, those who try to organize these protests to some extent seem to have finally realized that you can’t just keep pushing people to attend protests all the time, and even less so during this time of year and also when, unlike in many of the previous situations, this time around it seems to be a losing battle. As such, the next protest I saw announced is scheduled on January 20, when people from all over the country are called to Bucharest in what is hoped to be another massive protest, after people will have time to rest and recover, and likely to once again accumulate more discontent and anger as well, without constantly dissipating it all in small doses, on weekly or even daily protests that just keep getting weaker otherwise.

My phone is now 15 years old. Or, more exactly, at least 15, since I also mentioned five years ago that what I know is that it’s been in use since the Christmas of 2002, but it’s possible that it was actually purchased slightly earlier. What I could remember about that, and also how and when Andra gave it to me, is in that post, so no point in typing those few lines again.
Also no point in mentioning the problems it’s been having again, since they’re also in that post and haven’t changed much. It sometimes behaves oddly when it stays plugged in after it finishes charging, but I’m not sure that wasn’t already happening back then, so the only thing that clearly got worse is that the thing that holds the back cover in place also broke at some point, so now it’s held together by a rubber band. Found a store claiming to have both a cover and a battery for it, both very cheap, at some point, but after making the order they informed me that they didn’t actually have either, so that matter was dropped. Batteries for this old model seem to be available at specialized stores, or at least were available back then, but for way more, and had also found somebody selling the back of a case, but couldn’t quite justify that expense either, plus that, since the whole point is that I have it from Andra, changing the case would significantly lessen its significance in that way and I’d likely be better off getting a new one and keeping this somewhere, just as one of the few things I still have from her.
And that’s about it. After getting it past ten and then 12 years, the next target I had set for myself was 15. Had some plans for this milestone, but what, if anything, will come of those will remain to be seen. So the only point of this post was to mark the moment and I did that; anything else will have to wait for some other post, whether later this week or, well, next year.

Leaving the year’s second post in this series very late again, but at least it’s not the very last day again, so it could be worse. It’ll just include the usual five bands, so I’m not only failing that tentative goal of including 15 bands in such posts over the course of a year but also that of at least including more than ten, but this time around the five bands will be from the same country, namely Greece. The one I wanted to start with is from there, a new song that was recently posted meant I was just reminded that I was rather stuck on an older song of the second some time ago yet never included them in such a post, a previous vocalist of said second band led my mind to the third, and having the first three happen to be from the same country made me look for others from there that I had stumbled into over the years, remembering that I actually quite recently heard of the fourth as well. The fifth is somewhat forced, as I had something else in mind and their sound makes me say they’re not something I’d particularly want to include in such a post, but they have an album released this year, so decided to add them and make it five out of five.

That said, the band I mentioned above I knew I wanted to start with is Chrysilia, and that’s because I got really stuck on Desperate Wings when I first bumped into them, a few months ago. With The Menalon Trail being the only other original song they make available at the moment and the rest of their debut album not popping up right away at a quick search, this will be the second pick and it’s a good one as well, but Desperate Wings definitely fixed them in my mind and I found myself coming back to it quite a few times over these past few months, after listening to it many times on repeat at first. Like I already said, don’t know anything about the rest of their debut album, but judging by these, they’re something to keep eyes, and ears, on.

Next is Meden Agan, who have just released No Escape off their upcoming album, scheduled to be released in January. The song that made me keep them in mind is much older, however, and I’m referring to Everlasting Pain. They had a different vocalist then, but they seem to change them every album, since I actually remember them with Iliana as well, though I’m not sure whether that means I first bumped into them that long ago or I just looked up older songs when Everlasting Pain made me pay attention. Both may be true, as in I knew of them already, but only dug around more after getting stuck on that song. Either way, definitely knew of them for years and I’m a bit surprised I didn’t include them in such a post yet.

Since I mentioned Iliana, Enemy of Reality is the obvious next band I’ll list here, though they don’t have an album released this year. They’re not a band I recall paying particular attention to at any point, though I listened to Needle Bites a few times back when they released that video. So I’ll go with that as the first song I’ll link to here, and the more recent In Hiding as the second. Now that I just listened to what they make available, something definitely rubs me the wrong way about their sound, the songs don’t seem to flow, they seem complicated in a way that makes it rather a negative thing, but there are good bits as well, and Iliana definitely has quite a voice. If the “musical differences” that supposedly led to her parting ways with Meden Agan mean that this sound is her preference, I’d personally say it’s quite a pity, but that’s of course a matter of taste.

Moving on, Forbidden Lore is another actual recent find and the two picks are easy because they only have two songs available, Endless Run and Grace in Our Fall. A third song seems to have been included on the EP released last year, and at the time they were apparently all available for free download, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. So there’s little material released so far, but it’s nevertheless enough to show a fair amount of promise.

As for the fifth band, that’s Bare Infinity and you can listen to the album they released this year on Bandcamp. As I already said, not particularly keen on their sound on it, so I’m going to pick Robin’s Eyes to link to, because it’s rather different from the rest, interestingly seeming to be the only song that their vocalist wrote by herself, in which case I’d say she should do that more often. The second pick, on the other hand, is the much older Always Forever Part I, which is the only one they still have on their YouTube channel from back when they had a different vocalist, so I’ll go with it since I’m in a hurry now, despite the poor audio quality. Personally, after quickly listening to some of their other older songs as well, I clearly prefer how they sounded back then, but that’s again a matter of taste.

I guess that’s it, and just barely in time to post before midnight and make it the week’s second post. Once again, the tentative goal for next year for this series of posts is to include 15 bands, likely in three posts, though the option of two longer posts remains as well. Never had three such posts in a year or more than seven bands in one post, which would be required to have 15 in only two, but who knows, maybe 2018 will be when that will happen. I’ll again say that I really should do at least this little, considering how many good or at least decent bands I keep bumping into.

This will be a rushed protest update, but it’s either this or nothing, already too much to cover anyway, so I’ll lump things together and go through others as quickly as I can. While daily protests have continued, just moving to the Parliament now, this particular stage of this battle is quite lost anyway, most of the proposed changes that have to do with the justice system passing through the Parliament and others being scheduled to do so soon, the ruling coalition having even changed regulations to prevent the opposition from even delaying them anymore. Saw a good post from Claudiu a week ago, stating that it’s time to regroup and prepare for the next stages, because the changes will be approved by the Parliament but there are more steps to come and that’s where the focus needs to move.

On December 10 there was another Sunday protest, with no march planned but people again being called to come to Victory Square from 6 PM, right after leaders of the groups that sort of try to organize these protests and those of opposition parties held a brief joint press conference. I for one got there at 6:50 PM, just when the gendarmes were stopping traffic on the surrounding roads, with the exception of the one separating the area from the Government building, and left at 9 PM, when those remaining were singing the anthem and the large number of gendarmes in riot gear which had apparently been in the area but which I for one just spotted at that point, around the side of the Government building, were just clearing away. According to reports, the protest was dying out around 9:30 PM, with mere hundreds remaining, but estimates are of about 15000 at the peak. I thought there had been even more while I was there, but since I’m not seeing higher numbers from reliable sources, I guess I’ll have to go with that. Otherwise, you can have a look at the pictures I took, which also include the group carrying around crosses with major problems of the health system written on them, but sadly do not include any signs of solidarity with Polish protesters, because I could find none even though there had been an “official” post asking participants to show their support for them that evening.

While the Victory Square regulars were obviously going to continue, activists that were part of the United We Save movement and the groups formed by some of them, referring to those not keeping a low profile or even pretty much staying out of these protests completely, seemed to allow December 11 to be a day of rest, relying on the fact that the Parliament had the solemn session marking the death of Romania’s former king scheduled then, with the Chamber of Deputies’ next attempt to approve the changes scheduled for the following day, when a daytime protest at the Parliament was planned. However, the ruling coalition decided to change the schedule, voting on those changes right after the solemn session, the hastily modified regulations preventing the opposition from delaying the vote once again, despite trying other methods. As a result, that scheduled Tuesday protest was moved to Monday and there was no day of rest.

Protests, not exceeding a few hundred participants at the peak, continued every evening after that, mainly at the Parliament, across the road from the Chamber of Deputies entrance. One exception was December 19, when an event was created for a protest at the Senate entrance as well, since the laws had moved to the Senate, which was to give the final vote, yet the Senate’s session ended in the afternoon and all members of the Parliament moved to a joint session in the Chamber of Deputies, so the planned protest wasn’t split for long. Another exception, however, still continues, and I’m referring to the silent protest in front of PSD’s headquarters, started on December 13 and inspired by the similar protest started on December 11 in Sibiu, a small number of people taking turns to simply stand watch, the protest also using the “we see you” slogan as a name.

In terms of other organizations staging protests supported by the known activists or formally supporting these protests themselves, I’ll mention that unions organized a protest on December 12, some known activists and groups openly supporting them and some, or at least one of the few that I actually follow, actually attending and feeling very much at ease, unlike previous times when known activists had been kicked out of union protests for education or healthcare, for example. Next, on December 14, several dozen groups and organizations signed an open letter describing the situation and asking for support from European institutions and other foreign allies. Then, on December 18, hundreds of judges and prosecutors held a silent protest on the steps of the Palace of Justice, similar protests taking place in other cities that day. In addition, student organizations formally announced joining the ongoing protests on December 19, and this was followed the next day by law students staging a silent protest as well.

As for December 17, the day actually started with a flash mob, hundreds of people answering the call to start gathering in Victory Square at 3 PM and, from 3:30 PM, stand silently, with their eyes and mouths covered by black bands, despite the rain. After that, from 5 PM, the main protest started, a march being scheduled to start at 6 PM but that only happening at 7:15 PM, the numbers being sufficient to simply do so despite the gendarmes having refused both proposed routes. There were some tense moments at first, images showing a couple of protesters being handled roughly and even kicked by gendarmes as they tried to stop us from marching, but they quickly gave up on that attempt and, after quite a number of them rushed to the front of the column and held it back for a few moments longer in order to allow more of the other participants to catch up, things were largely calm until we reached the Parliament, around or maybe a little over one hour later, when the situation got somewhat tense again because the gendarmes stopped the protesters at the corner, blocking the march from reaching the Chamber of Deputies entrance.
Thousands of people took part in the march, known activists eventually seeming to agree on around 5000, though I saw a few higher estimates as well, despite the fact that all of this took place under constant precipitation that turned from rain to sleet to this winter’s first snow and back again. This is also why I didn’t check the time to know when various points along the route were reached and didn’t even write down the exact moment when the Parliament was reached, but I did still take some pictures and can say that the march turned silent while passing in front of the Royal Palace. Can’t say much about what happened at the Parliament, on the other hand, since I left soon after we were stopped there, first having a quick look at the Christmas fair in Constitution square and just passing by the area again as I was leaving, around or maybe a little after 9 PM, to see a much reduced number of protesters surrounded by gendarmes, who were gradually pushing them back to the sidewalk. I see reports of further tensions as a result of that, but eventually the protest ended with no further significant incidents, at least as far as I’m aware.

Should really be writing another protest report, since tomorrow and Monday will add quite a lot more stuff. But I can’t even get myself to take a shit, so I’m sitting here and holding it in while I still can, and that report may get written next week or I may just skip this entire period. Should have probably also used the first part of the day to clean my room a little, but that’s not happening either. And I also should be shaving today if I’ll be trying to go to any protest tomorrow, but I’m so uncertain about that despite the important moment, and I went out without shaving plenty of times. Even yesterday I went to plenty of places to buy a few things, and it’s not like I’m that much worse today than I was then, a day more or less compared to a week.

So I’m just throwing this here, and the one clear thing to say is that I ran again Thursday, adding one more run to the buffer, since winter temperatures are finally going to get here. The time was 48:20, with sector times of 4:24, 5:15, 5:43, 4:33, 5:06, 5:52, 4:33, 5:09, 5:54 and 1:51, making for lap times of 15:22, 15:31 and 15:36. Only meant to stay under 49 minutes again, this being the 20th time in a row I manage that, but even though it was rather windy I also managed to get a fifth in a row under 48:30, and that 5:43 sector three of lap one may even be a new fastest sector three, since I again remembered the exact time and it was 5:42.38 while the current record is listed as 5:42. But, again, there’s little I can do about such uncertainties.

After that run, I went to pick up a cheap thing I ordered, which will be a waste of money if I won’t also get something else to use said item with, and I’m highly uncertain about that other thing, despite it being on my mind for a very long time now. So I’ll feel rotten about it either way, but that’s how it usually goes with purchases anyway. Don’t want to say anything more about it now though; that’d just make it even worse… Maybe.

Speaking of this week’s purchases, first went to what I tend to say is the hypermarket I usually go to, this being Auchan, on Monday, carrying four bags with a total of 30 plastic bottles, many of them small ones, since dad had cleaned up some areas and had thrown plenty of those away, and 11 cans. Two of the cans had been with mushrooms, if I remember correctly, so not the aluminum drink cans the recycling machine that’s there takes, but I just took them along to see whether it’d accept them anyway and left them next to it when it didn’t, along with one beer can which for some reason it also refused to take. Then, with the tickets received for the rest plus a coin, I bought a bread and a few carrots.
Said tickets because I ended up with three, the machine reporting that it was full and handing me a ticket for what it had accepted before that moment twice, at first after only seven bottles, and then after 11 more. Since a cleaner was just passing through the area that first time, I waited for him to return and asked what to do, but he just shrugged and said he had no idea, so I eventually gathered the courage to tell the nearby guard and he called someone, which resulted in someone from a different cleaning firm coming a few minutes later, simply opening the machine without using any key or password or anything else, and just pushing things around a bit before closing it again. So when it happened again I just did the same thing myself, finding that crushed bottles can get stuck and therefore the machine will assume there’s no room for them to fall anymore when that’s not the case, so the fix is to just pull them down by hand and then close it again, which will make it assume it had been emptied and continue.

Also went to grab just a couple of things after Tuesday’s run, taking the other recyclables out then as well. Since I decided to finally name the hypermarkets now after for some reason avoiding it so far, I’ll say that I meant to grab a pack of four pastry products that were on offer from Carrefour and some black radishes, also on offer, from Kaufland. The black radishes were even cheaper than I thought, what should have been the sale price according to the site being listed as normal price and replaced by a new, lower, sale price, so I could get even more for just some coins I had in my pocket, but the pastries required visiting Carrefour twice, since there were none left when I first got there but they had brought more out by the time I returned from Kaufland and had another look.
Sure, there are plenty of sweets around here now, we even still have one last bit of one of the two pumpkin pies my mother apparently made which dad had brought quite some time ago, and now she sent a couple of other things as well, though at least in far smaller quantities, but I just felt like having those pastries, had saved up just enough for them, the discount was good and at least one of the two types in the package doesn’t have any listed ingredients that I’d frown at. So that’s why I had another look, even though it was after 7 PM already and I was worried they won’t make any more in the evening. But these things sell quite quickly when they’re on sale, which I had noticed before as well, so I guess they’re making exceptions, knowing they won’t be left with them overnight.

Speaking of my mother sending sweets, dad just got back from there a bit ago and he brought a pile of doughnuts. Saw a hair coming out of one and it broke when I tried to pull it out, so I cut away that part of it to see whether I’ll find more of it inside, but didn’t at first glance and then dad said he’ll eat it and did just that… Now let’s see how much of all of these things he’ll eat in general and how quickly though, because if he’s aiming to leave me half, some of my half is very likely to spoil and that’ll just get worse if she keeps sending such things. Not that it’s healthy for him to eat so much of these sweet and greasy things anyway, but that’s their problem.
Either way, since I took a break from writing this now, and also finally went to the toilet, meant to make myself some popcorn, just to have something to munch on that’s far less unhealthy. But I gave up on that idea, so I’m just back here, just noticing that I’m leaning heavily to one side in my chair, struggling to even sit, or in fact to even breathe, so down that everything’s too much of an effort that I see no point in making. And too lonely for any of it too.

But I hadn’t finished the part about shopping this week, so I guess I’ll mention yesterday as well, when I went to all three hypermarkets again, to Carrefour again twice, while also quickly checking the closest Mega Image and one other small nearby shop that dad tends to get things from at the start of my route, since he had asked me to buy something for him too and I wanted to check all prices first, despite being quite certain they’ll be significantly cheaper in the hypermarkets. So, after these two nearby stores, I checked prices in Carrefour and Kaufland, getting a bit of that type of food they got Liza addicted to from there, since he also told me to get that and it’s the Kaufland store brand, then went and bought stuff from Auchan, got back to drop all of that off, and went out again to get just one more thing that was on sale in Carrefour. There are a couple of things I wanted to get from Kaufland too, and one more that I’m not sure where from or if I’ll get, but I decided I’ll try again later, even though there is a risk they’ll run out, as it may happen with good offers in Kaufland.

And now I guess I’ll sort of watch a match, so I’ll be finishing this after it, not that there’s any point. And the mouse got back to double clicking so much it was next to unusable Thursday and yesterday, so I have to be very careful with everything I do and I guess get back to the spare one again soon, even though the Kone XTD behaved significantly better today for some reason. This last bit is even more unusual since it wasn’t colder today, it will be starting tomorrow, and what I noticed was that the problem gets significantly worse when it’s warmer, plus that my computer usually acts up when my mental state is particularly poor and, while that makes the fact that the mouse almost suddenly became next to unusable again this week unsurprising, I’m definitely no better today, in fact quite the contrary.

On the topic of that mental state, there is something that’s been worrying me in recent weeks, in addition to the usual issues I mean, and at first I meant to do something about it and failed last Thursday night, actually thought I might have succeeded the following night, briefly noticed after coming back from last Sunday’s protest that things seemed to be going in a good direction but then shortly after that realized I had gotten my hopes up far too early, and I had little reason to think it won’t end up badly since then, before today. Now, however, it seems somewhat different, a clear improvement, but I’m still highly uncertain and will be worrying about it for a long time regardless of what seems to be happening.

Mentioning last Sunday’s protest just now made me realize I hadn’t mentioned it before in this post and I should have, so I’ll just add here that I attended that as well, though I mainly just wandered around and took a bunch of pictures. Since I walked, got there at 6:50 PM, so even later, since the listed time was 6 PM, but that was just when the gendarmes were stopping traffic on some of the roads around the area, so it was easier to cross at least. And I left at 9 PM, walking back as well. Sure had the impression that there had been more than the 15000 participants I saw estimated, some even saying as little as 10000, but I didn’t see higher estimates from credible sources, so I guess that’s how many there actually were.

On the topic of going out, I’d sure rather not, but now that it’s just me and dad, feeling increasingly sick of staying in too. Since he works every other night, at least I have the place all to myself every other night, so I also make myself more stuff to eat then and it works out better, since doing stuff at night is what comes natural to me, but the rest of the time I can’t plan anything. I may be alone but not know for sure just when he’ll be back, or when he’ll leave if he’s here when I wake up, so while I may be alone, I may not start things because I can’t be sure I’ll stay alone until I’ll finish, or I may choose to do one thing because I think he may not leave and then find that he will and I could have done something else, either way leaving me even more frustrated and disappointed of everything. Plus that he annoys me by moving furniture around again as well.
On top of all of that, with dad being as messy as he is and my mother no longer here to clean up after him, it just makes me feel increasingly sick to go to the kitchen or the bathroom. I try to just do what I was doing if I was going there after him when she didn’t manage to clean up in between us, and what I said I’ll do when she left, just quickly cleaning just the things and the spots I’ll be using and ignoring the rest, but doing it every single time, leaving it quite clean after myself every time, and seeing everything back the way it was or worse right away, and mess and crap piling up elsewhere… One more reason to feel even worse when eating, or even when going to the bathroom… And to really, really want to live alone, obviously as long as they’d still usually handle things that require interacting with others, on top of money matters.

May be odd for some, being desperately lonely, with an increasing emphasis on “desperate” lately, but also desperately wanting to at least be alone, but lonely and alone are very different things and being lonely but not alone is clearly the worst of the four possible combinations of the two. It won’t make it better, but at least it won’t be worse than the loneliness itself, and will get rid of the other issues mentioned above and let me plan things, including doing nothing, without worrying about being seen or having to explain anything either. Maybe that will help, or maybe it’ll mean allowing my mental state to get even worse, but maybe someday it’ll mean it’ll get bad enough to end it all, one way or another, though I always was far too much of a coward and the prospect has also been too terribly disappointing for the past ten years or so, as that only really had a point during a certain period after she left and all the time that passed since then just added to the crap that something will need to happen to make up for, and that can’t happen if I’m dead. But it won’t happen while I’m alive either, so who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares?
You know, being silenced on Patook, learning that I’ve been literally talking to myself, sending and posting into the void, for months, and that I’m blocked from using that place to even try to find someone else to talk to, probably took quite a toll too. But the situation was never good, and lately it’s been bad in other ways as well, the few I’ve been talking to, at least to some extent, getting even more distant, not that any were ever close, or vanishing completely. The desperation even makes it harder to think of trying to find new people to talk to, assuming I’d have a site to use for that again, because things can’t go well when started in such a state, but at the same time it’s bad enough I was even considering OkCupid for that again. Didn’t use it again yet though, just ending up sending a bit of a rant, a tiny part of the maelstrom in my mind, to Alexandra, who of course didn’t really react to it, not that there was anything she could have said or done.
Actually, that rant started with something I didn’t mean to say publicly, but since I admitted it to someone and the announcement, if I may use the term, that triggered the reaction was public… I wonder how crappy it makes me if I felt quite gutted, even physically sick, when Alma posted that she’s in a relationship. I said the nice things and meant them, at least at first glance some things seem right in that “picture” even for my standards, and this also offers a far more understandable and acceptable explanation for how she’s been pretty much ignoring me lately, rarely even having time for a quick reply, but at the same time her previous situation had created a small sliver of similarity and now even that’s gone. Not going to give details because it’s not my story to tell, but to see a decision to not be interested in anyone else in that way, albeit one based on a rather opposite mindset, discarded so quickly, and that any chance of somehow trying to patch things up in any foreseeable future is even more impossible, if I may use that term, just makes me feel even more desperately lonely… Which seems hard to believe is even possible, but things can always get worse and usually do.