Cav's Place

Just saw the bad news yesterday and read a little more about it now and… I don’t even know what to say. Hardly unexpected, of course, but I’m in no state to make much sense and I’m not sure what else would there be to say about this.

Now that the “upgrade” to Windows 10 is no longer free, Microsoft is removing one of the main reasons users who still wanted to control their computers had to avoid it, by changing patching of Windows 7 and 8.1 completely as well, following their earlier change to optional patches, which I also wrote about at the time, with making a single update available that includes everything. Some comments indicate the security patches will be available in a separate monthly package, so you will no longer be able to choose among them but may still be able to install only those and not the rest, and only those released in a certain month and not necessarily previous ones as well, but the post itself makes it look more like everything, be it an important security fix or the smallest entirely optional patch irrelevant to all but a few users and probably causing problems for many others or some undesirable feature addition or removal, will need to be installed together, and that previous updates will be installed along with the newer ones even if they’re completely unrelated.
So, as of October, at least until proven otherwise, it seems it’ll be either Microsoft’s way or the highway on any version of Windows still supported, and if you want the security fixes or some bug fixes you need, you’ll need to take everything else along with them as well, including patches that may break your system, patches that will introduce unwanted features such as telemetry, possibly advertisements, probably forced automatic updates sooner rather than later, or patches that will remove features, which is something that those fooled into using Windows 10 are already familiar with.

Since I stumbled into this information on the AskWoody site, I’ll link here to Woody’s articles on the matter on InfoWorld, since there was one on Tuesday and another one yesterday. Though those articles also hesitantly mention some potential benefits which, even if somehow true, are so completely outweighed by the negatives that there’s no room for them in the discussion, there’s a lot said there that I’d probably just repeat if I could make more sense than I think I’m capable of at the moment, so do read. And I’m sure there are plenty of other articles all over, some outraged to an extent more suitable for such rotten moves.

I’ll just end this with a part of the comment I posted on the TechNet post announcing this change, which of course will never get approved, since any others along those lines weren’t either:
I want to be able to monitor and control what happens on my computer in as much detail as possible. So far it was possible to pick and choose which updates to install and there were no problems with the process itself until the push for Windows 10 started, since incidentally the slow updating for Windows 7 started around that same time, so it is definitely technically possible to continue doing so. I paid good money for a retail copy of Windows 7 Ultimate and I expect to be able to use it properly, which includes receiving security patches and bug fixes but being able to pick and choose when or even if to install each one of them, until the official end of service in 2020. And I highly doubt I’m the only one.

Today marks three months since running my first official half marathon and since I cut my toenails last week I meant to use the moment to mention that I can now say I’ll get to keep the toenail with a nasty bruise under it. But, of course, I never got around to write part three of those posts about the race, about what happened after I left the finish area, so think I never actually mentioned noticing that toenail going black and worrying it may fall off, as it supposedly happens, or the others that I later saw were cracked. And since I won’t do that now either, I’ll leave it at this, knowing that now it finally grew back enough so enough of it is starting to clear, though for the first two months it really didn’t seem to be getting any better at all.

But gone are the days when losing a toenail counted as a notable health concern, considering the recent developments. And those developments are the reason why I can barely hold it together enough to throw something here and still make some sense, so I’ll just quickly say that at least at the moment I’m not shitting black anymore, though it’s still a bit on the loose side and too much and more than once per day, seeming like my body just wants to get rid of anything I put in as fast as possible. But the color is quite normal, and I’ve been paying attention now, as normally even the way it was two days after the initial “explosive” moment probably wouldn’t have exactly attracted my attention, even though actually having a good look made it clear there was still a lot of digested blood in there.
But it’s definitely not getting better, because I’m feeling weak and increasingly dizzy and the discomfort in the upper left side of my abdomen, which I’ve been experiencing for long enough that it was probably more noticeable when it happened to briefly go away, takes on new and frightening meanings. Also occasional numbness in hands and feet, a lot of smelly gas and the continued and worsening general feeling of being a breath away from something really breaking for good.
Still can’t say how much of that is panic, but it’s not all of it. But it’s enough to make me really lose it. Even more so when dad mentioned he made me an appointment for an endoscopy, but only in early September as that was the first available date, and that it’ll require putting me to sleep for it. And no way, that will not happen, period. Completely lost it then and I feel I’m about to black out just writing this about it now. That will not happen. Period. This must be checked out in other ways, and very fast, though I have no clue how because I can’t handle any of it and will go completely crazy at the mere mention and do not… Can’t talk or think about it or anything, didn’t even say anything to others since. But that will not happen. And I won’t make it that far unless something else is done first anyway, probably.

And on that note, the plan for today was to try running again, then to see about some shopping, since some money made their way to me from dad several days ago but I was in no state to make use of them before now. For that reason, the above was written Sunday evening and scheduled to be posted at 11:59 PM today, with a note stating that, while it’s also possible that some new problems with my Internet access prevented me from making changes, if it did show up at that time and with the note still there, it’s probable that I didn’t make it and was either dead or in hospital. Did take my ID card and a piece of paper with dad’s phone number, specifying it’s to be used in case of emergencies, with me, so people wouldn’t have had problems identifying the guy collapsed in the park or later on the street or in a store and parents would have been notified as well, hoping that anyone else who may care would have also been notified by them if they’d have looked around a bit, or that said others would have eventually had a look here to see for themselves.

But here I still am, after a run that did feel somewhat uncomfortable at times but which wasn’t as bad as I feared. The time was 35:34, with sector times of 4:47, 5:18, 6:11, 4:43, 5:21, 6:13 and 3:01, making for very steady lap times of 16:16 and 16:17. What toll it’ll take isn’t quite clear yet though, and I did get dizzy for a moment while showering earlier, but at least what came out the rear end after it looked quite normal. But, of course, that was most probably what was already there at the time, so any such damage caused by the run is likely to be noticed in that manner tonight or tomorrow.

Otherwise, still in panic and don’t want anything to do with anyone except someone I’d trust and want around and who’d just hold me and cuddle and maybe, if I could handle even that, talk about something interesting that has nothing to do with this, and perhaps little to nothing to do with me at all. So I’ll just end this post here now, skipping the time wasted checking prices for no good reason in the end and somehow ending up trying to help someone and just getting embarrassed and messing up. In case something goes very wrong in the coming days, however, there is another scheduled post ready as well, for Sunday.

I’ll go about this in reverse order and start with the fact that apparently another cable was cut today, leaving me with no Internet access. However, what I gathered when dad eventually called was that it wasn’t this network’s cable that was cut, but a fiber line belonging to those they connect through, and it was fixed quickly. I mean, according to my logs, it failed at some point between 12:34 PM and 12:50 PM, I only tried to get on-line and noticed the issue around 4 PM, at which point dad called, and the network’s administrator said he was on the next building at the time, having seen that it was that main cable that’s not theirs that was cut and nothing wrong with their own, and was about to call that other company to fix it. And around 6 PM it was working again, which was a surprisingly fast fix for something like this, when I hardly dared hope it’ll be done today.
Of course, the bigger issue is that, if it was cut once, it can be cut again, possibly even tomorrow. Especially since he said the next building, which has work done on it at this time, so it may well be the workers that got to the spot where the cable was and got rid of it. So if it was fixed around 6 PM it may mean that was done just when they finished their shift for today and they may well scratch their heads a little at it being in the way again next morning and just get rid of it a second time. But it works now, and that’s one of the reasons I’m rushing to post this today as well.

Getting to last night, I felt a sudden need to go to the toilet once again shortly before 1 AM, and the result was, shall we say, explosive, and also black despite not having eaten anything dark that day or even the previous one. Also, that was the third time that day, so couldn’t have been anything older anyway, and the first two seemed quite fine. The second felt a bit strange, true, but I did run yesterday and then ate watermellon as well, so something of the sort in terms of number and even consistency was rather expected, but black usually means blood higher in the digestive tract, and that’s definitely a serious concern.
As a result, no salad last night and avoided the food made apparently for me, which would have worsened any such issue, instead only having toast with some cheese and garlic, and made myself some tea for digestive issues as well. And that seemed to help in terms of not needing to go again so far, but it sure felt and continues to feel quite strange, something quite clearly still wrong there and me being weak, sweating unusually, having a bit of a headache… And I doubt whatever caused it to be black last night cleared out completely, so I’ll probably be looking at something similar the next time as well, the more important question being what the source was and what to do about it… And how, when I’m so stressed and frightened even without this added issue.

The particular trigger for all of this now, on top of the more general issues I already wrote about, has to do with a mess with the dentists that appeared after I thought the filling put in six months ago fell off three weeks ago. What made it even more embarrassing was that it apparently didn’t actually fall off, so when I finally did get to go, Monday, I just ended up wasting their time, being told that she probably put a protective layer on my tooth, thinking it may be a bit sensitive after the work done on it, and that fell off, since it’s not meant to be permanent, but the filling is still there. I’m still not quite convinced, but it was very small and I couldn’t be quite sure myself either, so I guess I’ll go with it.
But to get back to how it all started, I knew this new clinic I had switched to also maintained and advertised their site and the option to schedule appointments on-line, but with the old one not caring about this I wanted to play it safe and asked dad to call, and he said nothing at first. When I reminded him, asking whether he’ll do it after all or I should try on-line and see what happens, wanting to be sure I’ll be there less than six months after it was put in, to be sure it’ll still be under warranty in case it’s shorter here, he said he’ll call Friday and schedule me for the following week, when he may have some money again. Which made no sense, since the whole point was to not need to pay for it, and I had said so from the beginning.
Either way, that Friday came and went, nothing happened, and eventually after I reminded him again he said he’ll just head over there and make the appointment directly, since he’ll pass by the area anyway that Monday. Which was admittedly a little strange, since this new clinic that he actually insisted I go to when I wanted to switch is right here, you just cross in front of the store that’s in front of the building and there it is once you’re past it. But I didn’t think there could be any confusion after I had mentioned that the old place didn’t care about on-line and I’m not sure how the new one is or that the old place had a one-year warranty but I’m not sure about the new one, and even less so after I actually caught him when he came in that Monday and told him I assume he passes by there every day since it’s right across the street after he said he did go in when he passed by.
Well, I was wrong, and I noticed that when I did go last Monday, when he said I had been scheduled, at 5:30 PM, and was instead told by the receptionist that I wasn’t and couldn’t be received by my dentist anyway because she doesn’t work Monday evenings and everybody at the clinic knows that, so couldn’t have been scheduled then at all. So, after some more confusion on both sides, I scheduled myself for Wednesday and left, starting to get a bad feeling about it but still not believing dad could have confused the two.
But it was all cleared that evening, when I had to believe that after all, because it was true. Apparenty dad had been called and asked why didn’t I show up, he tried calling me but of course that didn’t help since I didn’t even notice, for some reason he didn’t call my mother to tell her to ask me, and he rescheduled me for another time. And then, after wondering how could I not be there when I was and how could he reschedule me when I had already rescheduled myself, he finally realized he had made the appointment with my old dentist, and also stressed that the filling fell off and needed to be replaced under warranty and all even though she had my file and must have known it couldn’t have been put in by her in that case. So I’m definitely not going to show my face around there again, and in case there will be problems with these ones as well, or when I’ll need to remove another wisdom tooth, since at least the old place seemed to have done a good job with the first one and for a fair bit less than I see this new place would charge, I’ll need to look for options yet again.
Either way, I only ended up going this Monday because I received first a call, which I of course ignored, and then a text message announcing me that due to medical issues my dentist won’t be able to come in on Wednesday and to contact them to reschedule, so I did that on-line… And did it by writing a long e-mail also explaining that I don’t deal with calls and what had happened to create that initial confusion which obviously wasn’t in any way their fault, and then also explaining all the problems with the old place and how I hoped it won’t be the same with this new one and yet it seemed to be and, in short, just kept digging myself deeper and then was too scared to read any reply and pretty much withdrew completely after I did receive it and could reschedule.
And that of course became even worse when I did go and only wasted their time, while at the same time still not being convinced myself and feeling too embarrassed and too angry and too frightened and just going crazier than usual. And I’ve been in that state all this time and ever since and only getting worse, too scared to even read other messages, even struggling to make myself read Alma’s, in “stealth mode” around the house, also still having the money issues there and the complete clash in approach between me and my parents and the fact that I can’t talk or write or even try to read a message without losing it… Which I guess is a good enough reason for that black blood, even from something like stomach ulcer.

And yes, I did run this week, yesterday, when it was quite hot but just needed to keep my mind on putting one foot in front of the other or something. In the shade it was all right, but in the parts of the route where the sun was shining it was a problem, and it probably wasn’t a good idea to try, but I managed 35:20, with sector times of 4:36, 5:19, 6:06, 4:40, 5:15, 6:14 and 3:10, making for lap times of 16:01 and 16:09. Very slow final sector there though, showing that I was quite tired by then, and definitely far more tired than I should have been considering the time. Still didn’t exhaust myself to the point of dropping, as I keep meaning to in a desperate attempt to let some of this out, but it was probably too much even so and another part of the reason for those problems noticed last night and which are likely to continue… I just hope they will somehow fix themselves, though black blood doesn’t seem like something likely to do so.

Earth Overshoot Day falls on August 8 this year, five days sooner than last year and 11 days sooner than in 2014. Which actually rather contradicts the official press release, which states that the date has moved up by an average of less than one day per year for the past five years, and there doesn’t seem to have ever been a time when such a statement was true. Works only if you compare 2010 to 2014, but that’s actually a period of four years and is entirely thanks to the six-day improvement in 2011, so it’d have been a case of really struggling to find a silver lining that’s not actually there even then.
Then again, doing that seems to be the general rule for that press release, and probably for the group calculating and promoting this concept in general. Even the way it’s calculated is probably quite optimistic, leaving some important factors aside and likely not taking the other species we share this planet with and what’d need to be done to fix the damage already caused into account anywhere near as much as they should. But it’s not like they’re trying to sell perfumed shit as chocolate and this is just a rough estimate, after all, setting a date being a little stunt meant to give the issue at least a tiny bit of media and public attention, so this is just their way to say there’s still some hope, probably struggling to convince themselves of it as much as others. Still, the way WWF Romania’s Program Director ended the message he posted today seems far more fitting to me: “Unless something urgently changes, it’s not actions we’ll need, but miracles…”

Not that there was ever a time when we needed anything less than miracles, in fact. A few people noticed what was happening and what needed to be done even centuries ago, and possibly even longer, but they were silenced, discredited or simply ignored, and this scenario repeated itself even after it may have appeared that somewhat greater numbers were starting to wake up to the devastating impact human actions and numbers have on the environment in the ’60s and ’70s, those concerns being buried in the ’80s. And then any apparent reawakening at higher levels in the ’90s and ’00s was largely limited to somewhat nice but empty words. As for recent years, all right, a few things may just be starting to move in a direction that’s not quite the opposite of the right one, but it’s much too little, much too slow and much too late.

Again, the first problem is that there are about seven and a half billion of us and yet this issue is the elephant in the room that can’t be tackled in any efficient manner because everybody, including many of those who otherwise claim to care for the environment, lashes out at anyone who dares to even try to bring it and the measures that actually need to be taken in order to solve it in any even remotely reasonable amount of time up. And that’s despite the fact that we use and damage so much even though the large majority live in poor conditions and if we were to offer everyone a good standard of living, even if we would reduce the consumption of the few who actually overconsume to the same fair level, we’d need about three planets instead of the 1.6 or so we do now, and that’s without taking fixing the damage already caused into account.
And the second problem is that money are the resource that’s usually taken into consideration, despite being a completely artificial human invention, with absolutely no value outside human society and having precisely the value society chooses to grant it within… While the real resources and the real costs, expressed in time and attention, illness and death, stress and exhaustion, pollution and toxicity, habitat destruction and species extinction, biodiversity loss and overall environmental degradation, our long-term future and that of the other species we share this planet with, are usually shrugged off. I mean, you just have to hear or read that it’s cheaper to produce new things than to repair, reuse or recycle, or to build them to last from the start, or that the level of production and consumption must be maintained, or in fact constantly increased, in order for people to have jobs they supposedly “need to survive”, and it’s obvious how absurd it all is.

But, after all: “That does seem to be the rule, doesn’t it? Analyze the problem, choose whichever strategy makes least sense and then do it.”
Or, to quote a recent article by Paul Watson: “Do we really want the epitaph for our species to be, ‘Well we needed the jobs?'” According to everything we as a species and society do, apparently so…

Was saying I may turn a message I sent into a post, and I guess this is it. Will probably be quite a mess, as it ended up significantly longer but probably not much clearer, but nobody’s reading this anyway. And, in case of this particular post, I’d say that’s a good thing. Probably shouldn’t be here at all, after all, yet here it is regardless…

With the recent serious money issues and the taxes for dad’s firm and the fact that a good part of said taxes result from the fact that my parents insist on having me employed there on paper, after “hiring” me as such back in 2004, the matter itself was once again brought to the forefront of my mind. Whenever that happens, I once again say I want to be “fired” because I’m feeling absolutely rotten about it, an utter hypocrite, shouting everywhere to end the culture of jobs and paycheck slavery and the need to “earn a living” and specifying in my profiles on various sites that not having a job in the current sense of the term is one of the main requirements for the people I’d care to talk to, yet here I am, having one. Sure, it’s only on paper, not in practice, so both no actual work and no actual pay, but it makes me feel awful nevertheless, and has done so for all these years.
Plus, in terms of purely pragmatic aspects, we apparently can’t do what I’ve been asking for the past 15 or so years and set aside a certain specific amount per month to know the funds for new computer components and other such things are readily available whenever needed or desired, but this makes me responsible for significantly greater amounts paid to the state in taxes for the sole “benefit” of making me feel like a stinking pile of shit because of it! I mean, so far I didn’t even need the medical insurance that comes with it, though from now on the risk does increase, as I’m over 30 and not getting younger. Still, that can now be paid separately as well, at a rate equivalent to the tax for it paid by someone earning minimum wage, so it’d no longer be an issue of finding a sufficiently good private one instead, which’d cost much more than this.
Yet whenever I bring it up, I’m told no way, and that there’s also my retirement fund to consider on top of the medical insurance, to which I reply that it’s not like I’ll make it that far. And that’s as far as I got with actually telling them this, but sure was, and still am, close to snapping and spelling it all the fuck out. For one, there are the moments when my mother catches me in the kitchen and asks, as she usually does, what could she possibly cook next. And, as nearly every time pretty much since I was little, I say it doesn’t matter, just something edible and not particularly unpleasant. And then she continues by saying that can’t be, because it needs to be varied, enjoyable and other shit like that and I may say there’s no such thing. But closest to saying more was when, recently, she was in the kitchen when I came back from a run and she asked whether I feel the need to run or push myself. I asked if there’s anything I don’t push myself to do and said I wouldn’t even get out of bed except to pee if not pushing. To that, she said she thinks running any distance would be a hard thing to push herself to do, but there are things she does just because she likes to… And I said there was a time when some things could be enjoyable, but that ended over ten years ago… Could hear a pin drop after that.
So that’s as far as I got with that talk so far, but if I hear that part about retirement again… For fuck’s sake, do you see me getting there somehow? Or wanting to in any way? How? Or do you see me making it, managing in general, somehow? They’ll be gone someday, and dad no longer able to earn enough for all of us to get by even sooner, which is in fact obviously already starting to happen even if it’s not a matter of him being unable to do the work yet, and we don’t seem to be heading in a direction of no longer needing money anytime soon, and I’m as I am, so at that point I’ll be thoroughly fucked. And that point is likely to come in, what, ten years? Most probably less…
Even from this point of view, and not just the purely personal one of finding something to live for and to make me want to do anything for and to look for some rainbows in the foul acidic sewage raining down on all of us in this society humanity created and maintains, I had one chance in this life, with Andra. And I was launching myself into further explanations here, but deleted them, so I’ll just say that, after that went down the drain and seeing as I was too much of a coward to do what needed to be done back then when it had a point, it’ll soon be 11 years since I just keep waiting for it to end on its own, while at the same time of course all the time passing and the suffering accumulating is making me feel it’d be more and more disappointing if it does end without something to make all of it have been worth it happening first. So, in short, at least after a year and a half or so after she left, wanting to neither live nor die, and unable to do anything relevant towards either even if I did care to. Barring miracles, I’m not looking at any other future than that.
But at the same time, I’m always shitting myself in terror that things will get worse, because they always can get so much worse, and often do. So I just keep thinking and hoping they’ll at least stay the same, if I’m used to something and it’s at least somewhat acceptable. When it comes to major issues and bigger pictures, there are clearly desirable major changes I’d obviously want to see, though if they don’t happen just that way then I dread others, usually for good reasons. But that goes far more for matters of daily life, where truly desirable changes would be nothing short of miracles, as they’d imply one obvious particular one first and I’m terrified of even good ones going all wrong otherwise, so I just need things to at least stay the same and keep shitting myself that they won’t and will get worse and I just want to keep those things and situations and know they’re not worse because they’re the same at least. And they keep going on about needing to change and vary things or how I need new clothes or shoes and how can I keep them for so many years and keep using them when they end up looking like they do, and always to vary food or that it’s been several years since my room was painted and that needs to be done again and who knows what else. For fuck’s sake! Leave it the fuck alone! Leave me some shreds to cling on to, some I can at least know aren’t getting worse because they stay the same, and fuck off!
But things always get worse anyway, see even the current situation and the state I’m in now, which is another issue. Yet, to get back to the original issue, if the matter is brought up they go on about a future I’ll never have and retirement funds I’ll never use and the recorded experience on a supposed job that makes me feel like a stinking pile of hypocritical shit to have, even if just on paper, and which is responsible for all these expenses that in good part cause these other problems that make things worse even now. One thing which I really don’t want to stay the same, I guess, because it has always been intolerable. And, like I said, causes others to just keep getting worse.