Cav's Place

I will now move away from my previous post, telling about how other people have affected me during this time. Naturally, I’ll start with her, what happened before she left again, then move on to the rest. If I’ll forget anybody, I’m sorry.

First thing I did after entering my room was ask dad for his cell phone and text her, Jen and Elena G. to let them know that, unfortunately, I arrived here still alive.
After that, the main goal became to talk to her again, find out as much as possible, get involved. Considering the problems I was having with my Internet access at the moment, that wasn’t easy, but I wrote what I meant to tell her in a file and planned to send it all when I will be able to. Of course, what I wrote there was far more direct than what I would have been able to actually tell her. And yes, I did send it eventually…
We did exchange a few e-mails even before I could finally get on-line from my computer, though. I’d log on theirs, which was spread on the floor, and try to get on-line. When I was lucky enough for the connection to work, I would try to send her a little something, mainly just to keep a conversation alive. But the replies were disheartening, to say the least, as she only seemed inclined to talk about books and the cats. Did get a few superficial bits of information about their plans for the future together, but nothing more than that.
Then I sent her that file. It was 20 pages long and I asked her not to respond to things that anger her, or to those that she just means to refuse. I got an 8-line reply, which wasn’t touching on any of the major points. That’s a lot of anger and refusals…
After that moment, she became even more distant, despite saying that we can talk and be friends again, before kicking me out of there. She wouldn’t say anything by herself anymore and would usually snap at me if I asked anything. Said she was too busy to talk. Also said that she can’t talk about personal things with me anymore since she only discusses such things with her boyfriend and I’m not him anymore, but also that she doesn’t feel like small talk. So she said we’ll talk, but won’t tell important things and didn’t feel like making small talk either. That makes no sense to me, but what do I know, right?
I couldn’t handle that for too long, so, once again, I was the one ending contact. Just like the previous time I did it, and just like almost any other decision I had to make after she left, it was just choosing between awful and dreadful. Extremely hard to do this, but even harder not to. Everything she said, or, actually, didn’t say, was like a dagger through my heart… One that wouldn’t kill me, but just cause tremendous pain…

I mentioned books earlier. There could be a lot to say if I were to fully explain this, but I won’t. I won’t because then I’d be talking about one of her dreams, which she shattered all by herself, and I’m afraid I couldn’t do that without saying things that I really don’t want to end up saying about her… And because it hurts. She sold a dream (the library) for another (being with him), which says a lot about what she feels for him. I can only wonder where did I go so wrong…
Anyway, I did get some books from her. She said I can keep them, I said I’ll just read them and then make them available again so she can sell them… I gave her the information she asked about them and offered to help in any way I can. When she was talking about placing small ads in newspapers, I asked dad if we could help out and he agreed to place some for her as soon as I give him the text to send. So I was waiting for her to send it to me, but she never did.
Technically, I kept my word. Not sure how clear that came out back then, as I was only asked for one book out of all I have from her, but I was ready to give back everything I read if she asked for it. But I said that’s only technically, because I stopped reading after she left again. Since I never read a book twice, anything I read would become “used up”, one more connection to her lost. So I just stopped reading at that point. Still willing to give away all those that I already read, of course, I said I will once I read them and I never break my word, but I’m holding on to the rest.
Or holding on to most of them, apparently… Just after the event that made me think of signs, I hear that somebody is interested in one of the series I had, one that I didn’t read. But what will happen is actually an exchange, as he already has it, but wants this edition instead. I already knew I might need to give this one away actually, the only one that was already on a wishlist, so this is why I accepted. Of course, the book itself has no personal value for me if it’s not this specific book, which means I’ll have no reason not to read it once the exchange will take place.
Yes, I’ll lose one more connection, but it was one I was expecting to lose. And I’ll tell you something else. When I decided to start going on walks, the last idea that I crossed out of that mental list was to start reading again. That would have been a leap of faith, relying heavily on the idea that it really was a sign and not just a coincidence. After all, I would be using up connections, so I needed something to happen before I used them all up. I actually thought a lot about this, but didn’t know how much of a leap of faith I should be taking, as in start with a single book or a series, and how big should it be, trying to figure out how much am I willing to give up in hopes of something happening. I guess somebody told me what I should give up, and it was exactly what I already knew I might lose, so the “price” was the smallest one possible…
But I actually started reading something last night, after all this time. And it’s in Romanian, after many years of reading only in English. Just a little book she took from here once and then sent back in that box. Don’t care about it, it’s not actually from her, and my eyes couldn’t handle the computer anymore last night, so I said why not?
What box? Oh, at some point she sent me a box with some things I had forgotten at her place, plus some more books. It also included plenty of things that weren’t mine. For example, apparently included every CD in the house that she didn’t record herself, except those that actually were mine and I had forgotten when I was kicked out. Would be funny if I could laugh about it…

Another thing she promised me before I was kicked out of there was that we’ll meet one more time before she’ll leave, when she’ll come here for her visa. I had no idea what I wanted to do or say at that time, it was just one more chance to see her and wasn’t about to pass it up! But, after a while, she changed her mind. Said she will only be here for a day and she’ll be busy, so won’t have time for me, maybe just five minutes while on the run, at most.
That certainly ruined my hopes. I needed her to come here if I were to manage to say anything at all, and would have needed time even then. Meeting in a public place and only for a few minutes would have meant that I’d have just stared at her, certainly no chance of saying as much as one coherent phrase. But I thought I’d at least see her one more time, better than nothing.
Then that changed once again. Change of plans on their side, with him coming here instead of waiting for her to get back. That made her say she won’t meet me unless he’d be with her at the time. Lovely, as if it wasn’t already certain that I wouldn’t be able to say anything, now she was just making doubly certain of it. Either that or one of them (or both) saw me as a threat, which would really hurt. Not that they’d have been the first ones thinking I could hurt her, apparently her mom did too right at the end, before kicking me out. Just shows how little people seem to know me I guess. I simply can’t wrap my mind around how could anybody think that about me… Or maybe he was jealous, or her afraid I could change her mind, which only spells trouble for the future. It’s not like I could have changed her mind in a few minutes if it wouldn’t have been changed already, and it’s not like I would ever try to make her leave him… I can’t know what the reasons were, but it hurt terribly. Even more so that she didn’t tell it to me herself, but I heard about her change of heart from somebody else.
But that wasn’t an issue either, since we didn’t meet at all in the end. Time passed, they left together once again, this time for good, from what I know, and that was that…

Another thing I had to find out about from someone else was their wedding. The original plan was for her to get back to England by herself and then they’d get married there. But that changed and he came here, they got married and then left back together. It does make sense, it was far easier for her to get her papers in order if she’d be already married to him before leaving, plus that it was cheaper to have it done here, but it still hurt because I wasn’t told about the change of plans.
I actually didn’t think it was going to hit me so hard. I mean, I knew it was coming… And I was simply numb the night I found out, actually thought I could pull through it. But by morning I was a complete wreck, more so than usual I mean.
I sent them an e-mail then, just well wishing and maybe a little advice. Asked for them not to reply and they didn’t, though I don’t think any of them would have even if I wouldn’t have asked. Honestly wish them all the best, hope everything is going well and that they are and will keep being happy together… I just wish it wouldn’t require such suffering from me, just wish that we could all be happy. Yeah, I need to write another entry on my idea of relationships involving more than two people…

And that was it. I just know when they left and that’s it, nothing else after that. Have moments when I really worry, think something bad might have happened… I don’t know, it’s just too hard… Yes, of course I’ll always hope to have another chance, but if I could have been at least that best friend that has all the “inside info”… I could do my best to focus on that and have less time for my mind to drift to my current situation…
The interesting thing was that the RAM module that failed, failed on the day she left. Talk about coincidences… Or not, my computer usually behaves oddly when I’m in an especially bad mood. Nothing surprising. After all, it’s an electronic device and the human brain and nervous system send electrical impulses. When those reach particularly intense levels, it makes perfect sense for them to interfere with any equipment that’s close by. But that caused me to lose something else. Her user account, when I had to reinstall Windows because at first I thought it was because of it and I was too out of it to realize I can’t repair it from my install disk, as that doesn’t have the service packs included. No way to regain that, since it was important just because it was created by her.

Oh, yah, I also tried writing down all my memories from when we were still together. Only got as far as the first two periods we spent together, early on when we were living 400 km apart, then it became harder to do it than not to… It’s like, if I’m writing it down, I’m putting it in the past, and for me it’s not in the past. I’m still with her, just that she’s no longer with me, if that makes any sense for anybody. I’m constantly afraid of forgetting anything, because memories are truly all I really have, the items that I connect to her being able to lose their significance in certain conditions, or they could be taken away from me entirely. I’m lucky to have an excellent long-term memory, but even so, any memory of her that I forget, as small as it may be, would be a tragedy, so I really wish I could write it all down. But I won’t be able to do that until I could find a way to do it without thinking that I’ll put it in the past by doing so.
I guess I’ll only add that I spent a lot of time in bed initially, and didn’t eat for three days after each thing that she did that hurt even more than the general situation, and stop here. I feel sorry for anybody who can even just imagine how hard it’s been to write this, and how I feel right now. But, speaking of such people, I believe I need to mention some of those that touched my life since I ended up back here. For the sake of honesty, I have to say I’ll put the most important ones at the end. Hope nobody will take offense at me saying this.

I want to tell the members of Snowden’s Den that I’m sorry. I knew I didn’t fit in, but wasn’t ready to be part of a group even if I did. Actually, I know I’ll never manage to be part of a group again. So, after a certain moment, I just looked for a reason to leave.
Next, I want to thank everybody from The Witches’ Voice that tolerated my incisiveness. I rarely wrote a message to anybody from that site unless I disagreed with an article they wrote, so the resulting conversations were interesting, despite usually ending after a couple of e-mails. On this note, a special thanks to Rhaine and Andrea, who put up with me for a bit longer than that.
But, as far as groups are concerned, the biggest thanks has to go to the people who make up Clan SpiritWalk on Materia Magica, and even more so to Niky in particular. The bonds within that clan are unbelievable, I’m certain very few other groups formed around games have anything near that. The way most members know and care about each other, trying to help both in-game and in personal problems, truly makes it far more than a game and is the reason I didn’t stop playing entirely. Thank you for putting up with me and I’m sorry that I’m not on much as of about six months ago. Just can’t deal with people at all anymore, but I won’t give up on you completely just because I can’t deal with everyone else…

Next, wish Rose good luck on her exams once again. Thanks for replying, and for caring enough to ask, despite saying all the wrong things afterwards.
Good luck to Elena G. on her exams as well. Thanks for caring and for the few replies that you did send during this time, knowing how busy you are. Hope everything will work out fine for you in the end.

I don’t even know what to say about Liz… Sent her an e-mail because something she wrote on The Witches’ Voice annoyed me and, at some point, what started as just an intellectually stimulating conversation turned into a solid friendship. Liz is the only person I got really close to after she left. I have no idea how that happened, especially since I was, and still am, determined not to let new people that close to me for myself, but only if they need my help on their problems.
But it did happen and I’m happy for it. She probably took more whining and bitching from me than anybody else, yet complained less than anybody else. She says that’s because she whines even more, but I highly doubt it. I really don’t know what I would have done without her friendship during this time. I mean, if I’m in such a poor shape with it, I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been otherwise.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did and still do, and I’m sorry for everything I’m putting you through. Hope you’ll soon find what you want, get it and hold on to it.

Hope I won’t offend anybody when I say that I left Jen last because she’s the most important. Being the only person that I was close to before she left that I’m still close to now, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that I say this about her.
I know I’ve put you through Hell all this time. I know I’ve said things that hurt. To be honest, I’m sorry about some but still feel that others were fully justified. I even cut contact with you for a while, but you let me back when I wanted to get back. I know I’m hard to get along with…
Thank you for putting up with me all this time and thank you for the way you go about doing that. Thank you for seeing me that first time and for suggesting we go for a walk the second time, when I just thought I’d give you that book and that’d be it, it meant a lot. Thank you for opening up as much as you did, when you did, and for not reacting badly when I’d say things that I shouldn’t be saying.
Way more to say than I can find words for. Just… Thank you for being here. I hope everything will work out well for you. Also hope we’ll get even closer as time passes (for anybody about to misread this, I mean only as friends!), so maybe, someday, I’ll be able to make up for part of all of this.

No, I don’t expect anybody to read this far. Those that it’s for, or about, already know. Plus that, saying again, I’m mainly writing these things for myself and posting here because I have nothing to hide…

Picking up once again from where I left off, I will now move on to how I’ve been living since I was thrown back here. Just the facts, not how I’m feeling, that will come in the last part.
And if these things seem crazy to you, I’ll have to say again that I wish I were far crazier… I’d be happy in my own dream world, thinking she’s still with me. Or, at the very least, actually think I’m talking to her when I’m talking to the teddy bear as if it were her, instead of feeling rather silly for doing it.

Not much to say about the drive back here, just that I babbled the entire way so dad wouldn’t have a chance to say anything that would make it even worse. Then we arrived and I went up. Open the door, go in, see the creature, curse, turn around, go back out, down the stairs and to the back door of the building. Sat there for about 20 minutes talking to a cat that came up to the door. I even knew that cat. But he left eventually, then dad came by to try once again to make be go back up, so I did.
Went into my room, which had been turned into their “office”, and just looked around in a daze, wondering why am I still alive. If anybody has the answer to that, by the way, please let me know, because I’m yet to figure it out. There were piles of papers, books about economics, plush toys and religious items everywhere. Their computer had bad settings, not to mention that everything was in Romanian, and the Internet connection was poor. There wasn’t even a carpet on the floor, since they didn’t bother to put it back after they were flooded months before. The carpet situation wasn’t fixed until autumn, actually. There was something set on the floor for a while after the windows were replaced, before the actual carpet was finally brought in, but that was even filthier than the floor itself. Either way, I saw the teddy bear from her, picked it up, threw away the cross they put around it’s neck and just held on to it for dear life.

Just to point out how hard it is to write these things, the above two paragraphs took me an hour and a half… And the first two were written last night… Yet it’s harder not to. Guess I could sum up the story since I got here into one phrase: Choosing between awful and dreadful…

The first issue I had to address was Internet access. Not only was the service very poor in itself, but it wouldn’t work at all on my computer, which I brought back with me, so I had to keep theirs around for a while to get on-line. Mine simply wouldn’t receive any data, and my assumption was that some router or firewall along the line was blocking it, since it was different from what it was expecting to see on that account, but they said that can’t be it. Somebody came over to see what’s going on and I didn’t stick around, being as shy as I am. Of course he didn’t solve anything, but he uninstalled (uninstalled, mind you, not just disabled) my antivirus, saying that might be causing it. Since it didn’t solve the problem, it was obvious that wasn’t causing it, but just left me needing to reinstall it. Next, I actually had dad take the computer to them, since their servers were just around the corner, and plug it in right into the server to prove that there’s no problem on my end. As expected, it did work, but it didn’t convince them. Next, they had somebody come over, and I was angry enough to be able to stay with him so nothing else will get broken this time around. After a couple of hours, he had to admit he has no idea what’s going on. Also admitted that my idea of it being blocked is the only logical one left, but that there’s nothing along the line that could be doing it.
So I moved on to the next step, looking for another provider. Just when I thought I found one (OpenNetwork), a flier advertising another (TitanNet) arrived in the mail, so I sent the e-mail I meant to send to OpenNetwork to both. Knowing me, it was a long mail, asking pretty much everything that could be asked and explaining a lot of things. Guess I shouldn’t have bothered, because I got no reply from TitanNet. Somebody from OpenNetwork did reply, though, albeit in a rather snappish manner. I sent a rather angry reply back and got a simiar one in return. But, still looking like the best option, that’s where I ended up…
Where I ended up for a while at least. They started having reliability problems after about a month, even having three days with no service at one point. Were complaining of sabotage and I’m inclined to believe them. Apparently they decided it’s not worth it at some point, and were bought for a pittance. The buyers? TitanNet… So I ended up with them despite choosing against them initially. Have to admit that, after running slowly for the first week or so, the service has been pretty nice since the switch.

Moving on, dad was very annoying in asking me to eat with him every evening. I told him I won’t be eating with anybody, but apparently he didn’t think I meant it. Initially the creature seemed to sit in her room while we ate, though the very idea of her being around was making me edgy, but then she started walking by the kitchen. And what’s worse is that the kitchen has no door. It also has another opening in the wall, besides the door, that can’t be blocked in any way. One time she walked by three times. I snarled at the second and almost threw my fork after her the third. Either way, did go along with it for a few weeks, but then I showed him I meant it when I said I’ll only eat alone, since it can’t be with her.
Since then, excepting the days when they’re gone, I only go out to eat at night. Yes, once per day. I chose 2 AM initially because the creature was going to bed at a little past 1, so it seemed safe. Being a night owl, I had no problems with going to bed at 5, so I won’t be eating just before sleep. Actually, sometimes the problem is to go to bed at 5 and not stay up longer, so I won’t be awake and need to go to the toilet when dad wakes up.
What to have around to eat was a great debate in itself, especially since food is apparently dad’s topic of choice when just making conversation. Getting him to understand what I wanted was futile, since we speak different languages on almost any topic, including this one, but in the end I did get him to keep a supply of a couple of things, and I just have to make due with whatever’s around for the rest.
One funny moment was when he kept leaving me fries on the kitchen table at night. Told him a few times I don’t want to eat that, he said to just consider he leaves them there to have them in the morning for himself in that case, and I told him to just consider I don’t want other stuff on the table when I’m supposed to be eating alone, and that he’ll find them in the trash if I see any put there again. Of course I really meant it. That changed his mind…
Also on this topic, I quickly figured out what to do to have something to drink as well. I started making tea each night, put it in a water bottle and kept it in my room. I’d sure like to pick the plants to make it with, but since that’d require talking to dad each time, I just got him to keep a supply of various kinds of fruit tea and use that.
And a final thing here, I got used to always having stuff nearby that I could munch on. Ok, not since she left, but before that. And knowing that such things were there, usually thrown together in a bag, next to the computer, made me not be interested in them. But now, knowing there are none around, I always wanted to munch on something. There is also the fact that I got used to eating a little bit at a time, 4-5 times per day, especially since she left. Now I’m down to one meal and that’s nagging, even though I sometimes eat more in that one meal than I did in a whole day before getting here. But good luck explaining that to him.
Apparently, “munchies” are almost exclusively sweet things in his mind. And since I couldn’t help myself and jumped on any such things when I saw them, this had some pretty weird effects. With me used to eat very little sweets for quite some time before getting back here, my body didn’t quite know how to handle all the sugar. Took a few bad panic attacks to make me research their possible cause and see that sugar highs is a possibility. There were a couple of months when I cut back, but the thing is that I don’t think I’m eating less sweets now than I did before that pause, just that my body adjusted to them and they no longer cause such problems. Adjusted a little too much actually, started to crave them if there are none around for a couple of days, and craving any kind of food is really weird for me. Hate this, hate having no control over anything, turning me into whatever it is they are… Oh, and also noticed two new cavities since I got here, not that it’s unexpected.

As I said before, the creature is at home pretty much all the time, except when they’re both gone somewhere (like these days, thankfully). That said, I try to get out of this room as little as possible, won’t risk bumping into her! Just once or twice per day, to go to the bathroom. I don’t drink anything during the day, so I won’t need to go more often. I just drink what I have in my room between 1 and 2 AM, knowing I’ll be able to go afterwards.
When I need to go to the bathroom a second time during a day, I take the opportunity to also shower or shave. I did try to shower at night initially, but I kept getting nagged that they’re trying to sleep and it’s bothering them. I’d say it couldn’t be bothering both of them, since dad sleeps in the living room, at the other end of the hallway from the bathroom… But there was also the problem of water taking 20 minutes to warm up when I tried to shower at night, just another of the little “joys” of the city heating grid, so I turned to this method after a while. Don’t take baths since I got here anymore, not about to sit in the same tub they’re sitting in! Heck, they don’t even bother to rinse it after bathing, or at least dad doesn’t…
And even going out at night became a problem since apparently the creature decided to stay up longer, starting just a few months after I got here. After that moment, she goes to bed at a little past 3 AM, meaning she’s awake while I’m eating. Dad did convince her to close the door to her room at least, but it’s still annoying! Even more so when she doesn’t close the door… Happens very rarely now, but initially it was quite frequent. I’d open the door to my room, see hers open too, curse, get back in my room, slam the door and wait till at least 2:15, usually 2:30, before trying to go out again. But the worst is that dad started staying up nights to work as of a few months ago. He’ll be in the living room, door ajar, and I’ll be on full alert… Certainly not a good state of mind to be in while eating, as if it wasn’t enough that it’s just one meal per day and at night…

And then there are the moments when they leave. They tend to do that about once per week, from noon till evening, going to the creature’s parents. Plus leaving for a few days now and then, usually when he’s on a business trip and takes her there for the time being before leaving himself.
For the first few months I wasn’t even doing much during such days. Sometimes acted as if they weren’t even gone, just going out of my room to go to the bathroom. Of course, during that time I wasn’t getting out of bed much either. Then I started making full use of them, eating, cleaning my room, showering, walking around the house, and it seemed enough. Now, as of a few months ago, I just can’t stand the idea of their presence at all anymore. It’s a constant mental scream of “Go away!” on my part and enough anger to kill at the slightest noise heard from them… Their continued presence might just drive me to insanity. Unfortunately, I doubt it will drive me to the kind of insanity I’m looking for…

As for communication, mostly by e-mail. Just with dad, of course. Had a lot of problems with him initially, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea of e-mailing somebody who’s in the same house. After seeing how vicious I can be, he said it’s probably better this way, because he couldn’t reply to such things face to face. I say that, if it were face to face, I’d have jumped at his throat sooner.
Yes, that did happen once. He wanted to put back in my room all sorts of old books that I got out of here when I threw out everything unrelated to her. I said no, he didn’t get it, asked again, I said no again, then just said he will. I said I won’t let him and he just came in with them. I picked them up, gave them back to him then threw him out along with them. He got angry, said he won’t do anything I ask from then on either, then went to the living room and wrote me an e-mail about it. And when I saw it I really lost it, ran out of here and right at him. Unfortunately, he’s about twice my weight, and a bit taller too, plus that I was too angry to aim my blows and was tiring myself with the stream of insults as well, so that certainly didn’t lead anywhere except to bruises on my arms, where he held me after he managed to grab on.
I’m quite sure I’m going to do that again, and probably sooner rather than later, really can’t handle them around at all anymore! But I couldn’t say exactly when, whenever something will happen to destroy even the shred of control I have left. And that something might not even come from them. For example, somebody has been drilling and hammering here in the building for the past few days. Starts around 4 or 5 PM and keeps at it for about four hours. Should have heard the stream of insults coming from me when he started again today, right after I kicked the desk. Then, after he was at it for about two hours, I simply broke down. Anger was going away, was becoming just desperate, couldn’t cry, as usual… Heck, could hardly breathe… I’m guessing that’s what you call a nervous breakdown. Been having them on a nearly daily basis for months now. I just need to get the fuck out of here! But there’s nowhere for me to go… And I couldn’t handle it even if there were…
Anyway, back to communication… I put dad on ignore a while back, but he didn’t believe me so he’s still sending e-mails. I know that because I took him off now, before they left, in case he has something urgent to say, and I got two… And when he leaves he keeps calling, hate that. Hate talking on the phone in general, actually. Plus that the phone is causing problems, keeps turning off a few seconds into the conversation or misses calls entirely. Of course I won’t replace it, she gave it to me! Besides, I don’t want to talk on the phone in the first place…
Quite annoying when I have to say something though. I’m waiting till the last moment, seeing what I can do without so I won’t say at all… Actually, I’d do without pretty much anything if I’d need to talk to dad about getting it. Good thing he did start to remember the more important things…
What angers me are the moments when I’m just here with dad. Business trips cause that, since sometimes he either drives the creature to her parents the night before leaving or gets her back the day after getting back. I can’t just stay in my room knowing that the main reason I’m not going out of it the rest of the time, namely the creature, is not here, but really don’t want to bump into him either. So I end up spending a lot of time actually around him, and babbling insanely so I won’t actually realize who’s around until I get back in my room, at which point I get really angry at myself for doing it…

I did start going out for a walk once per week since the moment I wrote about before… How much it is because I want to change something and how much simply because it’s becoming even less tolerable to stay here than to be out, I couldn’t say. I really dread going past the creature in order to get out, though…

Oh, doing the dishes is sort of my job. I was at least rinsing what I was about to use for dinner anyway, knowing what they idea of “washed” is, and found myself washing whatever else they left in the sink as well, so it got to be a routine. I don’t mind, was actually missing it, if you can believe that, since it ended up being sort of my job when I was living in Iasi too… What I do mind is when I find a note on the kitchen table asking me to wash the dishes, usually when there is a large pile of them left. Odd, I thought I usually did…
As for their idea of “washed” that I mentioned… Well, I guess it’s dad’s idea mainly. Let’s just say I usually find cutlery with stuff stuck on it, or greasy plates… Or even plates with breadcrumbs or coffee on the bottom, showing that nobody even bothered with washing them. Did ask dad what was with those when I found some like that once and he said “Oh, sorry, I only used them to cover the teapot and then to set the lemon and spoon on while I was fixing it. Thought they were clean so I just put them back.” You used them, they’re not clean, heck, they have breadcrumbs on the bottom and one is greasy! Oh, plus the moment, early on, when I was eating with him, when he cut something with a knife, licked it, then set it in front of me. I nearly threw up…
Not to mention all the burping I keep hearing, and that he doesn’t close the door completely when he’s in the bathroom, regardless of what he’s doing in there. Says it’s so Miki will be able to get to her water if she’s thirsty (and also to her litter box initially, when it was there). No, not grossed out, I certainly wouldn’t mind that from a person I feel close to, but from them… It just angers me!

Another thing is that I keep getting asked to be quiet when I go to eat at night, because they need to sleep. For one, the creature is not sleeping then, so there’s no “they”. Secondly, I’m sure less noise would spread if I could just close the kitchen! But no, they won’t do that. Thirdly, it’s as weird for me to sleep at 2 AM as it is for him to sleep at 10 AM. Why can he make noise when he wakes up, or talk (shout) to the creature while being at opposite ends of the house, when I want to sleep and I can’t when he does? At least I’m trying to be quiet, not turning the TV on loud and shouting! What noise I do make I can’t prevent…
Oh, and speaking of closing, I still don’t have a key to my room. Always been an issue between me and them, and even pointed a knife at them over it shortly before moving in with Andra (there, I’ve said her name again, now watch me freeze). They never let me be able to lock my door, and they won’t now either…

And I keep being told how much they care about me. No shit? Why did you take me out of there then? There are only two things you can do for me: Get her back to me or kill me. And, since the first one is impossible, I’d prefer a more direct approach to the second, since I obviously couldn’t do it myself. Not that what they’re doing now won’t eventually lead there too, but it’s the long, hard way… Also keep getting told about how stressful it is to “hide around the house from each other”. No shit, you think so? I’m the one who’s not getting out of his room because of them, not the other way around!
Probably a lot more to say, a lot more arguments to talk about, a lot more anger, a lot more stress… But I’ll leave it as it is for now, long enough…
As I said before, if it seems crazy, I wish I’d be far crazier… And, quite frankly, I don’t care what anybody thinks, I wrote this for myself and put it out here simply because I have nothing to hide.

Yesterday was Workers’ Day, which is a legal holiday here in Romania. With our rotten government trying to do everything they can in order to convince more people to support them and vote in favor of impeaching the (now suspended) president on the 19th, they decreed Monday a free day as well, resulting in a four-day week-end. Of course, that only applies to state-owned institutions and companies, private ones not being required to comply.

Anyway, the “traditional” way to celebrate it over here has nothing to do with the actual meaning of the day, but involves having a barbeque in a forest instead. In turn, that has nothing to do with any common sense, but usually goes something like this:
Episode 1 – Getting There: Pile up everything you could possibly need in the trunk. It won’t fit, so gather the family together and get them in the car. If children don’t want to go, pick them up and shove them in. Then stuff all other items in any available space, like under a seat, between somebody’s legs or in somebody else’s lap. Start driving towards a forest at the edge of the city. If you have any friends that are going to the same place, meet with them at some point and go the rest of the way together. Once there, find an unoccupied spot and claim it as your territory by stopping your car on it before another predator can get a chance to. Also consider the future, tire tracks and a possible oil leak work better than urinating on trees in order to let others know that you’ve been there.
Episode 2 – Setting Up Camp: Take out the folding table and chairs, grill, bag of coal, tablecloth, blanket, dishes, cutlery, raw meat, other food, drinks, sports implements, toys and anything else you might have brought with you. Put some (bad) music in the stereo and turn it on. Start spreading out the items on the ground, strengthening your claim over your chosen territory. Set up the table, chairs and grill. Start the fire.
Episode 3 – Contests: After making sure the designated driver gets an early drink, “so it will be out of the system by the time we leave”, the day’s contests may begin. The contestants are all those who are within visual, olfactive or, as the case may be, auditory range of each other. Trials include crowd favorites such as “having the worst music on the loudest”, “choking the most other competitors with your smoke”, “spreading the smell of your cooking over the widest area”, “performing the best imitation of an oligophrenic ape” and, of course, “leaving behind the largest pile of trash”.
Episode 4 – The Long Way Back: Gather the items you’ll still need and shove them back in the car, leaving behind everything else. Gather the family and get them in the car after the items. Start driving back home. Once there, get items and family back inside the house. Slump on the couch, turn on the TV, pat your belly, burp and exclaim “it’s good to be out in nature” on a satisfied voice.

A national newspaper wrote recently that such behavior is most likely caused by rebellion. Since people felt oppressed by the state, they wanted to take it out on something else, freedom being seen as having power over another. And that something was Nature… Also that people don’t feel responsible for anything they don’t own, and since they don’t own the forest, what happens to it is not their problem.
That sounds like a sound psychological explanation, but I have a better idea to explain all of it very simply.. How about plain, old stupidity? After all, man is the only creature that has ever accused mankind of being intelligent…

Either way, the next time you want to find a forest, look under the piles of garbage… And, while you’re at it, mind picking a few of them up as well? Who knows, maybe there’s something about the story of “The 100th Monkey” after all…

My computer is now over five years old… During this time, it got a TV tuner, a LAN card (from her old computer), a new HDD, a new monitor, a DVD drive (both of these this February, I plan to pass them over to dad when I’ll get the parts for the new one), a new mouse and an UPS (both of these she kept, so I had them replaced after being thrown back here). As you can see, nothing to technically increase performance. But there was something to lower it, a RAM module failed in June last year and I didn’t have it replaced, so I’m down to 256 Mb since then.
Either way, I’m happy that it still works, since the plans for a new one have been delayed from November last year till February (my choice), and from February till sometime around the end of the year (because of dad not keeping his word, as usual)…
It’s a good thing that I got it before meeting her, otherwise I’d have serious issues about replacing it. Still do actually, a little. As silly as it may sound, that’s because she put a sticker on the inside once… I actually think that weighed noticeably in favor of the delays…

This is weird. Since I started this blog on here, I posted precisely 3 planned entries, and too many to be filed under “Personal“… And now I’m posting that whole story too, which I really never planned to post here. Believe me or not, I don’t care… I just can’t do anything else…

But, since I’m at computers, let me go through the list of all I had… Interesting, how I grew up along with them…
Technically, you can say the first one was a Spectrum-compatible one, home-built by somebody. He named it Cobra, it had 48 kb of memory, ran BASIC and usually overheated after two hours of use…
First PC was a 16 MHz 386 SX, with 2 Mb RAM, 120 Mb HDD, 512 kb video card and a monitor that could only support 640×480 and 256 colors.
Some two years later came a 66 MHz 486 DX2, with 4 Mb RAM (later upgraded to 8 Mb), 540 Mb HDD, 8X CD-ROM (that might have been a later addition, not sure), but same video card and monitor. The CPU and mainboard from it fried ten days after getting the next one, did its job…
Then, some five or six years later, was the first time when I got to pick the computer. I picked a ready-made one, though, wasn’t about to build one myself just yet. 266 MHz Pentium II, with 32 Mb RAM (later upgraded to 64 Mb) (66 MHz SDR), 3.2 Gb HDD (later a 20 Gb one was added to it), 4 Mb video card and a monitor that could show all it could do (up to 1280×1024 and 24-bit color). The CD-ROM from the 486 was moved to it as well. Monitor was changed with a similar one a little before the computer since the old one fried. My parents still used that computer till I left to move with her, then gave it away to some friends when they got their new one. Was having issues for a while already, but apparently it’s still somewhat functional.
Some three and a half years after that, this one, the first one that I built out of parts. 2.0 GHz Pentium 4, with 512 Mb RAM (256 Mb left now) (266 MHz DDR) and a 64 Mb video card. It got the 20 Gb HDD, CD-ROM and monitor from the old one. After a little while, it got a 52X/24X/52X CD-RW, then the TV/FM tuner, then the 160 Gb HDD, then the 19″ LCD and the DVD drive (16X/16X/10X/6X/8X/6X/16X/48X/24X/48X, if you’re interested).
I didn’t include modems, LAN cards and any peripherals besides monitors in the list. But, speaking of modems, I first got on-line in 1998.
Major leaps here, as you can see. Noting starting configurations, not upgrades (or, as the case is with this one, downgrades), you have x4, x4, x7.5 for CPU speed, x2, x8, x16 for RAM size, x4.5, x6, x6.25 for HDD size, and same video card for first two, but then x8, x8 as far as video memory size goes…

My plan for replacing it, if that would have happened in February, was a Core 2 Duo E6700 (2×2.66 MHz), 2 Gb RAM (800 MHz DDR2), 320 Gb SATA2 HDD and a GeForce 8800 GTS (640 Mb) as video card. Also had a far better LCD than this one in mind, plus Windows Vista Home Premium. Naturally, since that got delayed, when I’ll look again, I’ll be looking for something that will be around the same price range at that moment, if not even higher, to cover for all the stress of having to stay on this one for so much longer.

To continue right from where I left off, I was dragged away from the only place that I ever actually liked to call “home” and ended up back here… Yet the place, or at least a part of it, quickly became treasured instead of hated. I’m talking about my room, because of all the nice memories it holds from the times when she visited me here. (Actually, now that I think about it, I can only find six solid good memories about her being here that are taking place in another room. No, only two of them are about sex.) Since I no longer have access to the place that holds the vast majority of them, this room became invaluable for me.
Three days after getting here I gave dad to take away from this room pretty much everything that wasn’t connected to her. Yes, this means it’s quite empty, and it would be even emptier if he’d have kept his word about taking away the old desk that’s behind me right now. This desolate look makes me feel like the room is in tune with me, that it’s not pulling me towards a place I don’t want to go to. Some might say it’s depressing, I say it’d be far worse if it weren’t.

Then dad came up with yet another of his “bright” ideas. He wanted to replace the windows, supposedly for better thermal insulation. I tried to appeal to reason first, though that was bound to fail. For one, with walls made of solid concrete, most heat escapes through them and not through the windows, as long as they still close properly. Secondly, being quite airtight, this kind of windows “sweat” whenever it’s chilly outside, and water simply drips off them when it’s actually cold, if the room is not aired out sufficiently. He knows damn well that this room is not going to be aired out as long as I’m in it, as I won’t open the door while either of them is at home (which is almost all the time) and won’t open the window when it’s not warm enough outside. The natural result of all that moisture is mold, but I’ll get to that later. Anyway, since the reasonable approach didn’t work, I switched to the violent one. It’s my damn room and you have no right to change things in it! He countered that by saying that it’s his house and he won’t have it look ugly from the outside because one bedroom has the new kind of windows and another the old kind. That got me to the third approach, the desperate one. You mean you’ll change this room, on which I’m relying to stay just as it is to keep whatever physical connection I still have to my memories of being with her, take all that away, just because otherwise your apartment would not look nice on the outside!?! He did…
Since he wouldn’t also get a heating system for the place, insisting to stay on the rotten city grid for that purpose, and since most heat does, indeed, seep out through the walls, I froze my balls off in here from September till April anyway. And the moisture did result in the expected mold. Actually started appearing just a week after the new windows were in place, though I hadn’t opened the window at all for five and a half months before that and didn’t have this problem. Pointed it out to him, he took a look, agreed that it looks like mold, then said nothing more about it. Pointed it out to him again, after it started spreading rapidly, and he just told me to take a rag and wipe it off, then open the window more. Right, with you here I can’t leave the room while the window’s open, it’s cold outside and I don’t tolerate cold well at all, so no thank you. Did try to keep it at least slightly ajar for 30 minutes per day, but it was all I could do, and naturally it didn’t help. All of autumn and most of winter went by like that, with him not seeming to care and me more and more worried that it was going to get into the books I have from her…
Then he suddenly took interest in it when he walked in here one day and saw for himself how it had spread all over one wall and was going up the ceiling. After that, when I was out once for a doctor’s appointment, the creature (known as “mom” when I was little, I’m just using that term now to let you know who I mean when I say “the creature” from now on), after hearing about it, had the “bright” idea of coming in here and vacuuming it off the wall! His idea to wipe it off might have been idiotic, but hers sure beat it! Probably thought it hadn’t quite spread to every corner of the room till then and wanted to make sure… That finally prompted him into action, saying that he’ll do something about it this summer (probably means putting anti-mold paint on), and buying an anti-mold spray for the time being. Even helped me spray the whole affected area with it. That didn’t go quite well, as it was a rush job and it bleached a portion of the carpet and also touched some naked metal, where the hot water pipes go in the heater, turning it green. Not to mention that, being applied over paint, it made it swell and crack. Still, it did kill the vast majority of the mold and it doesn’t seem to be coming back, though this happened in February. Of course, it has to also be in the carpet and probably also in furniture, but…
And yes, you read that “five and a half months” part right. I didn’t open the window once from the time I ended up back here till they changed them, going through summer like that. Why? Because he had, for some unknown reason, removed the screen placed in front of it so insects won’t get in while I was away. I wouldn’t open the window without the screen, and he wouldn’t put it back until he’d put the new ones in. Perhaps he thought he’d break my resistance on the matter by this, not realizing that you can’t blackmail one who has already lost everything that matters.

That’s about it with the room, now let me move on to the next topic. Another one of dad’s ideas, that is. For a certain amount of time, he kept talking about moving to a house. Not even just us, but initially together with my cousin (from the creature’s side) and his wife. Then changed that idea to buying the house right accross the road from them, which apparently will soon be for sale. Specified that it won’t happen until at least the end of 2007, and most likely in 2008, but I thought I’d get a head start on the argument over it, so went on full offensive right away.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always wanted to live in a house with a yard. A little more buffer space between me and everybody else, plus that I actually like gardening. Or at least I remember liking it, from back when I was little and could still do it. Don’t laugh! When I say I hate going out, I say I hate going out into the city, being around people. Having my own space, surrounded by a privacy fence, of course, would change all that. But it wouldn’t be my own space, it would still be shared with them. But you know that’s not the main reason. The main reason to oppose moving anywhere is, as I said before, that this room still holds some physical connection with memories of being with her. Aside from a miracle happening and leaving here to go live with her somewhere again, I’ll only willingly leave this place in order to move in with a person I feel very close to (and there aren’t many of those), and even that would only apply if I’d think she would find out about it.
Back to the argument over the matter, he was mainly reverting to various forms of “What difference would it make to you? You don’t go out, you don’t have people over, you just need one room, right? You’ll get your room, it will have four walls, a ceiling, a floor, a window and a door, as any room, so why would it be any different?” and I was mainly replying with various forms of “It won’t be this room, that’s why it would be different!”. Yes, that was just about as productive as it sounds. But apparently I convinced him that I’ll be more trouble than it’s worth, so he eventually said he has another idea, building a smaller house just for the two of them and using the rest of the money left over from selling this apartment, plus what they already have, to buy me a small 2-room place somewhere. I still don’t understand how could he think that would change my stance…
He eventually stopped talking about that. I don’t dare hope it’s because he changed his mind, think it’s because he thinks he’ll just drag me out of here when the time comes. I may have a surprise waiting for him, if that’s the case… Guess I’ll see how things develop further and think where to go from there, because if I’m forced out of this place I’ll really have only tiny bits and pieces left. Not to mention that I know very well I can’t live alone, not even with him saying he’ll come by once per week or so to buy what I need…

That talk about moving did get me thinking, though… What to do if he will kick me out of here anyway? First thing is to write every little thing I can remember about me and her here, certainly, since those are the oldest memories I have about her and, with the physical link lost, they’d be the easiest to start losing details from. But what next?
I didn’t come up with any solution. Just daydreams along the lines of managing to move in with somebody I feel close to (as I said, daydreaming) and sticking to the roles. I’d handle the house (even cleaning, as much as I hate that) and she’d do whatever requires interacting with other people. The way it should have been when I was living with her, and probably would have been if we’d have gotten to the point of having our own place, just with each having their own room and without the relationship. And, who knows, if I’d know I have somebody to rush back to, somebody I can rely on, at some point way down the line I might even try again to do something requiring contact with others, like buying something… Could also have a cat that I could start to love because it wouldn’t think it’s entitled to my love, as my parents’ cat does… As I said, daydreams…
I know I can handle a house as long as I don’t have to interact with people for it. I even miss doing the chores that ended up being my job while living with her. But, if you factor in the fact that you can’t live without interacting with others, there’s absolutely no way I can live alone. Bottom line, I sure hope that either dad will change his mind on his own or I’ll find some way to change it for him. Realistically speaking, if I say I’m fucked now, moving out of here would be the equivalent of a gang rape by guys with 10″ dicks… Either way, it’d mean losing this room, which is actually the worst thing. Moving with them means basically sealing my fate, who knows how many other years of imprisonment, and possibly with even more people coming by to visit, so even worse. Moving somewhere alone might mean freedom from them, but I know I couldn’t manage, what if something would break and all I could do is stare at it since I couldn’t call a repairman, what if somebody would come to check a meter (as they’re too dumb to find ways to install them outside!) and I’d be too terrified that an unknown person is around me to know what to say, or even to be able to say anything or move at all, what if…

There’s one last thing I want to write about in this part. Their cat, Miki. (I was told that’s how it’s spelled when I first asked. Later, dad spelled it as Micky.) Dad found it in the engine of his car one day, while I was living in Iasi, and brought it here.
She’s a cat, I can’t hate her, but don’t tolerate her well either. She’s a spoiled brat (and then some), and they keep encouraging her to be like that while doing little about issues like her health. It’s appalling how little they know about caring for a cat, and any attempts to teach them a few things fell on deaf ears.
They give her only whatever kind of food she likes best, and try to stuff her with it because “she’s too small” (as if a child who eats a lot gets taller instead of fatter… we all see where that mentality is taking the world), not caring for what might be good and what might not be. And, while she has a water bowl in the kitchen (which she ignores), they put her food in a small plate and what once obviously was an ashtray, using a fork in case of canned food. No problem so far, as they do put them to dry away from the rest of the dishes when they wash them, but sometimes the larger pots end up being set to dry right next to them, and vegetables just piled up on top when they plan to use them for something later. They might be washed, but, considering what I think about their definition of “washed”, I’m more than a little uneasy about this. She also has a cup with water in the bathroom, and she seems to think that’s her only water bowl. I don’t know about you, but to me it seems a pretty bad idea to drink from something sitting in the room where others relieve themselves, right next to the bathtub, so potentially dirty water can easily splash in.
Besides that, the vet’s word is law, even when something’s wrong and the prescribed cure is obviously not working. (I wonder what would have happened to Bubu if we’d have listened to the vets… Though I have to bow to her when I think of the last serious crisis, I was absolutely convinced he was going to die that time.)
And don’t even get me started on the litter box. They buy the worst kind (health-wise) of kitty litter possible and, if you can believe this, use a spoon to scoop it up! (Of course that spoon stays there and is used only for this, but it still feels weird to clean up the litter box with a spoon! Not to mention that it’s quite hard to do it like that…) And the litter box actually was in front of the bathroom, in the hallway, for quite some time, till I put it back in the bathroom (twice, since the creature got it back out after I put it in there the first time). Now it’s in the smaller bathroom, which the creature uses almost exclusively, right in front of the toilet. Don’t know about you, but I’d think putting it a little more towards the side would have been a better idea. Having my nose right it the litter box whenever I sit on the toilet doesn’t seem too appealing to me, but it’s not my problem…
Back to Miki herself, she acts like she’s entitled to being loved by everyone, and that really angers me. You’re not Bubu, stay out of my way! Why can’t she be a normal cat that hates strangers (after all, I came back here after her, so I’d be a stranger)? I do find myself softening up and paying her a little attention when I just happen to bump into her, but all I feel when she approaches me is anger. Of course, she doesn’t pick up on that either, and if I throw away the toys she tries to give me (or, as the case often is, set on the table right in front of me, or even in my plate if I don’t pay attention (it was empty when that happened, thankfully)), she thinks I want her to fetch them and bring them back. Absolutely maddening! And the sad thing is that I very likely would have warmed up to her if she wouldn’t have taken it for granted from day one…
Actually, what’s even more maddening is how dad keeps telling me to make sure I take care of Miki whenever they leave for a few hours. Look, I took care of three cats basically alone (excepting what required interacting with others, of course), one of them sick, for five and a half months, between her leaving and me being kicked out of there when she came back. I can damn well take care of one spoiled (but otherwise quite healthy, save for a problem with an eye) one!
(If it wasn’t clear so far, Bubu’s the cat I loved the most (and also the sick one) from the three we had while I was living with her (and for the time I could still live there while she was away).)

That’s the overview of the house I guess… Part three should cover the actual living situation and things that have happened here concerning them. But now I have another entry in mind, I’ll write that next.
For those who know what I’m talking about, no, I don’t feel it’s weird to write something like this on Beltane. Nothing to celebrate…